And Unto Your Commandments I Give You One Other, Blow S*%$ Up!


     Folks, I am a happy man. Happy because I know that when Jesus comes back, he will be coming back for me and he will be covered in blood – like the psycho from the Saw movies…

This was the claim made last fall at the WallBuilders’ Pro-Family Legislators Conference by Lt. General Jerry Boykin of the Family Research Council. Boykin also told his audience that Jesus will come back carrying an AR-15.

That’s right America, Boykin doesn’t buy into that liberal crap that claims Jesus was a hippie who instructed humanity to turn the other cheek. He knows that the real Jesus was a “manly man” who wouldn’t hesitate to bust a few caps on his neighbors. After all, Jesus said turn “your weapons into plowshares,” that way he wouldn’t have any resistance when he decides to kill us all.

That’s why we have the 2nd Amendment! Or at least that’s why Boykin says we have it. The bible clearly instructs us to place the biggest sword available to us in our personal armories, and today that sword is a military grade assault rifle! The founding fathers knew this too, which is why they added a note to the 2nd Amendment that says, “Machine Guns F*** YEAH!”

Boykin knows that the inspiration for that Amendment, as well as the entire Constitution, is biblical – that little clause about separating church and state was Satanist lies inserted by that Atheist bastard, Franklin. After all, there is a reason he was never President (besides the fact that he never actually ran), and that reason was spent too much time reading and not enough time blowing shit up.

     I’m with you Boykin, American families don’t need better job security, higher wages so they can eat and pay bills, health insurance, or more education opportunities for their children so they can find some means of social mobility; no American’s need gun-toting, bloody Jesus to help usher in a Golden Age of Peace…a Golden Age that can only begin after brutally slaying anyone who may disagree with sane members of society like Boykin. That’s why I totally agree with his advice that good Christians can prove their loyalty to God by purchasing as many of these weapons as they can!

     But I don’t think you are thinking long-term enough. After all, if all good Christians get AR-15s, won’t those communist atheists buy rocket-propelled grenades? Why not encourage the good people of America, i.e. Christians, to start buying land mines and tanks. And after the godless commies buy similar items, encourage them to buy weapons grade plutonium so we can start building homemade nukes! After all, we can only be closer to God by sending each other to meet him in the fastest ways possible.

I mean, how else could you ever be expected to love your neighbor without first knowing you could take him out during the zombie apocalypse. Besides, ammunition is expensive! And the fact that you are willing to shoot them to begin with is the real definition of love!

Folks, Jesus never wanted humanity to become a pacifist species. Otherwise he would have made sure that his biographers wrote extensively about his views on love and peace.