Can You Hear Me Now?

     Folks, when God speaks, do you listen? For instance if God told you to get into church, what would you do to meet his demand? Well, if you are Stephanie Hamman, 23, of Church Hill, Tennessee, you not only hear God talking to you, but when he tells you to get into church – you park your car in the center pew!

This story starts after Stephanie “smokes a lot of weed.” In fact, she smokes so much weed, that God tells her that smoking “all day and night” is probably bad for her health, and she should probably think about cutting back to just a doobie or two before bed. But, I am getting ahead of myself, first after smoking more weed than Cheech and Chong have seen in their lifetimes, Stephanie began to hear the voice of God.

He told her that “the devil was in” her; furthermore, he wanted her to go to church. “So God told me He wanted me in there, so I drove my car through the front doors.” That’s because parking out front wastes time that could be spent praying. Plus, the church was technically closed, how else was she going to unlock the building? She knew that God provides, and the key he gave her was a Toyota Celica. That’s right folks, God doesn’t shop American, which is unAmerican of him! Sure, you get better gas mileage before you commit vandalism, but wouldn’t this story have been more ironic if she had driven a Ram?

     But God wasn’t the only one speaking to her in that moment! She was involved in conference call with the upstairs and downstairs managers at the same time! While God was telling her to get inside of that church, the devil told her to bring a knife with her…because her husband was a worshipper of NASCAR. I mean, if you need a religion, that one is pretty easy to follow – after all, it’s all left turns.

After stumbling out of her car, she prostrated herself (and her knife) in front of the altar and prayed. It was then that God told her that she she “only needed to smoke pot to relax at night.” Then, in a compromising move, God and Satan told her to call her husband. She knew what she had to do.

Her husband, Steve, arrived a few minutes later. Worried, he ran to the altar to check on his wife who was laying motionless on the floor. As soon as Steve touched Stephanie’s shoulder, all hell broke loose. Stephanie screamed, “the devil is in me,” as she stabbed him in the side. Reflecting back on the incident with police officers, she said, “I prayed I would not have to use it on him, but I did.”

I mean, I can completely empathize with Stephanie. I mean, who hasn’t had God and Satan demanding that you destroy other people’s property and stab your spouse? I mean, you can’t tell those guys no!

But why did Stephanie choose that church? “I was riding with them to a party at the racetrack when they brought me here,” she told police. “I was outside digging in the mud when the devil told me I need to go there. I knew God would help me live right.” Plus, she had been baptized there just last Sunday!

When interviewed, Pastor Joel Trigg said, “I have never seen her before in my life.”

    Wait…what? How could the pastor of the church she made into her garage not remember a baptism from less than a week ago? “I smoke a bunch of weed. I love to smoke it. Sometimes when I do, I start seeing things that others don’t. Isn’t God good? He told me that this would happen, and just look, I am okay.”

Oh, well that makes sense.

Folks, we have to legalize weed now. How else can we have such intimate discussions with heaven and hell? Sure we could seek out a priest and go to confession, but this sounds like a lot more fun. Now that I think about it, I’ll bet this was what the burning bush was made of! And if it is good enough for Moses and Stephanie, then isn’t it good enough for us? To hell with medical marijuana, I say bring on spiritual marijuana! Then we won’t need the Pope to talk to God for us! Just think, all those years of our youth that we thought we wasted getting high was actually the closest we have ever been to Heaven.

     Folks, I can forgive God for not buying American, but I’m not sure I can forgive him for keeping this direct phone line such a secret.