Getting Happy After My Meal

     Folks, I love buying Happy Meals just for the prize – especially when that prize is an ounce of heroin and a quarter of marijuana. I mean, how else can you choke down food from McDonald’s unless you are stoned out of your mind.

On January 29, 2014, undercover officers arrested 26-year-old Shantia Dennis of Pittsburg for selling heroin and weed through the drive-thru window. Apparently, she was just following instructions from the company website on ways to make ends meet. For those who haven’t heard, McDonald’s has offered advice for making living wages that included things like: getting a second job, selling all your Christmas presents, selling sperm or other bodily fluids, and/or taking up prostitution – they suggested mixing and matching these to ensure you can feed your family! So what she did wasn’t so bad, she just got a second job!

She even devised an intricate and foolproof way to sell the illegal items. A person would order a ‘toy’ from the drive-thru. Then this person would go to the first window to pay for it, and be given a Happy Meal box containing the special surprise. Since the customer would now have what they came for, they would bypass the second window and leave. How could this system ever go wrong?

Remember when they had those exclusive Transformers toys? You could buy a pound of crack cheaper than those things went for on eBay! I can totally see a customer purchasing what they believe is an exclusive toy, going so far as to end up paying an exorbitant fee…only to be upset that they only bought some smack and ganja – and to relieve their sadness, they would need to use all that smack and ganja!

     With more people switching to healthier alternatives, McDonald’s should appreciate the fact that employees like Shantia are doing everything in the power to increase sales. She is just following the first rule of business: give the customer what they want, and in this case her customers want to be f***ed up. I don’t see a problem!

In fact, this is a much better idea than sponsoring the Olympics because at least Shantia knows who McDonald’s customer base is. After all, McDonald’s regular customers don’t watch the Olympics, and I am pretty sure that none of them participate in them! I mean, let’s keep this real, the closest McDonald’s got to legitimately being in the Olympics was when John Candy played that bobsled coach in Cool Runnings.

America, we are supposed to reward the entrepreneurial spirit! After all, isn’t every capitalist some type of criminal? Sure, what she did wasn’t quite on the level, but neither was Toyota selling millions of cars that had faulty braking systems, which they knew could result in thousands of deaths just because it is cheaper to recall the ones that do have problems than prevent the problem to begin with.

     Besides, hasn’t the CIA done this since Vietnam? If so, isn’t she just doing her patriotic duty by helping finance a black ops organization? We should be giving her a medal, not a mugshot!

Well, Shantia, once all this hoopla is over, if Mickey D’s won’t let you keep your job, I have a new one in mind – Governor of Florida. After all, our current one was convicted of 14 felonies before he got the job….

Re-Maine High, and Ye Deserve to Die

Folks, I realize that one of the biggest thrills in life is having a rampant heroin addiction. But the fact is if you jump on the horse, you should be willing to pay the piper. Luckily for us all, Republican Governor Paul Lepage of Maine agrees with me. He is pushing for legislation that will end access to lifesaving anti-overdose medications because he knows that having access to such medications will only increase your dependency on drugs. I mean, right now in Maine, shooting up heroin is like playing Russian Roulette with an empty gun – there is no risk! But, if this legislation passes it will be just like playing it an AR-15 with a fully loaded 100 round drum – and isn’t that the way it should be?

     The controversy stems from a bill sponsored by Democrat Sara Gideon. Sara is proposing that police officers, EMTs, firefighters, at-risk users, and those users families be given a lifesaving drug called Narcan. This bill has come about in response to the rising number of overdoses in the state of Maine – the number of fatal heroin overdoses quadrupled from 2011 to 2012. LePage remarked that he would never allow such a bill to pass, and that the state assembly should restrict access to such medications since it will lead drug addicts to think they are “invincible.” I’m sure that being invincible is exactly the thought that passes through the mind of a person dying from a drug overdose.

Face it, Lepage is making the right choice. You can tell that, right? I mean look at the guy! Isn’t that the face of a man you can trust?

He understands that anyone taking illegal drugs deserves whatever happens. This isn’t a video game – you don’t get an extra life when you chomp down on a magic mushroom! You want to smoke some of that flower power, you better be prepared to get burned! If you’re injecting plasmids expecting to get electricity powers, you best be ready to fry!

So what if public health officials laugh and scoff at LePage’s claims! Sure, they claim there is no evidence to support LePage’s statements, but when do republicans need evidence? We make our decisions based on our gut or our own twisted interpretations of the bible – like how Jesus said **** the poor!

Author’s Note:  According to the Center for Disease Control (CDC), most heroin users are middle-aged men and women from conservative states – this is based on a publication from the CDC in 2010, West Virginia had the highest rate of accidental heroin overdose in the nation, while California and New York had the lowest.

Besides, it isn’t the state’s responsibility to see to the welfare of citizens who are most likely to die from these overdoses.  LePage knows that anyone using illegal drugs in a conservative state must be some “hippie libtard” and if they are allowed to survive, they may actually vote! And we can’t have that because these guys may demand compassion and respect from their elected officials!

     This isn’t the first time that LePage has vetoed legislation in order to take a hard stance on drug use. In his three years as governor, he has consistently cut funding to drug rehab programs, and last year he vetoed legislation that would prevent prosecution of someone notifying police of a drug overdose if they were also under the influence. He even tried to ban Funyuns!

     LePage has even changed the way officers are compensated! On Monday, two Maine State Troopers claimed that their pay had been frozen, and that they were forced to collect roadkill in order to feed their family. This is what republicans call incentivizing! If police officers want to get paid so they can provide for their families, then they better get all the drugs off the streets – otherwise, it’s raccoon and opossum again for supper!

     America, the best way to ensure taxpayer money is not wasted on frivolous expenses is to get the taxpayers wasted and then waste them! That way there is no one left to complain about how their money is spent! Instead of social programs to protect the poorest and most disenfranchised Americans from capitalism, we should let them be evicted and die starving in the streets begging the wealthy for table scraps…After all, that model worked really well for Marie Antoinette and Louis XVI.