Why Should You Get to Play with My Balls?

     Folks, I am worried for the future of America. We all know that the only things we have going for us as a nation are our competitive sports, especially football. I mean, who doesn’t love watching grown men hug each other and roll around on the ground in an effort to make sure the right person gets the balls?

Well, folks, all of that is in danger now! On Sunday, a former defensive end for Missouri who was considered one of the best players of 2013, Michael Sam, announced that he was gay. Sam is considered to be one of the top draft picks – we cannot allow this to happen!

     America, football is sacred. There is nothing ‘gay’ about it. I mean, what is more masculine than a bunch of dudes in hot pants bending over in front of each in order to pass a ball between their legs? Or how about the masculine, pro-hetero tradition of showering together? If we let gay men on the team, how will we know that congratulatory slap on the ass for a play well-done doesn’t have ulterior motives?

Think about it – football doesn’t need controversy! It has a reputation for hiring men who are above reproach, like: OJ Simpson, Michael Vick, Benjamin Roethlis-howeveryouspellhisname, that one guy from the Giants who shot himself in the leg, or that guy from Cleveland who assaulted a member of law enforcement at the Ft. Lauderdale airport.

Those guys are model citizens! We can’t risk bringing a player onboard who could demoralize and stigmatize the entire League! By having an openly gay player, you risk the world finding out that gay men are capable of doing the exact same things as straight men! If Sam continued to play as well for the pros as he did in college, then the NFL could be forced to hire more gay men to play the game. This would be a travesty because gay men have a reputation for being pro-feminist, compassionate, anti-misogynist, and friendly people – there is no room for any of that in professional football!

Sports are supposed to be angry and violent! Allowing happy people to play risks diluting it and then before you know it, all we are watching is a contact sport that consists of playful slapping and random giggles – kind of like the Lingerie League…wait, the Lingerie League is amazing to watch..is it getting hot in here?

But I digress, the worst part is, if more gay men are playing football, then more gay men may start watching football. This might mean male cheerleaders in skimpy outfits shouting for to the crowd that they “are going to take it to the end.” That is horrifying, right?

To top it all off, other players don’t want it! I mean, this isn’t the Flintstones – no one wants to “have a gay ‘ole time.” Remember when Chris Culliver of the 49ers said, he “wouldn’t play with a gay teammate?” That’s because he would rather get his rocks off with his straight buddies who don’t openly show that they enjoy it! Plus, look at how Sam’s college peers reacted in August of last year to his announcement to them that he was gay, they went on to be 12-2 for the season. They were so demoralized that they lost two games!

America, we have to stop this now. First it was military service, then it was marriage…and before long, the LGBT community will expect the equal rights they should have had along! And then, who knows what will happen? Will women will demand to have equal rights, too? And will we wake up to find that they are playing in the NFL!

After all, this is America…if we wanted everyone to be treated the same regardless of race, creed, sexuality, or religion…we would move to Canada.

Re-Maine High, and Ye Deserve to Die

Folks, I realize that one of the biggest thrills in life is having a rampant heroin addiction. But the fact is if you jump on the horse, you should be willing to pay the piper. Luckily for us all, Republican Governor Paul Lepage of Maine agrees with me. He is pushing for legislation that will end access to lifesaving anti-overdose medications because he knows that having access to such medications will only increase your dependency on drugs. I mean, right now in Maine, shooting up heroin is like playing Russian Roulette with an empty gun – there is no risk! But, if this legislation passes it will be just like playing it an AR-15 with a fully loaded 100 round drum – and isn’t that the way it should be?

     The controversy stems from a bill sponsored by Democrat Sara Gideon. Sara is proposing that police officers, EMTs, firefighters, at-risk users, and those users families be given a lifesaving drug called Narcan. This bill has come about in response to the rising number of overdoses in the state of Maine – the number of fatal heroin overdoses quadrupled from 2011 to 2012. LePage remarked that he would never allow such a bill to pass, and that the state assembly should restrict access to such medications since it will lead drug addicts to think they are “invincible.” I’m sure that being invincible is exactly the thought that passes through the mind of a person dying from a drug overdose.

Face it, Lepage is making the right choice. You can tell that, right? I mean look at the guy! Isn’t that the face of a man you can trust?

He understands that anyone taking illegal drugs deserves whatever happens. This isn’t a video game – you don’t get an extra life when you chomp down on a magic mushroom! You want to smoke some of that flower power, you better be prepared to get burned! If you’re injecting plasmids expecting to get electricity powers, you best be ready to fry!

So what if public health officials laugh and scoff at LePage’s claims! Sure, they claim there is no evidence to support LePage’s statements, but when do republicans need evidence? We make our decisions based on our gut or our own twisted interpretations of the bible – like how Jesus said **** the poor!

Author’s Note:  According to the Center for Disease Control (CDC), most heroin users are middle-aged men and women from conservative states – this is based on a publication from the CDC in 2010, West Virginia had the highest rate of accidental heroin overdose in the nation, while California and New York had the lowest.

Besides, it isn’t the state’s responsibility to see to the welfare of citizens who are most likely to die from these overdoses.  LePage knows that anyone using illegal drugs in a conservative state must be some “hippie libtard” and if they are allowed to survive, they may actually vote! And we can’t have that because these guys may demand compassion and respect from their elected officials!

     This isn’t the first time that LePage has vetoed legislation in order to take a hard stance on drug use. In his three years as governor, he has consistently cut funding to drug rehab programs, and last year he vetoed legislation that would prevent prosecution of someone notifying police of a drug overdose if they were also under the influence. He even tried to ban Funyuns!

     LePage has even changed the way officers are compensated! On Monday, two Maine State Troopers claimed that their pay had been frozen, and that they were forced to collect roadkill in order to feed their family. This is what republicans call incentivizing! If police officers want to get paid so they can provide for their families, then they better get all the drugs off the streets – otherwise, it’s raccoon and opossum again for supper!

     America, the best way to ensure taxpayer money is not wasted on frivolous expenses is to get the taxpayers wasted and then waste them! That way there is no one left to complain about how their money is spent! Instead of social programs to protect the poorest and most disenfranchised Americans from capitalism, we should let them be evicted and die starving in the streets begging the wealthy for table scraps…After all, that model worked really well for Marie Antoinette and Louis XVI.

The Problem with Immigration – the Fact that Everything Is Going Down the Toilet

Folks, I don’t know about you, but I love knowing that the Republican Party is working to make a more inclusive America. Just today, Arizona state Representative Carl Seel introduced legislation to bond people on the basis of race and ethnicity. His bill, House Bill 2192, would require all undocumented immigrants to go to jail if they use a public restroom. Folks, I am in complete agreement with this piece of legislation – after all, only an American citizen has the right to take a crap on American soil!

Folks, we have a responsibility to protect our borders and reduce the costs that states and the federal government incur because of undocumented aliens – just think about how much money the country spent trying prove the Tanners were secretly harboring an ALF named Gordon! The burden to the taxpayer must have been tremendous! Seel knows that the most effective way to reduce that taxpayer burden is to increase the burden on taxpayers.

Think about it, we can use taxpayer money to hire bathroom attendants. That’s the genius of this bill – it’s a job creator!  This means instead of using that money to train, educate, and improve the living conditions of thousands of Arizona residents, we can use the money to turn public restrooms into private clubs – if you aren’t on the list, you aren’t getting (to) crap!

Honestly, I can’t see any downsides to passing this law. So what if it this will mean that every time you use the facilities, there will be someone standing at the door to check your ID – which in this case would require a birth certificate or a visa, at least there will always be someone there who can hand you toilet paper if the stall is out!

So, yes, you would be required to prove you are a citizen…Or it would require you to look like an American citizen. Folks, here are seven easy ways to ensure that the bathroom police never ask to see your driver’s license:

  1. Be white. This is the easiest way to avoid being asked for identification proving you are an American citizen. If you are white, it is just assumed that you belong here. I should know since I am an illegal alien from Namibia and I’ve never been threatened with deportation!
  2. Learn to speak English American. Sure, it sounds similar to the language I scratched out, but they are completely different. Never use any other language on our soil – we don’t care if you were here first – I’m looking at you, Native Americans who were here thousands of years before anyone else, and I’m looking at you, the Spanish, who came here almost 100 years before the English.
  3. Also, we live in ‘Murica, not America. If you call it America, then we know you don’t belong here. Also, you should grunt a lot, and talk about how people are “always stealing your jobs.” If anyone ever asks which jobs are those, just shrug. That’s because that is a trick question since every ‘Murican knows that the only jobs being stolen are the really shitty ones that no one wanted anyway and this complaint is just to get attention.
  4. Learn everything about NASCAR – this isn’t that hard since all they do is make left turns for 5 hours! Real ‘Muricans, especially those in Arizona, aren’t smart enough to get involved in stimulating debates on global climate change or the stratification of wealth based on intersections of social class, gender, and race. Instead, talk about how Dale Earnhardt got a bum deal and if he hadn’t died in that car wreck, he would still be king.
  5. Listen to Country Music. Sure, it’s sad, depressing, and makes me want to shove pencils in my ears so that I don’t have to listen to Billy Ray Cyrus anymore, but no one questions where I belong! Also, this can lead to bonding with that toothless, old guy who hangs out at the local bar waving his guns around while blaming Obama  for everything. Which brings me to my next two points…
  6. Get some guns and wave them around. Nothing says ‘Murican, like being a responsible gun owner who is ready at a moments notice to shoot up a guy who is shooting up a school, kill a guy for sending a text message in a movie theater, or murder an unarmed teenager for jaywalking in an all white neighborhood. You also need guns so that you can wave them in the face of people who want to limit your ability to do any of those aforementioned things by passing common sense gun legislation.
  7. You need to blame Obama for everything. Snow in Florida and heat wave in Alaska, it’s Obama’s fault. Have to pay taxes, it’s Obama’s fault. The local convenience store is out of Whatchamacallits – damn you Obama! After all, none of those things ever occurred while a white man was President.

With all the problems facing our nation (poverty, homelessness, child abuse, lack of jobs, an inability of Congress to do anything besides argue), I feel much better knowing the direction the Republican Party is taking me…

After all, I have always wanted to live in the Dark Ages…

You Call This Pillow Talk?

Folks, anyone who says research is boring isn’t doing it right or is doing it alone. It’s like sex – it’s best enjoyed when it involves more than one person and when it veers off into ‘freaky’ territory.

America, I cannot stress how important it is when researching to be a part of a group! It allows you to bond, to laugh, and to get to know things about each other that only your therapist was previously aware of.

Just today, my friend and colleague, Jesse, invited everyone over to her house to work on a project of sociological importance. We were a varied bunch: there was me, Jesse, Trevor, Lacey, Kirby, Allie, and Peter. Allie and Peter are both undergraduate research assistants assigned to Jesse as minions (this part is very important and integral in the story to follow).

    The afternoon began with everyone taking a test that I had designed which measures a person’s bias towards women. While Lacey and I scored neutrally, everyone else tended to show a little bias in favor of one gender or the other – except Jesse, who values women as much as Aristotle. Now that I consider it, I think her test results completely justify her love for the Twilight series! For those of you who haven’t read the books or seen the movies, this is the really shitty story of an old man, and a teenage girl who is completely incapable of doing anything without his permission and support.

But that was only the beginning of the revelations I would learn that evening…

Peter is a shy, quiet, young man. Until this point, I barely knew he was there. But for some reason, Peter decided to share his innermost thoughts with the group. Normally, I would discourage this behavior because of the fact that I just don’t care; however, Peter’s revelations were so awe-inspiring that I was afraid to interrupt his outpouring of emotional baggage.

Peter began with a story about the time he tried to suffocate his younger brother with a pillow. He smiled serenely as he stated, “I knew this would stop him from crying.” I shuddered in terror with joy as he laughed about how his brother is much quieter these days.

    As we all laughed awkwardly, Peter shifted gears and began telling us about the time he stalked a girl through a parking lot. He “claims” he was on the phone and following her around by accident. I’m sure she believed him – considering he was only wearing a trench coat at the time.

I mean, I’ve ‘accidentally’ followed women before…until the restraining order and then I was told I couldn’t, so I can relate! Well, almost relate anyway – after all, I was dressed when I did it!

But folks, the best story was when Peter stole his teacher’s hair so that he could complete a voodoo doll that he had made of her! I mean, who hasn’t broken into their teacher’s homes in order to swipe locks of hair or semen from a favorite teacher? I know I sure haven’t! Peter made his doll from felt that he stapled together so it resembled a crude facsimile of a human being. After he slammed the dolls legs inside of the pages of his textbook, his teacher found herself paralyzed and has never been seen by anyone other than Peter again.

Petey also had some advice on dealing with pets. He knows that eventually our pets will pass on to the great beyond and then all you are left with is a mummified squirrel corpse, and what can you do with that? I mean other than tie a noose around its desiccated neck and fling it around like a lasso.

Pete had several ideas of what to do with them actually:

  1. Stuff and mount their heads on the wall. He said he learned this from his grandparents. Nothing shows your love for Fido like looking at its decapitated head as it leers at you every night. He also says he laughed maniacally when they died, but that is a different story!
  2. Skin them and make them into articles of clothing. This way you can always remain close to your favorite kitten. Besides, we already do this to make bunny slippers, so this isn’t that far removed – he notes that skinning people would be bad though because no one would look good in a multi-colored human skin suit. He really recommends a pair of gloves made from dog’s ears – says they are really soft! Allie agrees that these make the best gifts!
  3. Burn them into ash! Pete notes that a crematorium will perform this service for half off if you start the job first! (Allie took the time to jot this down for future reference).
  4. Grind the bones into powder and convince the roommate that you like least that it is protein powder (technically, it probably is, so this is only a white lie.)

If you thought this advice was great you should hear his opinions on using child porn to blackmail bullies and how to inspire feelings of awkwardness when hugging a stranger! In fact, he claims he knows a sure fire way to make every hug with people dressed as the cast of the Lion King memorable!

Speaking of roommates that you don’t like…Petey hypnotically conditioned one of his former roommates to count loudly to 60 in his sleep each time he heard a door close – all because he accidentally broke a light bulb while he was in a drunken stupor.

    Pete concluded share time with a cute little anecdote of how he skipped out on his girlfriend’s birthday party. Apparently, no one showed up, and he didn’t bother to tell her that he would not be there either. Hilarity ensued – followed by her stabbing him in the leg! When I mentioned that I wasn’t surprised that he had attracted a violent, crazy person for a partner, he exclaimed that he was surprised because she was a mormon!

    Maybe I should have suggested that Jesse loan him her copies of Twilight, but instead I think I will just wish her (Jesse) well… After all, with two research assistants on loan from Bates Motel, she is going to need as much positive energy as she can get to ensure she survives the semester…

The War on Whitey

        Folks, there is a cultural war being waged in our society that threatens to undermine everything we stand for as Americans. No, I am not referring to the factually known war on our beloved Christmas. I am in fact referring to the war against white people.

        It all started with Miley Cyrus. When this symbol of white innocence launched her latest videos, she was attacked for trying to “co-opt black culture.” Didn’t critics claim the same thing about Elvis when he invented Rock ‘n Roll? Personally, I love ‘twerking’ as much as the next guy! You should see it, my large ass shakes so much, it resembles a massive earthquake in a densely populated area – in other words, the results aren’t pretty and those closest to me are likely to get hurt!

        Now minorities and liberals want to attack us for stealing their cultures and traditions that we invented. But folks, stealing other people’s traditions and cultures and then claiming that they were ours all along is what white people do best! After all, what would Christmas be like if we didn’t steal the ideas of decorating trees, giving each other gifts, singing carols, and trying to make out with the hot girl from accounting under the mistletoe? A lot more boring and reverent, that’s what! I mean, if you take away all the cool things about Christmas that we stole from other religions, all you would have left is a mandatory day of prayer, and who wants that? Not me, that’s for sure.

        The fact is that being white is great, and being around white people constantly is even better. If this wasn’t true then why do we only teach the accomplishments of white people in history class? Sure the Native’s kept us alive our first year, but after that they only stood in the way of progress and white people had to clear them out in order to make room for even more greatness. And every white person knows that slavery was a dark period in our nation’s history, but it wasn’t really that bad for most of them.

        That’s why I am ashamed of the liberal media for attacking poor Phil Robertson from Duck Dynasty just because he said that “black people were happier before the Civil War.” He should know, he was there. He’s just telling you how much his former slaves looked forward to being tied to a fence post and beaten for hours on end. Everyone knows that if you really want to take the weight off, you should get yourself flayed within an inch of your life.

        Sure, he also made some offhand comments about homosexuality and how the “gays were gonna burn in hell for all eternity,” but that’s because white people co-opted the bible too. I mean have you read that thing? It says we can’t eat shellfish or bacon – that’s barbaric! So, naturally, we ignore the parts that we don’t like and instead focus on the parts that we do – even if those parts are only one chapter apart from each other!

        And Phil isn’t the only white person to be attacked by the media recently. Megyn Kelly from Fox News was ridiculed when she pointed out the fact that Santa Claus and Jesus were both caucasian. Look, it’s just true, okay? Everyone knows that Jesus was a blonde haired, blue-eyed Jew living in a Middle Eastern country full of brown people. And the real Santa is a fictional character based on a darker-skinned guy from Turkey, but if we used his actual likeness, people in Georgia may shoot him for breaking and entering. After all, if a white guy comes into your house with a huge sack in the middle of the night, no one is going to worry that he will burglarize your home or rape your women.

      Liberals are going so far as to insist that white people get special privileges just for being white. They claim things like “white people don’t get followed around stores by security” or “don’t get pulled over just because they are white.” Well, I say that is a bunch of bull. After all, anyone can have the same treatment, so long as they lighten their skin, straighten their hair, dress like mainstream white America, and live in the same neighborhoods as the rest of us.

        Folks, we have to stop this right now before it gets out of control. Next thing you know, we will be forced to see historically accurate depictions of people like Jesus, or they will be telling us that Martin Luther King, Jr. was a black man. 

I Like The Fact That You Are Willfully Ignorant

     Folks, I applaud the Republican Party’s shutdown of the United States government! After all, if the Christian Right bring our country to its knees, isn’t that the same as saying that God destroyed America?

But it isn’t all doom and gloom, America. The Republican Party knows that most of its constituents read on a third-grade level – that’s why Ted Cruz quoted Dr. Seuss! They also know that most of you didn’t bother to finish Dr. Seuss’s masterpiece “Green Eggs and Ham” because it was way too long, and “Game of Thrones” was about to start.

     I realized the truth of this when I told a group of people to research what the Affordable Care Act actually does and they all told me that they “didn’t know what it did, and [we] didn’t care to understand it because Glenn Beck said it was bad.”

You see, the GOP knows America. Think about it like this: if Ted Cruz says “Liberals are destroying America with Obamacare,” he can get away with it because there isn’t anyone in that party who is smart enough to fact check him. Besides, Obamacare is really a Republican idea that the Democrats have actually embraced – so Republicans have to claim that they hate the thing that the actually created because they can’t afford to have their competition get the credit for improving people’s lives.

That’s why Boehner calls it socialized medicine – because he knows that term alone will make his voters hate it! This way, the Republican Party can have it repealed so that when they finally get a Republican President, they can rebrand it as Ameri-care and sell it as an original idea! It’s a genius move!

Actually anytime a Democrat tries to pass a common sense piece of legislation or a piece of legislation that may be good for the whole country, they know they have to distance themselves from it because it most likely infringes on the Constitution. Take Romney, for instance. He passed some really restrictive gun laws while he was governor, but when Democrats wanted to ensure that terrorists and crazy people can’t get guns, the Republicans claimed that they were trying to infringe on your Constitutional rights. Even now, when a Democrat tried to pass a bill that says “Congress will not get paid, so long as the shutdown is in effect,” the GOP immediately shut him up by defending the Constitution that says, “Congress gets their $174,000 a year whether you get paid or not.”

But not everything is shut down.

After all, the shutdown cannot be allowed to affect any of the members of Congress because they are all independently wealthy, and deserve to have a good time. And any parts of the shutdown that could hinder their good times are being solved with piece meal legislation.

Airline delays? Piece meal legislation so that they can fly wherever they wish.

Vacations to the National Forest while 800,000 men and women are furloughed? Piece meal legislation to reopen them.

This also makes it look like they actually care about their constituents!

In fact, they care so much that they closed the one federal employee gym that is used by non-Congress members, so that they could keep the one that is available only to them open. That’s love!

Folks, these guys know that throwing a temper tantrum is how you get what you want. After all, every time you acted out in a grocery store as a kid, your mom always gave you stuff to get you to stop…stuff like a beating in front of everyone there.

     Which brings me to my breakthrough idea for ending the shutdown: We need to fly to Washington (since there are no delays) and put each and everyone of these spoiled, entitled brats over our knee. I can provide the switches! I’m talking bare-bottom, no mercy, beat you like your grandmother did when you were a kid, spankings. This is the only way to put children back in line when they throw a temper tantrum. Sure, they may cry for a little bit. Or whine that so and so deserves it, but they don’t. We just need to ignore all that posturing, and do what is best for America by whipping them into shape.

 

One Ring to Sicken Them All

     Folks, we are in danger! Well, not all of us, only us straight people who do not yet have AIDS. Apparently, gay people are using special magic rings to infect disease-free straight people with the deadly virus in its full-blown form. At least, that is the accusation that was made by Christian All-Star, Pat Robertson, on Tuesday night’s episode of The 700 Club.

“They wear these rings that cut you and infect you with AIDS,” Pat Robertson said in a fearful voice.

Folks, we have to beware of ring wearing homosexuals because those rings are actually a ploy by that sinful community to pass along a dreaded virus that they must obviously have! Because why else would a gay person wear hand jewelry?

     But, folks, there is a conspiracy to keep this truth away from us! The Christian Broadcasting Network (CBN) forced YouTube to remove the clip in which Robertson made the prophetic comment. Sure, they claimed that they only asked it be taken down because Pat Robertson is clearly off his meds, but wouldn’t being off his meds make him think more clearly?

And yes, Robertson was only referring to the gay people who live in San Francisco in his comment, but how long will it be before it’s a common practice everywhere else? I think the obvious solution is to cut off every gay person’s fingers so that they will be unable to shake your hand!

But maybe I am acting rashly, after all in an interview a day later with The Atlantic, Robertson apologized and claimed that his comment had been taken out of context. That’s because we all know that claiming that gay people want to deliberately infect straight people with AIDS can be taken in many different ways – and not all of them are bad.

     I also have to wonder, how many of the “magic rings” has Robertson found? Tolkien led me to believe that there was only one “evil” ring. Hey, I may be onto something. Perhaps, Robertson was just trying to warn that Bilbo guy about the potential dangers of accepting jewelry from a creepy, thin, sick-looking cave-dweller!

Folks, this isn’t the first time that Robertson has attempted to guide us to greater truths – back in September of 2012, he told a viewer that “he should switch to Islam, so that he can beat his wife and keep her in line.” That is pretty progressive! How many other Christian talk-show hosts do that?

This man is a “man of God” and “peace.” Everything that he says and does, is in the spirit of Jesus’ message. That’s why a few years ago he called on the United States to nuke Hugo Chavez and the rest of Venezuela back to the Stone Age! He knew that when Jesus said “simplify your life for God” the fastest way to do that is through a nuclear winter.

     Folks, regardless of how impossible this is, we have to be on guard for such a device. It is a well-known fact that the homosexual community want to destroy everything hetero! Look at the institution of marriage! These magic rings are meant to cull the herd, so that there will be fewer people around to oppose gay marriage. And no God-fearing straight person should abide by that! After all, the word “gay” means “happy,” and the last place anyone wants any gayness happiness is the institution of marriage.

This sacred institution should be limited to those who only have the strongest of commitments to each other – like the one between Britney Spears and Jason Alexander! They fulfilled every one of God’s covenants in only 55 hours.

     Marriage is also fashionable and we all know that homosexuals love fashion. So, maybe the homosexual community would be less inclined to enter this institution if it were less like the directions on a bottle of Pantene. Here me out, people like Robertson know that marriage is also an institution that should only exist between one man and one woman…until that man tires of that woman and wants to divorce her and get another “one” woman…after that, he can rinse and repeat as needed.

But, we all know that gays will destroy marriage by bringing long, monogamous, commitments to the table, and who wants that? We need to band together and raise our hands against this threat. Then, we have to let our voices ring out with the truth of our convictions.

     After all, the only way we will be able to keep our fears strong will be to draw a circle in the sand – that way we can argue infinitely about things that don’t actually matter…

Odds Are, This Won’t Be Favored By Many

     Folks, I love competition – especially competition between young children fighting each other to the death. That is why I applaud Jared D’Alessio on his decision to open a Hunger Games inspired summer camp in Largo, Florida. He was just wanting to share the joy that comes from stabbing an opponent to death with all the little children everywhere.

For those that haven’t read the books and somehow missed out on the amazing movie that followed them, the Hunger Games chronicles the story of a young woman named Katniss Everdeen as she murders fellow young people in increasingly violent way in order to win extra food for her district (village). What could possibly go wrong by inviting 26 children to a summer camp that is based on that scenario?

Kids showed up at the camp with swimsuits and suntan lotion and they quickly made friends. One little girl, Rylee age 12, told another girl, 12-year-old Julianna, that she would “hate to have to kill her because they were friends.” Julianna affirmed her friendship by smiling, patting Rylee on the shoulder, and saying, “Oh I will definitely kill you first. I might stab you.” Don’t kids just say the darndest things?

     Oh, to have been able to be a part of it all! The first day of the camp was all about crafting. The girls, for instance, crafted sparkly posters with light-hearted messages such as: “LOSING MEANS CERTAIN DEATH” and “WHEN IN DOUBT, GO FOR THE EYES.” Then all the kids got to craft their weapons of war with some musing over how they would kill their opponents and others musing over how they would rather die themselves.

One little boy, Joey, expressed that he would “rather be shot by an arrow, than be stabbed by a sword.” Another little boy, 14-year-old Sydney, was excited to get started and was asking everyone, “What do we get to do first? Are we killing each other first?”

    The week long camped spent the first several days readying the children for their “battle royale” that would take place on a Friday. The kids would be taught to show each other no mercy…until one of the camp counselors became a little freaked out over how violent the children were acting causing her to change the rules of the game. Lindsey Gillette, head counselor, told the kids that “we won’t be killing each other in the tournament anymore, instead you will be collecting lives.”

Oh come on Lindsey, you can’t try to stem the tide of violence being perpetrated by children who are attending a summer camp based on a series of novels about violence and children – that is unAmerican! If they try to play nice, they might end up with the “odds not in their favor.” Like the poor 11-year-old who was curb-stomped during the actual tournament! He was found lying in the grass crying after “several boys viciously stepped on him.” He should have just manned up and died like a good little competitor.

     The fact is violence is part of human nature. So, it’s probably best to go ahead and bring it out in children by allowing them to take part in events that further glorify that behavior. This way, when they become adults, they will feel less guilty about killing someone who wears orange shirts. Kids have to be taught that it’s okay to savagely beat each other to death so long as it’s just a game. This means trophies for the person who slaughters the best.

Eli, another little boy competitor, got it. He bragged about being a sniper in a tree and taking out a small blond child who was hiding in fear because that is the only sane response to a bat-shit crazy situation. But, sanity has no place in summer camps, which is why Eli took Liam’s bucket head clean off.

     Besides, these type of events also teach kids the value of making the right business alliances. One like boy, Andre, learned the hard way that picking the wrong friends can be the death of you when he was betrayed by a group of little girls who stabbed him viciously the second he turned his back on them! That should be called Intro to Corporate Culture 101! After all, it’s a dog eat dog world out there, and corporate America demands that you climb over the corpses of those who stand in your

Folks, we need to embrace this cultural phenomenon. If we had more of these gladiator fight-to-the-death-style events, we wouldn’t need violent video-games to teach kids how the world really works.

Where the Lord Tweeted, I Followed

   Folks, I am a big fan of technology. I like gadgets and gizmo’s. I enjoy social media and the Internet. And I know I am not the only one. I think it would be safe to argue that even the big guy upstairs has a Facebook and Twitter account! But even if the Magic Man on the Mountain isn’t seeking followers on Twitter and Facebook, the Catholic Church is.

Recently, the Catholic Church has promised to give Indulgences in the form of time off from Purgatory for good behavior – or specifically behaviors like “following the Pope on Twitter” and “retweeting his tweets.” People this is revolutionary, now you don’t even have to go to church to seek repentance – you can just shoot a message to the Pope (so long as it is less than 140 characters) that asks him to forgive your late night orgy with those three dudes and that pasta salad (Don’t judge, the salad was sinful).

   You see, Purgatory is that bad place that supposedly everyone goes to be purified. It’s like a detox center for dead people. In fact, the 29-day program they offer is so bad, that St. Augustine claimed, “it is the worst, most severe pain anyone can imagine in this life.” Okay, maybe Augie was being a bit melodramatic with that statement, after all, I have sat through a Barney and Friends marathon once because I couldn’t find the remote.

 But, if Purgatory is even half as bad as Augie claims, then shouldn’t I follow Francis just to be safe? After all, I am following Domino’s Pizza just in case they offer ‘Twitter-only’ coupons. Besides, the selling of Indulgences isn’t anything new. The Catholic Church used to sell dead animal parts and pieces of soiled clothing to people all the time and claim it was an ancient artifact linked directly to the Christ and the Apostles. The Church also has a long history of making up new rules on earth that somehow apply in Heaven. That’s how tight the Pope is with the Big Guy! He can change the rules at a moment’s notice and apparently it is considered all good!

I mean, don’t you wish that worked in the real world? Imagine being charged with a crime and being able to tell the judge that you decided that society would function better if you were always naked, so you changed the statute that regulates public decency in your journal at home. Wouldn’t it be great if the court just shrugged its shoulders and said, “well, they made the changes at home, so, I guess it’s cool.”

   This is not the only way to earn time off Indulgences though America! If you don’t have access to the Internet, you can always attend the upcoming World Youth Day in Brazil…of course this should be renamed World Youth week since it starts on the 23rd and doesn’t actually end until the 28th, but the Church still believes that the world  was created in several literal days so you can’t expect them to have a clear grasp of time! Maybe this is why the Pope isn’t showing up until Wednesday which would be about “noon” of this “day” long event. Also I must add, if you don’t have access to the Internet, then I am pretty sure you won’t get to see this article that would have helped shave off a few minutes from your sentence of excruciating pain caused by being forced to watch Kardashian Reruns in hell.

  By jumping on the social media train, the Church is showing that they are hip and cool. The next obvious step is to put in a Starbucks and gym at each Cathedral…oh wait, all that stand up, sit down, kneel stuff is like a workout already, so I guess all they really need is some overpriced coffee and free WiFi.

Also, several other churches have already jumped on the Internet band wagon, such as: ChristianHeritageChurch.com. Just like Basil Marceaux, they have already added the dot com to their actual name. I don’t see the Pope doing that! Getting on Twitter is just the Church’s attempt to play catch-up with the rest of Christianity! After all, even the Book of Mormon is available as an online PDF complete with downloadable magic underwear!

   Besides, the idea of retweeting the Pope and earning an Indulgence is no crazier than seeking forgiveness by confessing your lusty nature to an unmarried man while the two of you are inside of what looks like a broom closet. At least through Twitter you can maintain some sense of personal space.

Folks, I wholeheartedly support this move by the Church to expand its membership because after all, everyone knows that Jesus said “Follow me…to Instagram.”

It’s Raining Steers

Folks, when I go out of this world, I want to die comfortable in my own bed. I mean, think about it, who wouldn’t want to spend their last moments relaxing peacefully in a Tempur-Pedic?

Come to think of it, I can’t think of a single circumstance that would make dying in bed unattractive…except maybe being crushed by a cow falling through your roof in the early hours of the morning when you are snuggled up supposedly safe and secure in your bed…

Joao Maria de Souza and his wife were sound asleep on the morning of July 13 in the town of Caratinga, Brazil when an 800 lb cow fell through the roof of their house – crushing Joao, and trapping him between the bovine and his bed!

The victim’s brother told the Brazilian newspaper, Hoje em Dia, “being crushed to death by a falling cow is the last way someone should expect to go out of this world.” I am not sure it should be the last way, Mr de Souza, as I am pretty sure having a whale fall through your roof is even less likely. I would put being crushed by a cow somewhere between being eaten by a walrus and drowned by a spider monkey.

But none of this answers the question, “how did a cow get on the roof of de Souza’s home?” Can they operate ladders now? Was there a contingent of para-trooping bovines? Was Chick-fil-A filming new television ad? Because think about it, a commercial depicting cows killing people for not eating chicken makes for a compelling argument!

It turns out that de Souza built his house up against a cliff. And the edge of the cliff is about even with the roof of his house. How was the cow supposed to know that de Souza’s roof wasn’t up to code?

Now I don’t want it to sound like I am insensitive to the fact that a man died, but I am… concerned that no one is reporting on what happened to the cow? Do they eat beef in Brazil? For all we know, the de Souza’s wife made a deal with McDonald’s just as soon as law enforcement left!

But this isn’t the only unusual animal story that we have had this year.

This past Friday, an Israeli man was hospitalized after a trip to the loo. The unnamed John was sitting in the john enjoying his daily constitutional when he was bitten on the penis by a snake. The snake had made a home inside of the toilet that “John” was using and didn’t appreciate what “John” was dumping.

After being checked out in a hospital, it was determined that while “John’s deposit may have been toxic, the snake most assuredly was not.”

I’m pretty sure that both parties will carry the scars from this encounter for the rest of their lives.