I Wasn’t Looking For This Kind of “Notre-iety”

     Folks, now I understand why I was rejected from Notre Dame’s graduate school – I don’t like Hot Pockets! I also don’t break into Massage parlors while high on synthetic marijuana.

I mean, I knew that there had to be a serious reason why Notre Dame wouldn’t want a student who was an accomplished researcher, had a nearly perfect GPA, and looks good in a kilt!

     Last Sunday, Brian McCurren, 19, smashed through a wall with a 100 lb flower-pot to get inside of a spa in South Bend, Indiana. The spa, Therapeutic Indulgence, is world-renowned for its Swedish massage techniques as well as keeping a refrigerator full of delicious treats like Drumsticks, Toaster Strudel, and Hot Pockets.

     It’s good to know that Notre Dame recruits the very best potential students for their institution – It makes getting passed over that much easier.

     I mean, think about it, it takes a highly intelligent person to perform complex problem solving behaviors when said person is “visibly intoxicated” and “high as a kite on fake marijuana.” I mean, how else could someone get inside of a public retail establishment other than smashing through the drywall with a makeshift hammer? I’ll bet he graduates at the top of his DUI class!

     Once McCurren managed to get inside of the massage parlor, he faced another problem – how to cook macaroni and cheese without burning the building down…which almost happened since police found him passed out with the mac & cheese on fire in the oven…

     I would argue that since the fire alarms were going off and that it had been discovered that he had sprayed a fire extinguisher in several rooms of the spa, that he was trying to put out the fire before he passed out – he just forgot where he started it! Of course, the police found him passed out with half a box of Hot Pockets eaten and two Drumstick cones melting on the kitchen table…so maybe he forgot that the combination of smoke and the noise from the fire alarm work together to warn people that a fire is present…

     Folks, this behavior is a problem…and one solution to preventing this behavior is clear – legalize real marijuana! I’ve never heard of a pothead doing this!  When’s the last time you did anything like this after smoking weed? I rest my case…After all, when a pothead wants junk food, they have pizza delivered.

     Think about it, every time the word synthetic and marijuana are used in the same sentence, bad things happen. Don’t believe me? Just look at this headline from Fox News: “Synthetic Marijuana Spreading Among Youth in Suburbia, Obama re-elected!”

     The second thing we can do is fire the people who handle matriculation at Notre Dame…I mean, seriously…you rejected me, but accepted this guy? What the *&^% is wrong with you? I mean, I can party too, okay? I can be down with vandalism and destruction of private property, if that’s what it takes! Just call me!

    To sum up everything, I’ll end with a statement that McCurren made when asked if he had been doing drugs: “I sure hope so!” Me too, Kidd, me too – because if you do this kind of shit sober, you are definitely not invited to my house for dinner…

I’ve Judged You, Just Don’t Judge Me

Justice is a swift sword that slices through wrong doers like a hot knife through butter. This is the message that the honorable Judge Lanny Moriarty of Montgomery County, Texas sent to a 17-year-old criminal. He wanted to make an example of this girl to teach people in similar circumstances that the law will hold them accountable. Circumstances that include not having a prior record and being an honor student taking both high school and college AP courses.

And what did Diane Tran do that earned her a night in jail plus a fine? She worked two jobs to support herself and her two siblings while maintaining a high Grade Point Average in both high school and college because her parents were off finding themselves.

Wait…what? How is this a crime? Oh, because of the amount of work she was doing and the late nights doing homework, Diane was missing class. And Judge Moriarty knows that is the worst kind of criminal scum…the kind of criminal scum that works a full-time job and a part-time job to keep her younger siblings from starving. Moriarty knows that all good children aged 5 to 17 work at least 75 hours a week for pennies a day!

Moriarty had this to say about fining a child that is the sole income for three people, “a night in jail and a fine won’t hurt her and may do some good.” Because possibly causing three minors to lose the only source of income they have is a good deed!

Moriarty knows that the law must not be skirted and must always be followed at all times – with no exception! Like the time he was accused of illegal campaign contributions in a court case before the Texas Ethics Commission. A case in which he neither admitted nor denied guilt. A case that could have included jail time, fines, and removal from office. A case that only resulted in a fine of $2,800. Because Moriarty knows that “a night in jail” might “hurt” him and losing his job won’t do any good!

That’s how non-hypocritical this guy is! He lives the sentences he passes down! If he orders a young girl to jail, you can bet it’s only because he is willing to be there himself…or maybe not so much. His ruling has made it clear that he believes that victims of neglect should be punished for their parents crimes!

But one could say that this judge had a change of heart. Merely days after handing down this sentence he rescinded the jail time and the fine – probably due to the fact that the website located here earned over 250,000 signatures asking for him to do just that in merely a few hours. And reversing the decision only happened after the media has gotten involved. Another website is raising money for the girl so that she can concentrate on her studies and that site is located here.

I would also like to start a petition to remove Judge Lanny Moriarty from his office. Texas voters, I know most of you aren’t inbred, racist assholes that would punish a young Vietnamese girl for doing something most adults couldn’t do, so go to the polls and get the alleged racist, inbred asshole off the bench…since apparently your courts won’t do it for you each time he breaks the law…

A copy of the court ruling that found Moriarty had indeed committed campaign fraud can be found here.