A Hot New Fad

 

     Folks, I was young once. I know, hard to believe, but it’s true. And when I was young, I was constantly chasing the newest fads. Usually that meant buying certain clothes, listening to really shitty music, wearing rubber bands as if it was jewelry, or taking part in highly competitive sports – like the Special Olympics. To this day, I still look at my medals with awe.

But today’s youth are into something a little hotter…namely, self-immolation YouTube videos. These kids are committing the ultimate party foul by dousing themselves in alcohol and then lighting up. When I was a teen, if someone wasted good booze this way, we would beat their ass. Sure, they are using rubbing alcohol, but if you don’t know any homeless people, then that may be the only way you can legally catch a buzz – and it tastes better than Listerine. Plus, when we said we were lighting up,, we were typically talking about illegal drugs, cigarettes, or a fancy cigar that our cultured friend would claim was from Cuba, but really came from that skeezy gas station on the outskirts of town.

     First off kids, what the hell are you thinking? You’re filming this and putting it up on YouTube…for free? I want to quote a great American now by saying, “if you’re good at something, never do it for free!” Don’t you know that this was how I paid for college the first time? Setting myself on fire for cash paid a lot better than being gigolo and a psychic did: mainly because I’m not very good-looking, and I do a horrible Mrs Cleo impression – Call me now for a free reading of my autobiography!

And I am not the only one to profit off of this, Barnum & Bailey made a small fortune having their freaks performers self-immolate in front of sold out crowds – plus, they got that same fifteen minutes of fame you were seeking!

The fact is, you can totally have a career with the circus…provided, you don’t die or get tired of being in agony for what amounts to minimum wage and free peanuts.

     The only other good reason to set yourself on fire is to prove a point. I mean, if you are losing an argument and then you douse yourself in gasoline and light up, no one can offer a rebuttal. Like that guy a few weeks ago who did it to protest social injustice, everyone knows he is dead serious about his point of view. I’ll be honest, I have thought about doing it to protest a 5th Twilight movie or Justin Bieber because you must have priorities.

Besides, you’re not Stephen Amell…you’re not going to get a following of faithful minions who worship your every tweet and status update just because you can successful hurt yourself in stupid ways…otherwise, Steve-O would still have a career.

     And do you know what else? If you keep perpetuating this new fad, no one will be afraid of hell anymore! Face it, if enough people see an “eternal” flame lick at your body while not consuming your body for fuel, it will kill religion. And that would hurt Jesus’ feelings! After all, how can we teach love and tolerance without the fear of spending an eternity in a fiery abyss?

Finally, let’s talk about the potential scars. Sure, chicks dig them, but only if you got those burns rescuing 70 puppies from a raging inferno threatening to destroy a pet store. If she finds out that you earned these scars to get more likes on Facebook, she is going to dump you – right after she laughs at you and tells everyone she knows just how stupid you are.

America, I know we have the need to be number one at everything, but being number one at stupidity just doesn’t sound that thrilling.