Getting Happy After My Meal

     Folks, I love buying Happy Meals just for the prize – especially when that prize is an ounce of heroin and a quarter of marijuana. I mean, how else can you choke down food from McDonald’s unless you are stoned out of your mind.

On January 29, 2014, undercover officers arrested 26-year-old Shantia Dennis of Pittsburg for selling heroin and weed through the drive-thru window. Apparently, she was just following instructions from the company website on ways to make ends meet. For those who haven’t heard, McDonald’s has offered advice for making living wages that included things like: getting a second job, selling all your Christmas presents, selling sperm or other bodily fluids, and/or taking up prostitution – they suggested mixing and matching these to ensure you can feed your family! So what she did wasn’t so bad, she just got a second job!

She even devised an intricate and foolproof way to sell the illegal items. A person would order a ‘toy’ from the drive-thru. Then this person would go to the first window to pay for it, and be given a Happy Meal box containing the special surprise. Since the customer would now have what they came for, they would bypass the second window and leave. How could this system ever go wrong?

Remember when they had those exclusive Transformers toys? You could buy a pound of crack cheaper than those things went for on eBay! I can totally see a customer purchasing what they believe is an exclusive toy, going so far as to end up paying an exorbitant fee…only to be upset that they only bought some smack and ganja – and to relieve their sadness, they would need to use all that smack and ganja!

     With more people switching to healthier alternatives, McDonald’s should appreciate the fact that employees like Shantia are doing everything in the power to increase sales. She is just following the first rule of business: give the customer what they want, and in this case her customers want to be f***ed up. I don’t see a problem!

In fact, this is a much better idea than sponsoring the Olympics because at least Shantia knows who McDonald’s customer base is. After all, McDonald’s regular customers don’t watch the Olympics, and I am pretty sure that none of them participate in them! I mean, let’s keep this real, the closest McDonald’s got to legitimately being in the Olympics was when John Candy played that bobsled coach in Cool Runnings.

America, we are supposed to reward the entrepreneurial spirit! After all, isn’t every capitalist some type of criminal? Sure, what she did wasn’t quite on the level, but neither was Toyota selling millions of cars that had faulty braking systems, which they knew could result in thousands of deaths just because it is cheaper to recall the ones that do have problems than prevent the problem to begin with.

     Besides, hasn’t the CIA done this since Vietnam? If so, isn’t she just doing her patriotic duty by helping finance a black ops organization? We should be giving her a medal, not a mugshot!

Well, Shantia, once all this hoopla is over, if Mickey D’s won’t let you keep your job, I have a new one in mind – Governor of Florida. After all, our current one was convicted of 14 felonies before he got the job….


Why Does My Hamburger Smell Like Glass Cleaner?

Folks, I have to say I am surprised. Surprised at all the ruckus people are raising about “pink slime.”
For those of you that haven’t heard, the term pink slime refers to a ground mixture of bovine waste trimmings that are disinfected with ammonium hydroxide to kill pathogens such as salmonella and E. coli. Basically..its ground beef. See, the USDA doesn’t require companies to label the fact that they add ammonia to their products! So that “100% fresh ground beef” that you’ve been buying from grocery stores and places like McDonald’s and Burger King was actually pink slime. That’s because the USDA recently stated that as much as 70% of all ground beef contains the stuff. But is it really that bad? Didn’t the father spray Windex all over the food in that movie about the fat greek girl getting married?

Okay so the USDA doesn’t call it pink slime. They call it lean finely textured beef or LFTB.

Major fast food retailers Taco Bell, McDonald’s, and Burger King have all stopped using it due to public outcry. I say the public is a bunch of whiners. How else do you think Taco Bell was able to sell you steak for 39 cents? Supposedly they have been using this stuff since the late 80’s, it’s not like we have seen any bad side effects from it! I mean, really, you would think cancer rates would have markedly increased or something over the last few years.

But grocery stores and restaurants aren’t they only ones using the stuff. Apparently, so are our public schools. Kids already eat dirt and whatever they pick out of their noses – I don’t think some toxic chemicals are any worse than that! Besides, I used to play with slime as a kid and all it would do is run the carpet, your clothes, and possibly your hair!

We have to think about what is best for the nation. Is it our health? Or is it the fact that the beef industry makes an extra 3 cents per pound when they add chemicals instead of beef to their products?

I think the choice is obvious! Corporations that sell us poison are an endangered species, so we must support them! That’s because they are killing off the very people that shop from them which means eventually there will be no one left to buy their products!

Besides the USDA says “All USDA ground beef purchases must meet the highest standards for food safety.” That’s because they use gloves when they handle so they don’t get any chemical burns!

“It’s economic fraud,” Gerald Zirstein, the microbiologist who coined the name “pink slime,” told ABC News. “It’s not fresh ground beef. It’s a cheap substitute being added in.”

I say grow up Zirstein…everything we take into us is a cheap substitute for the real thing! Take air for instance – you don’t actually think that’s oxygen your breathing do you? Noooo! It’s a combination of carcinogenic pollutants mixed with just enough oxygen to keep us from falling over gasping for life.

If we reject the idea of taking chemicals into our bodies, what will we accept? Are we going to reduce our environmental footprint? Start growing and harvesting the food we need to live? Raise animals and start respecting nature and the natural order? Shop from companies that promote organic ingredients?

Maybe we will just gripe about the costs of doing things the right way and continue life the way we have lived thus far…speaking of…I think I want a Big Mac…