Getting Happy After My Meal

     Folks, I love buying Happy Meals just for the prize – especially when that prize is an ounce of heroin and a quarter of marijuana. I mean, how else can you choke down food from McDonald’s unless you are stoned out of your mind.

On January 29, 2014, undercover officers arrested 26-year-old Shantia Dennis of Pittsburg for selling heroin and weed through the drive-thru window. Apparently, she was just following instructions from the company website on ways to make ends meet. For those who haven’t heard, McDonald’s has offered advice for making living wages that included things like: getting a second job, selling all your Christmas presents, selling sperm or other bodily fluids, and/or taking up prostitution – they suggested mixing and matching these to ensure you can feed your family! So what she did wasn’t so bad, she just got a second job!

She even devised an intricate and foolproof way to sell the illegal items. A person would order a ‘toy’ from the drive-thru. Then this person would go to the first window to pay for it, and be given a Happy Meal box containing the special surprise. Since the customer would now have what they came for, they would bypass the second window and leave. How could this system ever go wrong?

Remember when they had those exclusive Transformers toys? You could buy a pound of crack cheaper than those things went for on eBay! I can totally see a customer purchasing what they believe is an exclusive toy, going so far as to end up paying an exorbitant fee…only to be upset that they only bought some smack and ganja – and to relieve their sadness, they would need to use all that smack and ganja!

     With more people switching to healthier alternatives, McDonald’s should appreciate the fact that employees like Shantia are doing everything in the power to increase sales. She is just following the first rule of business: give the customer what they want, and in this case her customers want to be f***ed up. I don’t see a problem!

In fact, this is a much better idea than sponsoring the Olympics because at least Shantia knows who McDonald’s customer base is. After all, McDonald’s regular customers don’t watch the Olympics, and I am pretty sure that none of them participate in them! I mean, let’s keep this real, the closest McDonald’s got to legitimately being in the Olympics was when John Candy played that bobsled coach in Cool Runnings.

America, we are supposed to reward the entrepreneurial spirit! After all, isn’t every capitalist some type of criminal? Sure, what she did wasn’t quite on the level, but neither was Toyota selling millions of cars that had faulty braking systems, which they knew could result in thousands of deaths just because it is cheaper to recall the ones that do have problems than prevent the problem to begin with.

     Besides, hasn’t the CIA done this since Vietnam? If so, isn’t she just doing her patriotic duty by helping finance a black ops organization? We should be giving her a medal, not a mugshot!

Well, Shantia, once all this hoopla is over, if Mickey D’s won’t let you keep your job, I have a new one in mind – Governor of Florida. After all, our current one was convicted of 14 felonies before he got the job….


Sniffing Around For an A

Folks, I now know what it takes to be a great father – an ounce of cocaine and tree large mammals capable of ripping an ordinary man to shreds! Earlier this week, Miami-Dade detective, Douglas Bartelt, allowed his 10-year-old, Emma, to borrow three police dogs and 28 grams of cocaine. Most kids ask for a bag of sugar and some Kool-Aid when they want to go into business for themselves, but little Emma here wanted to go straight from adorable 4th grader to Scar-Face.

Okay, so she actually wanted the dogs and the drugs for a science project, but seriously what normal child sits down and says “I want to devise a school project that revolves around three attack dogs and an ounce of blow?”

But, according to her parents, Michelle and Douglas, that is exactly what Emma did. She wrote her abstract which stated, “The purpose for this scientific investigation was to find which dog would find the cocaine fastest using it’s [sic] sense of smell.”

Immediately, questions begin running through my head. Where would she hide the drugs? Is there a bully at school who has gotten little Emma’s bad side and she was now planning on stashing incriminating evidence in his/her locker and then unleashing the dogs to “discover” the crime? What parent would give their ten-year-olds drugs? Oh that’s right, Emma said she wanted some coke for “science” *wink, wink*. Isn’t that the same thing potheads say when they get caught with weed? “No officer, it is being used recreationally, we are doing a perfectly acceptable scientific inquiry into the effects of being stoned.”

But, Emma was given the drugs…and the drug sniffing dogs…lucky little girl – the best gift my parents ever gave me was a trip to McDonald’s on my birthday.

There were only two stipulations: 1) Emma couldn’t handle the dogs, and 2) Emma couldn’t handle the drugs. Her mom was very clear on that last one: “Her dad handled the drugs. He’s always very meticulous about how he handles drugs.” I know, right? You have to make sure to be super careful, else you might waste some! But, wait, this brings up a few questions…

First, how often is Douglas handling drugs in front of his wife and daughter? Does he bring stuff home from work in order to “better his understanding of the effects?” What other stuff is bringing home from the evidence locker? I know police officers don’t make much, is he, perhaps, making some extra revenue selling leftover “evidence” to the neighbors?

My second question is, “If Emma couldn’t handle the drugs or the dogs and her dad did everything from design the experiment to hiding the drugs to releasing the hounds of hell…what exactly did Emma do?” Isn’t it safe to say that all Emma did was watch the dogs find the drugs? Is that enough to count as a science project? I used to watch NASCAR, but that doesn’t make me a race-car driver.

Well, at Coral Gables Preparatory Academy, it is not only enough to count – it is enough to win 1st place. Take that, rich kids! If only your parents had let you take their cocaine to school, you could have won too!

School spokesperson, John Schuster, even confirmed that when he told reporters that “while this was an unusual experiment, cocaine is not a banned substance on campus.”

That’s right – cocaine isn’t banned. A school should never be thought of as a drug free workplace because instructors need to be high as hell in order to deal with all those whiny, entitled little bastards! Hell, I can’t say that I blame them – I almost need a hit just hearing this!


This Is SO Alien To Me

Folks..what will you be doing when the world ends? If the Mayans are right and the sun sets for the final time on December 21st, 2012, will you spend those last moments huddled up with people you love? And (still assuming they are correct) knowing the end is coming, what will you do to prepare?

If you are one of the New Age hippies flocking to the Pic de Bugarach, you’ll spend these last days rock climbing – naked.

Because let’s face it, the world is surely coming to an end. We know this because everyone, from Jesus to that crazy homeless guy who asked you for quarters, has been telling us this! Because there are signs everywhere! They are in all shapes, sizes, and colors – I like the new one for Starbucks!

Which brings us back to the hippies…See Pic de Bugarach, the upside-down mountain, is the supposed inspiration for Jules Verne’s Journey to the Center of the Earth. But instead of finding dinosaurs and proto-humans, the mountain is actually a garage. For space people. From galaxies far, far away. Who will be returning to rescue their faithful on – you guessed it: December 21st, 2012!

So, now over 20,000 hippies have invaded this town of only 200 people – which has the local residents up in arms! Sure, the smell of marijuana drifting down the mountain isn’t so bad, and neither are the sweet campfire songs about love and peace, and sure they are boosting the local economy…but when a resident accidentally stumbles across 20,000 naked hikers – well, those people need to go!

Add some accusations of strange rituals to the naked mountain treks and the only sign you have is that your new neighbors are part of a cult. Of course, the mountain has always drawn strange people. Steven Spielberg supposedly went there and came away with the idea for “Close Encounters of the Third Kind.” Hippies have  flocked to the mountain since the 1960’s because it “emits strange magic rays.”

The mountain is unusual because the top of the mountain is actually older than the base. Scientists think this is because a volcano erupted under it and sent the peak flying into the air and when it landed: it did so upside down. The Hippies say this is rubbish and the reason beyond the geological discrepancy is because a race of super aliens used older rocks on the top. I guess those kinds of conclusions require a scientific method that has the control group hitting acid.

Their alien masters are supposedly asleep inside the mountain. I guess they must have told the Mayans when they planned to set their alarm, because the Hippies believe the aliens will wake up on December 21 and gather all of their “children” into their spacecraft. I have read enough science fiction to know that when aliens gather people up, it isn’t to save them from themselves – it’s to save them for dinner! It’s called stocking up your larder! I say we prepare for an invasion of Purple Space Bears from Uranus!

The mayor, Jean-Pierre Delord, has requested help from the French army  (whether it is because he feels riots will take place when the world is still here on December 22nd or he fears a mass suicide) is unknown.

He is quoted as saying, “After this over, I think we will throw a big party with wine and cheese.”

Maybe that is the right idea…after all, it’s not uncommon to see naked people dancing once you introduce alcohol to the equation.

Malibu Barbie & Optional Meth Lab Accessories

If you were an alleged drug lord (who also happened to be a swim suit model for Ed Hardy Bikinis) that needed to skip bail, where would you go? If you are accused drug lord, Simone Farrow, you go to the beach – in Australia.

The former bikini model, Penthouse girl, and three time ‘winner’ of FHM magazine’s Sexiest Women In The World was first arrested in Aussie-land in October of 2009. This arrest happened after she fled there when the DEA raided her apartment! The DEA found plenty of drugs and other evidence to link Simone to a major drug cartel that shipped meth to various places around the world. Simone thought she was untraceable, because instead of using drug ‘mules’ who could ‘rat’ you out, she used the US Postal Service and FedEX.

Maybe she got caught because one of her buyers couldn’t afford the C.O.D charge and they just returned her meth back to sender! Regardless, Simone stood accused of using 19 different aliases to ship out crystal meth inside of packages of bath salts. I guess that ordering bath salts is code for “ship me some methamphetamine’s” online!

Farrow maintains that she is innocent of the charges and claims the only reason she skipped out on bail back in February was because she felt her life was in danger. She claims that she has been in “relationships with numerous underworld figures or whatever you want to call them and I feel that maybe they feel threatened by my situation.”

I, personally, love those movies…I wonder if she dated Kate Beckinsale? What am I thinking, it’s not like vampires would ever deal crystal meth! Maybe she dated one of the Lycans – they seem like degenerate crack heads, right?

Farrow was picked up from the cheap beach hotel she was living in. Her website claims she is an aspiring singer/songwriter as well as a potential reality show star! They could name her show “Meth&bikinis” or “Dependable Solutions To Your Meth Shipping Needs.”

Australian police believe that behind her high-society lifestyle was a scared, broke little girl trying to find a way to keep up her former way of life. The 37-year-old, possibly unable to find any work beyond her bikini spreads, may have simply needed the money. And everyone knows that drug dealer is a better alternative than becoming one of “Hugh’s girls.”

Investigators also believe that she was the brains behind a 7 person criminal enterprise. I guess finding 7 people dumb enough to follow a super models advice on dealing meth is as enterprising as it gets. How do you think she convinced them? Was she like “Yeah, like this one time, I did a nude spread in Columbia, and I, like, totally knew I could sell coke. And coke is, you know, like, expensive and junk, so this will be easier!”

Wonder if Mattel is looking at her to use as the inspiration for a new Malibu Barbie? Think about Mattel! You could make a fortune on the accessories alone!