Can You Hear Me Now?

     Folks, when God speaks, do you listen? For instance if God told you to get into church, what would you do to meet his demand? Well, if you are Stephanie Hamman, 23, of Church Hill, Tennessee, you not only hear God talking to you, but when he tells you to get into church – you park your car in the center pew!

This story starts after Stephanie “smokes a lot of weed.” In fact, she smokes so much weed, that God tells her that smoking “all day and night” is probably bad for her health, and she should probably think about cutting back to just a doobie or two before bed. But, I am getting ahead of myself, first after smoking more weed than Cheech and Chong have seen in their lifetimes, Stephanie began to hear the voice of God.

He told her that “the devil was in” her; furthermore, he wanted her to go to church. “So God told me He wanted me in there, so I drove my car through the front doors.” That’s because parking out front wastes time that could be spent praying. Plus, the church was technically closed, how else was she going to unlock the building? She knew that God provides, and the key he gave her was a Toyota Celica. That’s right folks, God doesn’t shop American, which is unAmerican of him! Sure, you get better gas mileage before you commit vandalism, but wouldn’t this story have been more ironic if she had driven a Ram?

     But God wasn’t the only one speaking to her in that moment! She was involved in conference call with the upstairs and downstairs managers at the same time! While God was telling her to get inside of that church, the devil told her to bring a knife with her…because her husband was a worshipper of NASCAR. I mean, if you need a religion, that one is pretty easy to follow – after all, it’s all left turns.

After stumbling out of her car, she prostrated herself (and her knife) in front of the altar and prayed. It was then that God told her that she she “only needed to smoke pot to relax at night.” Then, in a compromising move, God and Satan told her to call her husband. She knew what she had to do.

Her husband, Steve, arrived a few minutes later. Worried, he ran to the altar to check on his wife who was laying motionless on the floor. As soon as Steve touched Stephanie’s shoulder, all hell broke loose. Stephanie screamed, “the devil is in me,” as she stabbed him in the side. Reflecting back on the incident with police officers, she said, “I prayed I would not have to use it on him, but I did.”

I mean, I can completely empathize with Stephanie. I mean, who hasn’t had God and Satan demanding that you destroy other people’s property and stab your spouse? I mean, you can’t tell those guys no!

But why did Stephanie choose that church? “I was riding with them to a party at the racetrack when they brought me here,” she told police. “I was outside digging in the mud when the devil told me I need to go there. I knew God would help me live right.” Plus, she had been baptized there just last Sunday!

When interviewed, Pastor Joel Trigg said, “I have never seen her before in my life.”

    Wait…what? How could the pastor of the church she made into her garage not remember a baptism from less than a week ago? “I smoke a bunch of weed. I love to smoke it. Sometimes when I do, I start seeing things that others don’t. Isn’t God good? He told me that this would happen, and just look, I am okay.”

Oh, well that makes sense.

Folks, we have to legalize weed now. How else can we have such intimate discussions with heaven and hell? Sure we could seek out a priest and go to confession, but this sounds like a lot more fun. Now that I think about it, I’ll bet this was what the burning bush was made of! And if it is good enough for Moses and Stephanie, then isn’t it good enough for us? To hell with medical marijuana, I say bring on spiritual marijuana! Then we won’t need the Pope to talk to God for us! Just think, all those years of our youth that we thought we wasted getting high was actually the closest we have ever been to Heaven.

     Folks, I can forgive God for not buying American, but I’m not sure I can forgive him for keeping this direct phone line such a secret.


And Unto Your Commandments I Give You One Other, Blow S*%$ Up!


     Folks, I am a happy man. Happy because I know that when Jesus comes back, he will be coming back for me and he will be covered in blood – like the psycho from the Saw movies…

This was the claim made last fall at the WallBuilders’ Pro-Family Legislators Conference by Lt. General Jerry Boykin of the Family Research Council. Boykin also told his audience that Jesus will come back carrying an AR-15.

That’s right America, Boykin doesn’t buy into that liberal crap that claims Jesus was a hippie who instructed humanity to turn the other cheek. He knows that the real Jesus was a “manly man” who wouldn’t hesitate to bust a few caps on his neighbors. After all, Jesus said turn “your weapons into plowshares,” that way he wouldn’t have any resistance when he decides to kill us all.

That’s why we have the 2nd Amendment! Or at least that’s why Boykin says we have it. The bible clearly instructs us to place the biggest sword available to us in our personal armories, and today that sword is a military grade assault rifle! The founding fathers knew this too, which is why they added a note to the 2nd Amendment that says, “Machine Guns F*** YEAH!”

Boykin knows that the inspiration for that Amendment, as well as the entire Constitution, is biblical – that little clause about separating church and state was Satanist lies inserted by that Atheist bastard, Franklin. After all, there is a reason he was never President (besides the fact that he never actually ran), and that reason was spent too much time reading and not enough time blowing shit up.

     I’m with you Boykin, American families don’t need better job security, higher wages so they can eat and pay bills, health insurance, or more education opportunities for their children so they can find some means of social mobility; no American’s need gun-toting, bloody Jesus to help usher in a Golden Age of Peace…a Golden Age that can only begin after brutally slaying anyone who may disagree with sane members of society like Boykin. That’s why I totally agree with his advice that good Christians can prove their loyalty to God by purchasing as many of these weapons as they can!

     But I don’t think you are thinking long-term enough. After all, if all good Christians get AR-15s, won’t those communist atheists buy rocket-propelled grenades? Why not encourage the good people of America, i.e. Christians, to start buying land mines and tanks. And after the godless commies buy similar items, encourage them to buy weapons grade plutonium so we can start building homemade nukes! After all, we can only be closer to God by sending each other to meet him in the fastest ways possible.

I mean, how else could you ever be expected to love your neighbor without first knowing you could take him out during the zombie apocalypse. Besides, ammunition is expensive! And the fact that you are willing to shoot them to begin with is the real definition of love!

Folks, Jesus never wanted humanity to become a pacifist species. Otherwise he would have made sure that his biographers wrote extensively about his views on love and peace.

I Like The Fact That You Are Willfully Ignorant

     Folks, I applaud the Republican Party’s shutdown of the United States government! After all, if the Christian Right bring our country to its knees, isn’t that the same as saying that God destroyed America?

But it isn’t all doom and gloom, America. The Republican Party knows that most of its constituents read on a third-grade level – that’s why Ted Cruz quoted Dr. Seuss! They also know that most of you didn’t bother to finish Dr. Seuss’s masterpiece “Green Eggs and Ham” because it was way too long, and “Game of Thrones” was about to start.

     I realized the truth of this when I told a group of people to research what the Affordable Care Act actually does and they all told me that they “didn’t know what it did, and [we] didn’t care to understand it because Glenn Beck said it was bad.”

You see, the GOP knows America. Think about it like this: if Ted Cruz says “Liberals are destroying America with Obamacare,” he can get away with it because there isn’t anyone in that party who is smart enough to fact check him. Besides, Obamacare is really a Republican idea that the Democrats have actually embraced – so Republicans have to claim that they hate the thing that the actually created because they can’t afford to have their competition get the credit for improving people’s lives.

That’s why Boehner calls it socialized medicine – because he knows that term alone will make his voters hate it! This way, the Republican Party can have it repealed so that when they finally get a Republican President, they can rebrand it as Ameri-care and sell it as an original idea! It’s a genius move!

Actually anytime a Democrat tries to pass a common sense piece of legislation or a piece of legislation that may be good for the whole country, they know they have to distance themselves from it because it most likely infringes on the Constitution. Take Romney, for instance. He passed some really restrictive gun laws while he was governor, but when Democrats wanted to ensure that terrorists and crazy people can’t get guns, the Republicans claimed that they were trying to infringe on your Constitutional rights. Even now, when a Democrat tried to pass a bill that says “Congress will not get paid, so long as the shutdown is in effect,” the GOP immediately shut him up by defending the Constitution that says, “Congress gets their $174,000 a year whether you get paid or not.”

But not everything is shut down.

After all, the shutdown cannot be allowed to affect any of the members of Congress because they are all independently wealthy, and deserve to have a good time. And any parts of the shutdown that could hinder their good times are being solved with piece meal legislation.

Airline delays? Piece meal legislation so that they can fly wherever they wish.

Vacations to the National Forest while 800,000 men and women are furloughed? Piece meal legislation to reopen them.

This also makes it look like they actually care about their constituents!

In fact, they care so much that they closed the one federal employee gym that is used by non-Congress members, so that they could keep the one that is available only to them open. That’s love!

Folks, these guys know that throwing a temper tantrum is how you get what you want. After all, every time you acted out in a grocery store as a kid, your mom always gave you stuff to get you to stop…stuff like a beating in front of everyone there.

     Which brings me to my breakthrough idea for ending the shutdown: We need to fly to Washington (since there are no delays) and put each and everyone of these spoiled, entitled brats over our knee. I can provide the switches! I’m talking bare-bottom, no mercy, beat you like your grandmother did when you were a kid, spankings. This is the only way to put children back in line when they throw a temper tantrum. Sure, they may cry for a little bit. Or whine that so and so deserves it, but they don’t. We just need to ignore all that posturing, and do what is best for America by whipping them into shape.


Politics Are Just a Bad Lip Read

Folks, regardless of the horrible things that may happen to you, just remember one thing: “God meant for it to happen.”

That’s the new claim by a Republican Indiana Senate hopeful named Richard Mourdock. Mourdock was specifically addressing women when he made the remark, and he was specifically referring to rape…and pregnancies that occur from it.

See, Mourdock is on a first name basis with the big guy and they talked it out and it turns out that the big guy – well, he is a twisted, old f*** who hates women. Or at least the big guy that Mourdock talks to is anyway! Mourdock claims that “getting raped is part of God’s plan” if it “results in pregnancy.” That’s because God can’t be content with the number of people already going to hell, he wants to up the ante by forcing more women to endure traumatic experiences and bring children into the world that they never asked for or wanted.

Mourdock’s comments are representative of the entire Republican Party. Just a few days ago, Presidential candidate Mitt Romney said “I like this guy. He thinks like I do. Vote for him.” This all follows remarks made by Todd Aiken saying that “legitimate rape never results in pregnancy.” So the question is: does that mean that the reason the pregnancies that result from rape are part of God’s plan because it technically wasn’t rape? Did she send a telepathic signal to her rapist begging for him to violate her?

Is it just me or does all this sound like lines from a Bad Lip Reading? These guys aren’t actually saying this stuff, right? I mean, sure sometimes politicians say things that make no sense, like when Rick Perry said “I love hot yellow Kool-Aid” or when Mitt Romney said “and I want everyone to stuff the ice chest”, but no one would say anything about rape being God’s will! Right? Wait, my staff is telling me that those first two were actually the work of Bad Lip Reading, but apparently that the last soundbite is real.

Well, then…perhaps we can make a valid argument from all of these quotes regardless of who said them. I am not sure if any of the politicians actually said any of this or if it is solely the work of that genius group of people who call themselves Bad Lip Reading, but here is my attempt to make sense of the political messages we all keep hearing today.

Sometimes, your ice chest gets stuffed without your permission in this misogynistic world. But even when God is making you have an Asian baby, you can’t lose faith. Just save a pretzel for the gas jets, find the eye of the sparrow, and force badgers and spiders on all of your enemies while telling the world “nyah nyah nyah.”