And Unto Your Commandments I Give You One Other, Blow S*%$ Up!

 

     Folks, I am a happy man. Happy because I know that when Jesus comes back, he will be coming back for me and he will be covered in blood – like the psycho from the Saw movies…

This was the claim made last fall at the WallBuilders’ Pro-Family Legislators Conference by Lt. General Jerry Boykin of the Family Research Council. Boykin also told his audience that Jesus will come back carrying an AR-15.

That’s right America, Boykin doesn’t buy into that liberal crap that claims Jesus was a hippie who instructed humanity to turn the other cheek. He knows that the real Jesus was a “manly man” who wouldn’t hesitate to bust a few caps on his neighbors. After all, Jesus said turn “your weapons into plowshares,” that way he wouldn’t have any resistance when he decides to kill us all.

That’s why we have the 2nd Amendment! Or at least that’s why Boykin says we have it. The bible clearly instructs us to place the biggest sword available to us in our personal armories, and today that sword is a military grade assault rifle! The founding fathers knew this too, which is why they added a note to the 2nd Amendment that says, “Machine Guns F*** YEAH!”

Boykin knows that the inspiration for that Amendment, as well as the entire Constitution, is biblical – that little clause about separating church and state was Satanist lies inserted by that Atheist bastard, Franklin. After all, there is a reason he was never President (besides the fact that he never actually ran), and that reason was spent too much time reading and not enough time blowing shit up.

     I’m with you Boykin, American families don’t need better job security, higher wages so they can eat and pay bills, health insurance, or more education opportunities for their children so they can find some means of social mobility; no American’s need gun-toting, bloody Jesus to help usher in a Golden Age of Peace…a Golden Age that can only begin after brutally slaying anyone who may disagree with sane members of society like Boykin. That’s why I totally agree with his advice that good Christians can prove their loyalty to God by purchasing as many of these weapons as they can!

     But I don’t think you are thinking long-term enough. After all, if all good Christians get AR-15s, won’t those communist atheists buy rocket-propelled grenades? Why not encourage the good people of America, i.e. Christians, to start buying land mines and tanks. And after the godless commies buy similar items, encourage them to buy weapons grade plutonium so we can start building homemade nukes! After all, we can only be closer to God by sending each other to meet him in the fastest ways possible.

I mean, how else could you ever be expected to love your neighbor without first knowing you could take him out during the zombie apocalypse. Besides, ammunition is expensive! And the fact that you are willing to shoot them to begin with is the real definition of love!

Folks, Jesus never wanted humanity to become a pacifist species. Otherwise he would have made sure that his biographers wrote extensively about his views on love and peace.

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The Problem with Immigration – the Fact that Everything Is Going Down the Toilet

Folks, I don’t know about you, but I love knowing that the Republican Party is working to make a more inclusive America. Just today, Arizona state Representative Carl Seel introduced legislation to bond people on the basis of race and ethnicity. His bill, House Bill 2192, would require all undocumented immigrants to go to jail if they use a public restroom. Folks, I am in complete agreement with this piece of legislation – after all, only an American citizen has the right to take a crap on American soil!

Folks, we have a responsibility to protect our borders and reduce the costs that states and the federal government incur because of undocumented aliens – just think about how much money the country spent trying prove the Tanners were secretly harboring an ALF named Gordon! The burden to the taxpayer must have been tremendous! Seel knows that the most effective way to reduce that taxpayer burden is to increase the burden on taxpayers.

Think about it, we can use taxpayer money to hire bathroom attendants. That’s the genius of this bill – it’s a job creator!  This means instead of using that money to train, educate, and improve the living conditions of thousands of Arizona residents, we can use the money to turn public restrooms into private clubs – if you aren’t on the list, you aren’t getting (to) crap!

Honestly, I can’t see any downsides to passing this law. So what if it this will mean that every time you use the facilities, there will be someone standing at the door to check your ID – which in this case would require a birth certificate or a visa, at least there will always be someone there who can hand you toilet paper if the stall is out!

So, yes, you would be required to prove you are a citizen…Or it would require you to look like an American citizen. Folks, here are seven easy ways to ensure that the bathroom police never ask to see your driver’s license:

  1. Be white. This is the easiest way to avoid being asked for identification proving you are an American citizen. If you are white, it is just assumed that you belong here. I should know since I am an illegal alien from Namibia and I’ve never been threatened with deportation!
  2. Learn to speak English American. Sure, it sounds similar to the language I scratched out, but they are completely different. Never use any other language on our soil – we don’t care if you were here first – I’m looking at you, Native Americans who were here thousands of years before anyone else, and I’m looking at you, the Spanish, who came here almost 100 years before the English.
  3. Also, we live in ‘Murica, not America. If you call it America, then we know you don’t belong here. Also, you should grunt a lot, and talk about how people are “always stealing your jobs.” If anyone ever asks which jobs are those, just shrug. That’s because that is a trick question since every ‘Murican knows that the only jobs being stolen are the really shitty ones that no one wanted anyway and this complaint is just to get attention.
  4. Learn everything about NASCAR – this isn’t that hard since all they do is make left turns for 5 hours! Real ‘Muricans, especially those in Arizona, aren’t smart enough to get involved in stimulating debates on global climate change or the stratification of wealth based on intersections of social class, gender, and race. Instead, talk about how Dale Earnhardt got a bum deal and if he hadn’t died in that car wreck, he would still be king.
  5. Listen to Country Music. Sure, it’s sad, depressing, and makes me want to shove pencils in my ears so that I don’t have to listen to Billy Ray Cyrus anymore, but no one questions where I belong! Also, this can lead to bonding with that toothless, old guy who hangs out at the local bar waving his guns around while blaming Obama  for everything. Which brings me to my next two points…
  6. Get some guns and wave them around. Nothing says ‘Murican, like being a responsible gun owner who is ready at a moments notice to shoot up a guy who is shooting up a school, kill a guy for sending a text message in a movie theater, or murder an unarmed teenager for jaywalking in an all white neighborhood. You also need guns so that you can wave them in the face of people who want to limit your ability to do any of those aforementioned things by passing common sense gun legislation.
  7. You need to blame Obama for everything. Snow in Florida and heat wave in Alaska, it’s Obama’s fault. Have to pay taxes, it’s Obama’s fault. The local convenience store is out of Whatchamacallits – damn you Obama! After all, none of those things ever occurred while a white man was President.

With all the problems facing our nation (poverty, homelessness, child abuse, lack of jobs, an inability of Congress to do anything besides argue), I feel much better knowing the direction the Republican Party is taking me…

After all, I have always wanted to live in the Dark Ages…

Missouri Loves Company…and Guns

Folks, I have never wanted to visit Missouri – much less live there! I never have…that is until recently! That’s because Missouri has just passed a string of laws intended to give sane people the middle finger.

On Wednesday, May 8, the Republican-led Legislature rushed out several new bills. These Republicans knew they had to protect the good people of Missouri from a chaos-fueled world filled with acts of violence and hatred by passing laws that increase the likelihood of chaos, violence, and bigotry.

The first law concerns the sustainability agreement of the United Nation’s referred to as Agenda 21. This agreement is currently a non-binding solution to the problems of poverty and environmental conservation. Republican’s view it as anti-biblical because they know that god gave us this planet to destroy at our leisure and that Jesus said “F*** poor people.”

We can’t be concerned with reasonable growth and replenishment guidelines that no one follows anyway! We have to cut down the rain-forests now because they are still there – and no one wants that!

These government officials wisely realize that once Agenda 21 is in full swing, the United Nations will come to Missouri to confiscate private property to help fund it. After all, there is so much of value in Missouri…

The second of these bills involves Sharia Law. Missouri Law-Makers know that the Constitutional   statement that declares “church and state must be separated” is only a suggestion, so they passed laws saying that Sharia Law can never be considered the governing law of the state. We can’t have Sharia Law in place! According to Islāmic Law, all crime is a sin – including white-collar crime! Islāmic Law also declares that a person is obligated to be charitable! This provision says that “while private property rights are acknowledged, a person who has must share with one who has not.” That is a completely foreign concept to any God-loving Republican! There are also dietary restrictions, and since the Arab nations are not obese they are in no position to talk to us about what is good to eat! That’s the same as trusting a skinny chef!

But these two laws were just the appetizer. The main course involves our nation’s favorite hot button topic right now – guns.

Missouri voted to make it a crime to enforce Federal gun laws within the state. They also legalized open carry of any weapon who’s barrel is less than 15 inches.

But, most importantly, they made it mandatory for school employees to carry a gun. At risk of being fired. That’s right America, Missouri knows that the only way to properly educate our children is to hire Ted Nugent. Teachers will also be given limited arrest powers. That means if little Johnny fires off a spit-ball, he won’t go to the principal – he will go straight to jail without collecting his two hundred dollars.

Miranda Rights are a Federal thing, so who needs those! Under this law, these new “school protection officers” are legally allowed to detain children for up to four hours. Wait, I thought we already had a program like that in place…called detention.

Another provision of the bill makes it illegal for a Doctor to ask a crazy person if they own a gun. It doesn’t matter if the patient says they want to bomb a school or kill their spouse, Doctors cannot ask their patients or notify police of anything that is said. That’s because the Missouri legislature understands that these people don’t mean it! They just need a healthier outlet for expressing their frustrations – like shopping…for new guns…that they can use to commit violent crime.

These three laws were all the love-children of Senate Majority Whip Brian Nieves. Nieves immediately updated his Facebook status with “MURIKAH!” upon their passage.

Representative Doug Funderburk went on to say that “the people of Boston probably wished they had guns in their homes when the terrorists were running around.” That’s right Funder-man, we know that despite the fact that not a single Boston civilian mentioned, was photographed with, tweeted, or updated their Facebook status with their wish to use their guns to hunt terrorists – they secretly desired to do so!

So America, I am urging you to stand by Missouri and their new Darwinian Trifecta. Once the dust settles and the lead stops flying, property there will be rather inexpensive.

This Idea Is Worse Than a Kick In The %^&*

Folks, after a long and possibly unforgivable hiatus from writing, I am back, tan, and in better shape than ever! Okay, maybe, I am still pale and a fat bastard, but at least I am back! And, hopefully, after today’s topic, you will forgive my absence.

The Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation is concerned about STI’s. They want everyone to have a lot of groovy sex without having to take penicillin afterwards. But, they realize that condoms suck. So, in an effort to make your late-night orgies safer and “more pleasurable”, they are holding a contest that has a $100,000 prize to anyone who “can develop an idea that leads to the creation of condoms that increase pleasure in the hope that people will use them”.

That’s right – they will pay you to create and test objects used in sexual situations. Now, sure, you could design a condom that doesn’t cut off circulation. Or perhaps, you could design a condom that doesn’t make you want to join the priesthood afterwards. In other words, you could “build a better mousetrap.”

Or, you could take the route that Joerg Sprave took. Joerg Sprave builds slingshots. When he heard about this contest, he naturally decided that what we really need is a quick, easy way to apply condoms. So, he invented the “Condom Applicator Slingshot Gun.” He knows that men love guns and men love sex – therefore, combining both is a no brainer!

So Sprave built his device and then he uploaded a video to YouTube that would highlight all of the gun’s best features – like the loud popping noise it makes after it fires! The noise is comparable to the sound a shotgun makes when you go quail hunting. As a matter of fact, the sound alone is guaranteed to ensure safe sex because no man on earth would be able to perform after hearing that go off so close to his genitals.

The sound is actually the result of the sonic boom that is created when the gun applies the condom to your penis. I mean, what’s better than firing high speed projectiles at your crotch? I call that Saturday.

So, that’s it. That’s all the benefits. It’s a gun that fires condoms at frighteningly high speeds at your manhood.

Sprave acknowledges that his device needs work. The first drawback is that it isn’t accurate. But that’s a minor setback, really. It properly applies the condom one out of every eight times. That’s better odds than Vegas.

The second drawback is that it inspires Fear. Come on, don’t be a wuss. What is there to be afraid of – I mean other than the fact that you are pointing a gun that resembles a medieval torture device at what is probably the best relationship you have ever had and then proceeding to fire a spring-loaded object on your penis.

Lastly, he mentions the least of all the complaints he has received thus far on the condom gun…it causes severe pain. Sprave kinda mumbles that before laughing hysterically and then adding “but that is why I need the money, so that I can improve it!” Yeah, he doesn’t want to hurt you – you can tell that from the way he laughs evilly throughout the  video.

I can see the commercial right already! A guy and girl are thinking about having pre-marital sex. He tries to get aggressive and she tells him that they can’t without using protection while pulling the Condom Applicator Slingshot Gun out of her purse. They proceed to have a safe encounter because after she shows her date the CASG, he runs screaming from her house.

So come on Bill and Melinda, give the guy the money. I mean after all, at least the Fifty Shades of Grey crowd would be into it.