Trumping Up Cries of Presidential Appropriation

1376580_10151878817796749_162570700_n     Folks, last night something magical happened. The Trump campaign decided to engage potential voters by reaching across party lines. And by reaching across party lines, I mean they decided to plagiarise a speech given by Michelle Obama in 2008. The Trump campaign gets it. They understand that, at the end of the day, their entire platform consists of the Donald trumping his own horn. So, what better way to show America that they have an original plan for the future of this great nation than by using the ideas of its current sitting President.

Funny-Donald-Trump-Jokes They say that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, and who better to flatter than the man whose job you wish to take? After all, the Trump campaign recognizes that Obama is a strong, competent leader – even if Trump’s entire base refuses to acknowledge this! That’s what makes this so genius! They know that none of their base has ever actually listened to anything that our current President (or his wife) has ever said. This means that they can claim credit for every plan Obama has had since taking office! Just think, next year we can replace Obamacare with Trumpcare – it’s the same damn program, but the new, whiter name makes it more attractive!

And speaking of white standards of beauty, Trump’s wife, Melania, took full credit for writing this speech – until the backlash happened. Now suddenly, a whole team of writers are responsible for stealing Michelle Obama’s words. Donald, I thought you would learn by now that if you want to avoid embarrassment, you cannot invite the “liberal” media to any event you are taking part in. I mean they will only distort everything you say with facts, and who needs that! If your supporters wanted facts, they would be educated.

But I think the Donald will come out of this in an even better position than he went in. I mean think about it. Most people don’t actually have a problem with Obama’s views – as long as they are spoken by a white man. The Donald just needs to follow the President around, record everything he sayspiderman-meme-generator-for-the-sake-of-humanity-don-t-come-out-of-that-closet-8c7ce6s, and then speak it himself and he will be hailed a messiah by people who aren’t openly registered neo-nazis. That’s right, he is encouraging people to come out of the closet…as racists.

Folks, the proof is right there! Look at the applause that Melania received for this speech. His supporters basically gushed over every word. I think instead of criticizing his campaign for plagiarism, we should be thanking him for uniting two warring factions in DC. By using the words of Democrats, he can bring Democrats and Republicans together in a blissful utopia of ignorance and hopeful naivety – ignorance because his supporters won’t know the difference and hopefulness because his detractors will think he actually believes the things he says.

This is the kind of double-speak that Trump is known for. That’s why I am in full support of this tactic. Donald, I am speaking directly to you now, hire me as a staff writer for a ridiculous amount of money and I will scour the Internet, the archives, and popular culture to find every liberal message out there. Then I will write up the perfectly stolen speeches that will ensure everyone loves you. It’s a win-win. You can even keep talking about your wall, while simultaneously talking about tearing it down with kindness.

Face it, America – Trump is going to make plagiarism great again. In fact, why stop there? Trump could make only kinds of appropriations great again! After all, he is known for re-appropriating jobs from active duty veterans and housing from the elderly! What’s next? Hardcoimages (6)re gangster rap? The possibilities are truly endless…just like this mockery of an election cycle…

Parting Is Such Sweet Sorrow

Folks, I know it has been a long time since I sat down to share my thoughts with you. I’ll admit, I missed me too. The fact is, I haven’t had much inspiration. Let’s face it, when a presidential candidate can insult an entire race of people, disparage former war heroes and all POWs, hand out the cell phone numbers of his rivals, and still be the most popular candidate in his party because he is a business man who would be “great” for the economy despite having filed bankruptcy more times than I like to hit up the sesame chicken at the all-you-can-eat buffet, well it is safe to assume that the world has lost its collective mind. How can I make that more absurd than it already is?

     Besides, inspiration is a funny thing. One day you think you have found it, and it is everything that you have ever wanted in your life, and the next it is wanting to see other people. We just met! You can’t be tired of me already? Sure that person wants to talk about hilarious autocorrect fails and I just want to discuss plastic surgery that involves injecting concrete in your ass, but I thought we could work something out! I can branch out and be more flexible! I’m willing to experiment: maybe we can also talk about stalkers and potato salad!

All I am asking is for you to stick around long enough to see if there is chemistry – who knows, you may find that you like it! We don’t have to label it – we can just let it happen!

     But sadly folks, inspiration is not beholden to me. Like the leftovers from Thanksgiving, it has moved on to warmer, less fatty fare, while I linger in improperly sealed Tupperware containers in the fridge.

Folks, I guess what I am saying is, this might as well be the last entry of Sympathy For The Devil. I had a great run. I brought these weird little stories to you, sometimes you even laughed at them. I am touched and grateful for all of your support through these 5 years. 5 years, 300 posts, and nearly 73,000 views. I mean, that may not be a lot, but it seems like a lot to me, which is flattering. You have been a great audience.

So, as I close out this blog, I wanted to mention, in no particular order, some of my favorite moments.

1. Pastor Eric Dammann believes that the best way to bring people to Jesus is to beat the shit out of them. After all, Dammann knows that when Jesus said “lay down your plowshares and turn the other cheek,” what he really meant was get your hands dirty and hit them so hard that they turn away from you. From here.

2. Basil Marceaux is the world’s greatest politician. He’s been arrested numerous times for trying to make the flag “fly right” and lost more races than a three-legged greyhound. He wants to “immune” all his supporters from all crime and charge people for not packing heat. Click here for more Basil.

3. Levi’s Jeans knows what men want – to cross dress! That’s why they have fashioned a new style that is stolen straight from her closet – the Ex-Girlfriend Jean! For more info, click here.

4. You can find anything on Craig’s List. Looking for someone to watch Harry Potter with while naked, it’s there! Click here to see what else I have found.

5. Being beautiful hurts…especially when you have to fix your face with tire sealant… Click here to get the concrete out of your ass!

6. Flying to Vegas would be a sin, so I’m just gonna take this plane to Jesus! Click here to catch your flight!

7. Did you know that I’m a poet? Well, not really, but once I won a no-prize for limericks! Click here to read and watch that train-wreck!

Well, there you go – seven of my favorites. I hope that you have enjoyed the ride as much as I have.

Bitch-Slapping For Jesus!

     Folks, if you are anything like me, teenagers just make you so mad! I mean: they talk back, they are lazy, and worse, they are disrespectful to the lord. And by lord, I must assume they mean Calvert – you don’t mix whiskey that good with Mountain Dew, you sip it over ice!

But while I may mean Lord Calvert when I speak of the lord, some people use that title to address someone else. People like Pastor Eric Dammann who believes that anyone who disrespects his lord deserves a swift kick in the nuts.

Recently a video has surfaced from the Bible Baptist Church in Hasbrouck Heights, New Jersey, showing Dammann bragging about how he deals with “smart alec teenagers who don’t take the lord serious [sic].”

Dammann describes a day in which he met “Ben” who he describes as “a nice kid, but bright, which didn’t help things.” And because of that, Dammann knew that Ben would be trouble. Smart kids always are. Because they question things. Like why his church condemns homosexuality, but has bacon available for every breakfast. I mean, aren’t both of those things condemned in the very same book? Does his Pastor just pick and choose which sections to follow? But I digress…Dammann knew Ben “was dangerous.”

And danger only understands one response: violence. “So I walked over to him and went BAM! Punched him in the chest as hard as I could. I crumpled the kid. I just crumpled him.” He crumpled him, kinda like that time that semi ran over that volkswagen.

Folks, I don’t know about you, but I find it refreshing to see a pastor so caught up in his convictions to a god who preached peace and love that he would spread that god’s message by punching a smart kid hard enough to hospitalize him. Besides, this type of reaction is built into the church’s bylaws and history. According to the church website, this place of worship is dedicated to family values, and nothing says family like domestic violence.

     Folks, Dammann rightly understands that when Jesus said “lay down your plowshares and turn your other cheek,” what he was really saying is get your hands dirty and hit them so hard they have to turn away from you. That’s how Jesus wins an argument! He only pretends to be about peace and love and brotherhood, but really, he’s the founder of Fight Club.

I think this is a movement every good Christian should jump in on – Punching People for Jesus! Is there a person you know living in sin? It doesn’t matter what the sin is, do what Jesus would do and beat the shit out of them! Who needs compassion when you have a “right cross” to strike them down with. After all, there is no better way to get through to non-believers!

     This movement could change everything! We could start having church at the gym! Then not only are we helping bring people to god by assaulting them, we can help reduce the obesity rate in this great nation.

Think of all the new holidays we could steal to celebrate this new take on Christianity, like Boxing Day! I don’t know what it is about but it sounds awesome – plus, think of the merchandising possibilities! Hallmark, you are totally missing the boat by not having a “blind-sided by Jesus” Boxing Day Card! Cattle ranchers stand to gain here too! Think about how many more steaks we could sell if people are using them to bring the swelling down!

We could even merge this with the BDSM lifestyle! Think about, people already scream oh god there anyway, this is the perfect marriage of secular and religious practices!

Or maybe we could temper our anger, get therapy, and practice a bit of that love thy neighbor stuff…I mean, either works.

It’s Not Equality If Everyone Can Do It!

     Folks, the battle is over. I am officially raising the white flag on the ship that is Traditional Marriage. I know, I’ve held out longer than most…I mean, even Michelle Bachmann threw in the towel back in September when she declared “gay marriage not an issue” and “boring.” But how can thinking about another couple having hot, sweaty man sex ever be boring? I mean, I practically obsess over it!

     But like I said, it’s over. Another conservative dream flushed down the toilet – like slavery, wife-beating, and spousal rape. I mean what’s next America? Does this mean mean we will have to start paying people living wages? Or that women should be paid the same as men for performing the same work? Is my “not gay marriage” invalidated and will I be forced to get a “gay” one – because if so, I have the perfect guy picked out…plus, he’s a Zumba instructor!

But I digress. Today I want to talk about the biggest winners and losers of the battle between traditional marriage and marriage equality.

Perhaps the biggest loser in this whole battle are the homophobes. I mean, these court decisions have really impacted their way of life and, to them, is threatening the very fabric of security in our great nation. Because forget school shootings, two gay dudes saying “I do” to a life of  love and waking up next to the same person every day for the rest of their lives is what is really placed us in that handbasket to hell.

Think about it: Glenn Beck has already been expressing concern for “allowing marriage to deviate from one man – one woman to one man – one man or one woman – one woman.” He rightly understands that “by allowing the slightest change in these variables will result in polygamy.” And anyone who ever watched Sister Wives knows that polygamous relationships lead to ratings for TLC, which we cannot support because they are the channel of Satan. After all, they are the ones responsible for forcing the Duggars and Honey Boo Boo on us! Even cancelling a show on TLC leads to doing the devil’s handiwork, and I for one cannot wait to watch and then deny watching the porno featuring Mama June that Vivid is supposedly filming!

     Bill O’Reilly has taken it one step further by warning us that allowing gay marriage opens the door to inter-species relationships. Bill, normally I agree with everything that you have to say, but if you are looking at that goat and thinking about starting a sexual relationship…well, I’m pretty sure that goat doesn’t love you, and it will only take, take, take, until you have nothing left…after which, it will chew you up and spit you out! Trust me, I’m speaking from personal experience. FrEd, wherever you are, I love you so much. Just come home! It will be different this time!

Speaking of goats, Rush Limbaugh has resignedly raised the white flag on this issue too. He willingly acknowledges that “conservatives lost” this one. And Limbaugh knows all about marriage…after all, he’s been in four of them.

When you add up all of these points, it is easy to see that legalizing gay marriage is the set of good intentions that is really the path to hell. Besides, how can it really be called marriage equality if it tramples on the rights of those who already have the ability to get married? By having to share this particular crayon box, don’t we risk breaking or wearing down our favorite color, straight sex silver?

Sighs.

Since I spent so much time discussing the losers in this epic War, I guess I should acknowledge the real winners of marriage’s downfall – divorce attorneys. After all, the best way to end a marriage, is to be in one.

And I guess the LGBTQ community has a win here somewhere as well. I mean, now they can be as miserable as straight people – which may make them more relatable. When they were just shacking up, they were so damn happy and chipper. Now they can know what it’s like to be shackled to the same person day in and day out with death being their only escape.

     You see America, just as with everything else here, those vows you take are really just guidelines for competition, and the winner is the one who gets there first…

Odds Are, This Won’t Be Favored By Many

     Folks, I love competition – especially competition between young children fighting each other to the death. That is why I applaud Jared D’Alessio on his decision to open a Hunger Games inspired summer camp in Largo, Florida. He was just wanting to share the joy that comes from stabbing an opponent to death with all the little children everywhere.

For those that haven’t read the books and somehow missed out on the amazing movie that followed them, the Hunger Games chronicles the story of a young woman named Katniss Everdeen as she murders fellow young people in increasingly violent way in order to win extra food for her district (village). What could possibly go wrong by inviting 26 children to a summer camp that is based on that scenario?

Kids showed up at the camp with swimsuits and suntan lotion and they quickly made friends. One little girl, Rylee age 12, told another girl, 12-year-old Julianna, that she would “hate to have to kill her because they were friends.” Julianna affirmed her friendship by smiling, patting Rylee on the shoulder, and saying, “Oh I will definitely kill you first. I might stab you.” Don’t kids just say the darndest things?

     Oh, to have been able to be a part of it all! The first day of the camp was all about crafting. The girls, for instance, crafted sparkly posters with light-hearted messages such as: “LOSING MEANS CERTAIN DEATH” and “WHEN IN DOUBT, GO FOR THE EYES.” Then all the kids got to craft their weapons of war with some musing over how they would kill their opponents and others musing over how they would rather die themselves.

One little boy, Joey, expressed that he would “rather be shot by an arrow, than be stabbed by a sword.” Another little boy, 14-year-old Sydney, was excited to get started and was asking everyone, “What do we get to do first? Are we killing each other first?”

    The week long camped spent the first several days readying the children for their “battle royale” that would take place on a Friday. The kids would be taught to show each other no mercy…until one of the camp counselors became a little freaked out over how violent the children were acting causing her to change the rules of the game. Lindsey Gillette, head counselor, told the kids that “we won’t be killing each other in the tournament anymore, instead you will be collecting lives.”

Oh come on Lindsey, you can’t try to stem the tide of violence being perpetrated by children who are attending a summer camp based on a series of novels about violence and children – that is unAmerican! If they try to play nice, they might end up with the “odds not in their favor.” Like the poor 11-year-old who was curb-stomped during the actual tournament! He was found lying in the grass crying after “several boys viciously stepped on him.” He should have just manned up and died like a good little competitor.

     The fact is violence is part of human nature. So, it’s probably best to go ahead and bring it out in children by allowing them to take part in events that further glorify that behavior. This way, when they become adults, they will feel less guilty about killing someone who wears orange shirts. Kids have to be taught that it’s okay to savagely beat each other to death so long as it’s just a game. This means trophies for the person who slaughters the best.

Eli, another little boy competitor, got it. He bragged about being a sniper in a tree and taking out a small blond child who was hiding in fear because that is the only sane response to a bat-shit crazy situation. But, sanity has no place in summer camps, which is why Eli took Liam’s bucket head clean off.

     Besides, these type of events also teach kids the value of making the right business alliances. One like boy, Andre, learned the hard way that picking the wrong friends can be the death of you when he was betrayed by a group of little girls who stabbed him viciously the second he turned his back on them! That should be called Intro to Corporate Culture 101! After all, it’s a dog eat dog world out there, and corporate America demands that you climb over the corpses of those who stand in your

Folks, we need to embrace this cultural phenomenon. If we had more of these gladiator fight-to-the-death-style events, we wouldn’t need violent video-games to teach kids how the world really works.

Where the Lord Tweeted, I Followed

   Folks, I am a big fan of technology. I like gadgets and gizmo’s. I enjoy social media and the Internet. And I know I am not the only one. I think it would be safe to argue that even the big guy upstairs has a Facebook and Twitter account! But even if the Magic Man on the Mountain isn’t seeking followers on Twitter and Facebook, the Catholic Church is.

Recently, the Catholic Church has promised to give Indulgences in the form of time off from Purgatory for good behavior – or specifically behaviors like “following the Pope on Twitter” and “retweeting his tweets.” People this is revolutionary, now you don’t even have to go to church to seek repentance – you can just shoot a message to the Pope (so long as it is less than 140 characters) that asks him to forgive your late night orgy with those three dudes and that pasta salad (Don’t judge, the salad was sinful).

   You see, Purgatory is that bad place that supposedly everyone goes to be purified. It’s like a detox center for dead people. In fact, the 29-day program they offer is so bad, that St. Augustine claimed, “it is the worst, most severe pain anyone can imagine in this life.” Okay, maybe Augie was being a bit melodramatic with that statement, after all, I have sat through a Barney and Friends marathon once because I couldn’t find the remote.

 But, if Purgatory is even half as bad as Augie claims, then shouldn’t I follow Francis just to be safe? After all, I am following Domino’s Pizza just in case they offer ‘Twitter-only’ coupons. Besides, the selling of Indulgences isn’t anything new. The Catholic Church used to sell dead animal parts and pieces of soiled clothing to people all the time and claim it was an ancient artifact linked directly to the Christ and the Apostles. The Church also has a long history of making up new rules on earth that somehow apply in Heaven. That’s how tight the Pope is with the Big Guy! He can change the rules at a moment’s notice and apparently it is considered all good!

I mean, don’t you wish that worked in the real world? Imagine being charged with a crime and being able to tell the judge that you decided that society would function better if you were always naked, so you changed the statute that regulates public decency in your journal at home. Wouldn’t it be great if the court just shrugged its shoulders and said, “well, they made the changes at home, so, I guess it’s cool.”

   This is not the only way to earn time off Indulgences though America! If you don’t have access to the Internet, you can always attend the upcoming World Youth Day in Brazil…of course this should be renamed World Youth week since it starts on the 23rd and doesn’t actually end until the 28th, but the Church still believes that the world  was created in several literal days so you can’t expect them to have a clear grasp of time! Maybe this is why the Pope isn’t showing up until Wednesday which would be about “noon” of this “day” long event. Also I must add, if you don’t have access to the Internet, then I am pretty sure you won’t get to see this article that would have helped shave off a few minutes from your sentence of excruciating pain caused by being forced to watch Kardashian Reruns in hell.

  By jumping on the social media train, the Church is showing that they are hip and cool. The next obvious step is to put in a Starbucks and gym at each Cathedral…oh wait, all that stand up, sit down, kneel stuff is like a workout already, so I guess all they really need is some overpriced coffee and free WiFi.

Also, several other churches have already jumped on the Internet band wagon, such as: ChristianHeritageChurch.com. Just like Basil Marceaux, they have already added the dot com to their actual name. I don’t see the Pope doing that! Getting on Twitter is just the Church’s attempt to play catch-up with the rest of Christianity! After all, even the Book of Mormon is available as an online PDF complete with downloadable magic underwear!

   Besides, the idea of retweeting the Pope and earning an Indulgence is no crazier than seeking forgiveness by confessing your lusty nature to an unmarried man while the two of you are inside of what looks like a broom closet. At least through Twitter you can maintain some sense of personal space.

Folks, I wholeheartedly support this move by the Church to expand its membership because after all, everyone knows that Jesus said “Follow me…to Instagram.”

It’s Raining Steers

Folks, when I go out of this world, I want to die comfortable in my own bed. I mean, think about it, who wouldn’t want to spend their last moments relaxing peacefully in a Tempur-Pedic?

Come to think of it, I can’t think of a single circumstance that would make dying in bed unattractive…except maybe being crushed by a cow falling through your roof in the early hours of the morning when you are snuggled up supposedly safe and secure in your bed…

Joao Maria de Souza and his wife were sound asleep on the morning of July 13 in the town of Caratinga, Brazil when an 800 lb cow fell through the roof of their house – crushing Joao, and trapping him between the bovine and his bed!

The victim’s brother told the Brazilian newspaper, Hoje em Dia, “being crushed to death by a falling cow is the last way someone should expect to go out of this world.” I am not sure it should be the last way, Mr de Souza, as I am pretty sure having a whale fall through your roof is even less likely. I would put being crushed by a cow somewhere between being eaten by a walrus and drowned by a spider monkey.

But none of this answers the question, “how did a cow get on the roof of de Souza’s home?” Can they operate ladders now? Was there a contingent of para-trooping bovines? Was Chick-fil-A filming new television ad? Because think about it, a commercial depicting cows killing people for not eating chicken makes for a compelling argument!

It turns out that de Souza built his house up against a cliff. And the edge of the cliff is about even with the roof of his house. How was the cow supposed to know that de Souza’s roof wasn’t up to code?

Now I don’t want it to sound like I am insensitive to the fact that a man died, but I am… concerned that no one is reporting on what happened to the cow? Do they eat beef in Brazil? For all we know, the de Souza’s wife made a deal with McDonald’s just as soon as law enforcement left!

But this isn’t the only unusual animal story that we have had this year.

This past Friday, an Israeli man was hospitalized after a trip to the loo. The unnamed John was sitting in the john enjoying his daily constitutional when he was bitten on the penis by a snake. The snake had made a home inside of the toilet that “John” was using and didn’t appreciate what “John” was dumping.

After being checked out in a hospital, it was determined that while “John’s deposit may have been toxic, the snake most assuredly was not.”

I’m pretty sure that both parties will carry the scars from this encounter for the rest of their lives.

Tithing is as Charitable as I Get – Alois Bell’s Story

Folks, everyone knows that Jesus said to be charitable…to yourself and f*** everyone else. That’s the way I heard it – it was proclaimed in a sermon by Pastor Alois Bell from Truth in the World Deliverance Ministries (TWDM) located in St. Louis, Missouri. Pastor Bell reinforced this lesson recently after taking a large party to eat at a local Applebee’s restaurant.

After the group had finished their meal and the check had been delivered, Alois showed how grateful she was for the great service she received – by refusing to tip her waitress AND then writing on the receipt that she only offered charity to God who was already taking 10% so she wasn’t giving the waitress anything else!

Bell is right, charity should begin at home, and this girl was obviously slaving away at work, so she obviously was in the wrong place at the wrong time and Bell doesn’t have time for beggars. The waitress, Chelsea Welch, then did the unthinkable – she posted a picture of the receipt with supposedly rude message written on it in order to show how much of an absolute ass clown Alois was!

At this point Alois could have listened to Jesus and turned the other cheek, she could have humbly asked for forgiveness from the poor girl that she slighted, but no, Alois knows the golden rule – “do unto others before they have the chance to do it to you, and if they do it to you first, smite the ever loving shit out of them!”

Alois claiming “to be extremely embarrassed’ called Applebee’s and “demanded [they] fire everyone involved.” I agree Alois, I would be embarrassed to be associated with you too! Getting a girl fired, a girl who is only paid $2.85 an hour, is the morally correct thing to do! Alois Bell is just a humble servant of the Lord who can’t be expected to be charitable to the poor!

The TWDM claims that they want to “make the world a better place,” and what better way to do that than by stealing jobs from people so that they can become homeless and starve! This IS how they offer “deliverance to those need,” they deliver people from their livelihoods!

Bell blames the incident as a “lapse in judgement on [her] part.” Yeah, Alois, next time you have to remember not to sign your name to stuff like that!

Alois is just practicing what she preaches, she routinely tells her parishioners to pay their tithes instead of their rent because God will provide. Alois knows that saying stuff like that calms people down and makes them feel better about how shitty their lives are. She understands that the real message of the bible to make money, not give it away.

That’s why all the capitalists I know claim to be Christian. Jesus actually gave away all that salted fish to those hungry beggars because he knew he could make a mint selling them something to wash it down with!

In this situation, one must ask “what WOULD Jesus do?” I’m pretty sure that he would send Alois straight to hell, directly to hell, without passing go, and without tipping $200…

A New Year of Resolutions

Folks, today I will make my New Year resolution…I promise to write more. I know I have promised that several times these last few months, but it’s really hard to pay the bills when your only job is professional writer who doesn’t get paid.

People tell me that I have to keep selling myself, and Heaven knows I tried. Heaven and I usually stand on the same street corner on Friday nights and with the exception of a few guys over fifty – no one wants to pay me what I am actually worth.

The fact is: writing is hard. Especially the writing I do here at Sympathy. I mean, how many different jokes can you come up with about “legitimate rape?”

I mean I think that I have talked about everything under the sun these last two years and I wake up every morning and wonder just what on earth could I talk about next. My love for midgets? Nope, I have done that already! Although, expressing the desire to have my own chocolate factory manned by a bunch of little people is one of my favorite past-times.

I can’t even talk about the terror of the the secret bear conspiracy…mainly because I have spent several blogs doing just that.

And the news doesn’t help! Normally, I can find something happening in the world around us to skewer, but lately the levels of stupidity have seemed to level off. Why is that? Is it because the elections are over? Are we no longer concerned about how bat shit crazy the politicians are once they get into office? Sure, Paul Ryan still hates women. And I could harp on and on about how much Pat Robinson loves everyone too, but that would get stale – wouldn’t it?

So, now that I have made a New Year resolution, I need your help.

If you see something weird, odd, or insane – tell me. I need the work!

Now, this is the first of two blogs for the day, stay tuned for my next one in a few short hours, and until then, have a great New Year!

 

Grateful for Normalcy

Folks, it’s time to acknowledge that the holidays are upon us again. The Christmas Season usually starts around Saint Patrick’s Day and winds down around New Year’s. This 11 month-long festival tends to make me appreciate all the good things in my life.

It’s usually during this time that most of the news happens – give or take a month. And without this news, well, I wouldn’t have this wonderful blog. So, I would like to take a moment to offer my thanks to some of the people and things that have helped keep this blog alive.

 

1. Celebrity Status. Folks, being a celebrity is great – just ask Kevin Clash! Yesterday, Clash retired from the public spotlight after standing in it for 28 years. Clash, as we all know, was the man behind Elmo of Sesame Street. Clash touched many viewers during his time on the show – it was the allegations of touching underage ones that brought about his retirement.

2. Riveting Dramas. Folks, I enjoy smart television. Well-written and executed shows will keep me sitting on the edge of my seat wondering what the hell will happen next – badly written and poorly executed shows get a similar reaction. Shows like Honey Boo Boo. This week she is selling art made from garbage she stole from the neighbors. I stare dumbfounded at the screen transfixed by the sheer level of stupidity exhibited by this one family. And it makes me grateful that I am not related to them…I don’t think…then, again…maybe I am…

3. Black Friday. Folks, nothing makes my holiday more complete than watching a 70-year-old woman beat down a 90-year-old woman with a cane. Every year, on the Friday after Thanksgiving, major retailers sell cheaply produced goods that were manufactured in China to the American public for the prices that these items should be sold all year long. These retailers do this because they hate America and our holidays. They would rather know that you spent Thanksgiving standing in a line for 12 hours to buy a plastic beer hat instead of spending those hours listening to your dad tell you how badly you have screwed up your life by not being like him…on second thought, maybe they don’t hate America, they only hate holidays…

4. Sex. Folks, I am very grateful that I get to have sex with someone other than myself. But, I am grateful that I didn’t have sex with Justin Bieber. Sure, he looks like an 18-year-old girl but that still doesn’t explain why everyone from Mr. Rogers to Elmo is claiming to have sexual relations with him. Singer, Ke$ha told the press that she didn’t “sleep” with Beiber, but refused to comment on whether she f***ed him.

 

5. Speed Limits. Folks, being a Christian in this great nation grants you many entitlements. One of those is the ability to blame God for your actions. Melissa Miller of Port St. Lucie, Florida told police yesterday that the reason she was driving 100 mph in a 30 mph zone was because “God told her too.” Apparently, God has been drunk dialing a lot of people this year between telling Republican’s that “rape is the way into my grace” and “speed limits are for p******.” I’m waiting for him to tell someone that the one true religion is the Church of Euthanasia – they are a real religion who believe that in order to find salvation you must first kill yourself. Police officers did they only thing they could do in this situation, they turned to the book and consulted the laws before taking her on an Exodus to meet the Judges.

6. Religion. Specifically, the Church of All Worlds. This is a religion founded by Oberon Zell-Ravenheart and his wife Morning Glory. The reason I am grateful for these guys comes to one thing – The Grey School of Wizardry. Based on the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, The Grey School of Wizardry promises to teach you how to use your wand to work magic.

7. Santa. You have to love any fat who can dress like a pimp, randomly call for Ho’s, force midgets to work in his toy building sweatshops, and demand children pay him in cookies and milk. On the plus side, since female reindeer keep their antlers in the winter (unlike the males), he is willing to employ women to positions that are capable of rising quickly in his organization.

 

So there you have it people, my list of thanks. Joan and I wish all of you a happy and safe Thanksgiving!