I Wasn’t Looking For This Kind of “Notre-iety”

     Folks, now I understand why I was rejected from Notre Dame’s graduate school – I don’t like Hot Pockets! I also don’t break into Massage parlors while high on synthetic marijuana.

I mean, I knew that there had to be a serious reason why Notre Dame wouldn’t want a student who was an accomplished researcher, had a nearly perfect GPA, and looks good in a kilt!

     Last Sunday, Brian McCurren, 19, smashed through a wall with a 100 lb flower-pot to get inside of a spa in South Bend, Indiana. The spa, Therapeutic Indulgence, is world-renowned for its Swedish massage techniques as well as keeping a refrigerator full of delicious treats like Drumsticks, Toaster Strudel, and Hot Pockets.

     It’s good to know that Notre Dame recruits the very best potential students for their institution – It makes getting passed over that much easier.

     I mean, think about it, it takes a highly intelligent person to perform complex problem solving behaviors when said person is “visibly intoxicated” and “high as a kite on fake marijuana.” I mean, how else could someone get inside of a public retail establishment other than smashing through the drywall with a makeshift hammer? I’ll bet he graduates at the top of his DUI class!

     Once McCurren managed to get inside of the massage parlor, he faced another problem – how to cook macaroni and cheese without burning the building down…which almost happened since police found him passed out with the mac & cheese on fire in the oven…

     I would argue that since the fire alarms were going off and that it had been discovered that he had sprayed a fire extinguisher in several rooms of the spa, that he was trying to put out the fire before he passed out – he just forgot where he started it! Of course, the police found him passed out with half a box of Hot Pockets eaten and two Drumstick cones melting on the kitchen table…so maybe he forgot that the combination of smoke and the noise from the fire alarm work together to warn people that a fire is present…

     Folks, this behavior is a problem…and one solution to preventing this behavior is clear – legalize real marijuana! I’ve never heard of a pothead doing this!  When’s the last time you did anything like this after smoking weed? I rest my case…After all, when a pothead wants junk food, they have pizza delivered.

     Think about it, every time the word synthetic and marijuana are used in the same sentence, bad things happen. Don’t believe me? Just look at this headline from Fox News: “Synthetic Marijuana Spreading Among Youth in Suburbia, Obama re-elected!”

     The second thing we can do is fire the people who handle matriculation at Notre Dame…I mean, seriously…you rejected me, but accepted this guy? What the *&^% is wrong with you? I mean, I can party too, okay? I can be down with vandalism and destruction of private property, if that’s what it takes! Just call me!

    To sum up everything, I’ll end with a statement that McCurren made when asked if he had been doing drugs: “I sure hope so!” Me too, Kidd, me too – because if you do this kind of shit sober, you are definitely not invited to my house for dinner…

Getting Off The Horse

Sometimes when I am hammered, I like to go for a ride…but not just ANY ride. I want to hop on a pony and head out into the sunset – chasing a whiskey high and a setting sun. Think about it – drunken horseback riding is perfectly legal in most places, and there is nothing like being a drunken asshole towards an animal that can trample you to death once you pass out and fall from the saddle. This is probably the best part about being a cowboy – taking shots every time your mount pulls on its bridal. Do you know what I mean? Anybody?

Well, Charles Larkin Cowart, 29, understands me. Just this past Monday, Charles was arrested for operating a large mammal while intoxicated (Technically he was just charged with disorderly conduct and resisting arrest without violence).

The tiny town of Bunnell, Florida was rocked in scandal when Charles took his dad’s horse on a drunken joyride through town. Concerned citizens informed law enforcement that a drunk guy was trampling around on a horse. When the police arrived on the scene to confront Charles, Charles told them that he didn’t have time to be pulled over because “he was on his way to grandma’s house”. Reports didn’t say if he was wearing a red hoodie when he was arrested, but he may have alluded to the fact that a wolf was meeting him there for cookies.

When the police insisted he dismount, Charles did the only thing a dutiful, drunken grandson can – he caused the horse to rear up on the po-po, and made a break for the border! Charles led the police on a spectacular chase around the sleepy little hamlet that lasted thirty minutes, and finally ended on a set of train tracks when the horse decided to stop running. Maybe the horse knew that it could plea bargain a lesser charge by turning itself in because Charles was unable to coax the beast into moving anymore.

As a train hurtled towards them, the horse faced certain death with a smile and Charles puked over the side of his saddle bags…fortunately the police were able to get the train stopped long before it endangered the dynamic duo, but this didn’t help the cops with their biggest problem – how do you get a drunk man off of a 900lb animal? It’s not like they could just shoot him! After all, the horse was black and think of the media shitstorm that would have caused if they missed Charles and hit the horse! People would have said the cops were racist speciest anti-horse. So the police did the best thing they could – they called his dad! His dad then proceeded to knock Charles off the F***ing horse with a bat!

Now Charles knew he was caught, so he did what any reasonable man would do in this situation – he flipped the bird and took off on foot. Cops quickly overtook the man as he ran…and by ran, I mean he stumbled aimlessly and tripped over his own feet.

Charles isn’t the only one to be recently arrested for this crime. Back in September of 2004, a case came before the Supreme Court of Pennsylvania involving a defendant named Noel. The Court ruled that because the horse is a living animal, it didn’t qualify as a vehicle so Noel couldn’t be charged with a D.U.I.

 I think next week I will go to Philadelphia, get drunk, and ride a lion around town – so not only do I not have to worry about a D.U.I, but my  DD comes with claws!

After all, what possible dangers could a living, thinking creature pose if the person experienced in handling it is three-sheets to the wind and screaming “go faster, bulls-eye” into its ears.

Charles was also charged with cruelty to animals, which I can only assume is because he disrespected his designated driver by not offering to buy him dinner. After all, if it were cruel to handle horses while drunk, we would have laws against it…