I Wasn’t Looking For This Kind of “Notre-iety”

     Folks, now I understand why I was rejected from Notre Dame’s graduate school – I don’t like Hot Pockets! I also don’t break into Massage parlors while high on synthetic marijuana.

I mean, I knew that there had to be a serious reason why Notre Dame wouldn’t want a student who was an accomplished researcher, had a nearly perfect GPA, and looks good in a kilt!

     Last Sunday, Brian McCurren, 19, smashed through a wall with a 100 lb flower-pot to get inside of a spa in South Bend, Indiana. The spa, Therapeutic Indulgence, is world-renowned for its Swedish massage techniques as well as keeping a refrigerator full of delicious treats like Drumsticks, Toaster Strudel, and Hot Pockets.

     It’s good to know that Notre Dame recruits the very best potential students for their institution – It makes getting passed over that much easier.

     I mean, think about it, it takes a highly intelligent person to perform complex problem solving behaviors when said person is “visibly intoxicated” and “high as a kite on fake marijuana.” I mean, how else could someone get inside of a public retail establishment other than smashing through the drywall with a makeshift hammer? I’ll bet he graduates at the top of his DUI class!

     Once McCurren managed to get inside of the massage parlor, he faced another problem – how to cook macaroni and cheese without burning the building down…which almost happened since police found him passed out with the mac & cheese on fire in the oven…

     I would argue that since the fire alarms were going off and that it had been discovered that he had sprayed a fire extinguisher in several rooms of the spa, that he was trying to put out the fire before he passed out – he just forgot where he started it! Of course, the police found him passed out with half a box of Hot Pockets eaten and two Drumstick cones melting on the kitchen table…so maybe he forgot that the combination of smoke and the noise from the fire alarm work together to warn people that a fire is present…

     Folks, this behavior is a problem…and one solution to preventing this behavior is clear – legalize real marijuana! I’ve never heard of a pothead doing this!  When’s the last time you did anything like this after smoking weed? I rest my case…After all, when a pothead wants junk food, they have pizza delivered.

     Think about it, every time the word synthetic and marijuana are used in the same sentence, bad things happen. Don’t believe me? Just look at this headline from Fox News: “Synthetic Marijuana Spreading Among Youth in Suburbia, Obama re-elected!”

     The second thing we can do is fire the people who handle matriculation at Notre Dame…I mean, seriously…you rejected me, but accepted this guy? What the *&^% is wrong with you? I mean, I can party too, okay? I can be down with vandalism and destruction of private property, if that’s what it takes! Just call me!

    To sum up everything, I’ll end with a statement that McCurren made when asked if he had been doing drugs: “I sure hope so!” Me too, Kidd, me too – because if you do this kind of shit sober, you are definitely not invited to my house for dinner…