I Protest!

Folks, I am dismayed. Once, we were the greatest country on the face of the earth, but now, we are just a country of whiners. Every time I turn on the news, all I see are marginalized peoples holding signs and complaining about how years of systemic oppression have tipped the scales irrevocably against them.

Well, all I have to say is: suck it up, buttercup! Don’t you realize that I’ve been suffering, too? You’ve been so caught up with how police have been exterminating your people for generations or how you deserve the right to control what happens to your own body or that people should be allowed to get married to any other consenting adult that they choose regardless of their gender that you have completely failed to think about the tribulations that I have had to deal with. Like, just this morning, I went to Starbucks, and they were out of Pumpkin Spice Lattes! And that is a real problem, but you don’t see me complaining about it or holding signs to point out just how unjust not being able to purchase a cup of milk flavored with something that does not taste even remotely like a pumpkin is for people like me! Just think about how many sorority sisters had all their dreams dashed when they pulled up to that drive through!

No one in the past ever solved any problems by complaining. After all, we have several historical precedents to show that protests, peaceful or otherwise, are not needed to bring about social change. Why do you think we ended slavery? Or let women vote? Or granted equal rights to oppressed groups? It certainly was not because of people marching on Washington, I will tell you that! Those things only happened because the people in power knew it was the right thing to do after they were politely asked to stop treating people unfairly. We just need to wait until those in power decide that they have wronged us and be grateful that it wasn’t worse.

You should just accept the President the same way all of those conservatives did when Barack Obama was elected…twice. You didn’t see people protesting or states threatening to secede! We calmly expressed our congratulations to the winning side and knew we would have to work harder the next time.

And the demand for safe spaces? What is that about?

Sure, people try to point out that they are afraid because of the things he has said for most of his recorded life history. But these statements were taken out of context! They just seemed to heavily imply that he hated women, Hispanic peoples, African Americans, the disabled, veterans, and anyone who was not a rich, white dude. He later showed how remorseful he was by deflecting attention away from himself by talking about Hillary’s emails.

And sure, he told his supporters to attempt to assassinate Hillary Clinton or anyone else who opposed him, but that’s no different than what Stalin, Lenin, or Kim Jong-un would do in the name of national security and maintaining peace.

And sure, he has threatened to strip away the 1st, 3rd, 4th, 5th, 6th, 7th, 8th, 9th, 10th, and 19th Amendments, but he left the 2nd alone! That should count for something! And he hasn’t even mentioned altering any of the remaining Amendments…probably because he doesn’t know they exist.

And sure, he has been appointing known white nationalists to top positions within our government, but that doesn’t mean he supports white supremacy…it just means he values the rights and privileges of white people over anyone else. Just because a group synonymous with lynching brown people empathetically supported the election of Donald Trump and even went so far as to endorse him in their newspaper, does not mean Trump is okay with their message. After all, he eventually got around to sort-of denouncing the Klan by claiming he would have to research who they were before denouncing them. That’s completely understandable! After all, how would he know who they were? I mean, it’s not like the Klan ever burned a cross in his yard – he’s white.

So, yeah, I just don’t see why anyone is worried or why they would protest this election’s outcome. I mean, if you are going to protest and demand safe spaces, it should be over something incredibly important. Something that could be world ending or bring about the apocalypse. Something like…an extremely popular musical or the color of a coffee cup…

First, the theater is a dangerous place. After Mike Pence received a stern talking to by the actors of Hamilton, Donald Trump immediately jumped to Twitter to express his outrage.

See, The Donald knows that theaters should always be a safe space. After all, theater was originally designed as a space safe from poor people that rich people could go and pretentiously brag about attending to their other rich friends.

Besides, theater people are scary! I literally cannot count the number of times a theater person has tried to mug me on the subway…because it has literally never happened. And all that make-up they wear is just terrifying! Only clowns wear more and we all know that clowns are scary. The fact is Pence and other rich conservatives should have a safe space from having their feelings hurt, which is the absolute worst thing that they will ever experience. I applaud Trump for demanding an apology from his critics, after all, if his candidacy taught us anything, it’s that he has the emotional range of a toddler and being criticized makes him sad.

But that demand is nothing compared to a real issue we should all be concerned with: the lack of a red cup at Starbucks! I mean, Christians are right to be in an uproar over the chains decision to release a green cup this holiday season! It’s not like green is a Christmas color or anything! Have they no decency? And the green cup is plain! Where are my images of snowmen and Santa Claus? What Jesus say if he saw that Starbucks was not giving their customers cups inscribed with secular pagan images?

America, we have to start protesting the real “injustices” of the world! It is time for my problems to be addressed! After all, if America is first in everything, shouldn’t these problems be first in all the world?


A Hot New Fad


     Folks, I was young once. I know, hard to believe, but it’s true. And when I was young, I was constantly chasing the newest fads. Usually that meant buying certain clothes, listening to really shitty music, wearing rubber bands as if it was jewelry, or taking part in highly competitive sports – like the Special Olympics. To this day, I still look at my medals with awe.

But today’s youth are into something a little hotter…namely, self-immolation YouTube videos. These kids are committing the ultimate party foul by dousing themselves in alcohol and then lighting up. When I was a teen, if someone wasted good booze this way, we would beat their ass. Sure, they are using rubbing alcohol, but if you don’t know any homeless people, then that may be the only way you can legally catch a buzz – and it tastes better than Listerine. Plus, when we said we were lighting up,, we were typically talking about illegal drugs, cigarettes, or a fancy cigar that our cultured friend would claim was from Cuba, but really came from that skeezy gas station on the outskirts of town.

     First off kids, what the hell are you thinking? You’re filming this and putting it up on YouTube…for free? I want to quote a great American now by saying, “if you’re good at something, never do it for free!” Don’t you know that this was how I paid for college the first time? Setting myself on fire for cash paid a lot better than being gigolo and a psychic did: mainly because I’m not very good-looking, and I do a horrible Mrs Cleo impression – Call me now for a free reading of my autobiography!

And I am not the only one to profit off of this, Barnum & Bailey made a small fortune having their freaks performers self-immolate in front of sold out crowds – plus, they got that same fifteen minutes of fame you were seeking!

The fact is, you can totally have a career with the circus…provided, you don’t die or get tired of being in agony for what amounts to minimum wage and free peanuts.

     The only other good reason to set yourself on fire is to prove a point. I mean, if you are losing an argument and then you douse yourself in gasoline and light up, no one can offer a rebuttal. Like that guy a few weeks ago who did it to protest social injustice, everyone knows he is dead serious about his point of view. I’ll be honest, I have thought about doing it to protest a 5th Twilight movie or Justin Bieber because you must have priorities.

Besides, you’re not Stephen Amell…you’re not going to get a following of faithful minions who worship your every tweet and status update just because you can successful hurt yourself in stupid ways…otherwise, Steve-O would still have a career.

     And do you know what else? If you keep perpetuating this new fad, no one will be afraid of hell anymore! Face it, if enough people see an “eternal” flame lick at your body while not consuming your body for fuel, it will kill religion. And that would hurt Jesus’ feelings! After all, how can we teach love and tolerance without the fear of spending an eternity in a fiery abyss?

Finally, let’s talk about the potential scars. Sure, chicks dig them, but only if you got those burns rescuing 70 puppies from a raging inferno threatening to destroy a pet store. If she finds out that you earned these scars to get more likes on Facebook, she is going to dump you – right after she laughs at you and tells everyone she knows just how stupid you are.

America, I know we have the need to be number one at everything, but being number one at stupidity just doesn’t sound that thrilling.

I Wasn’t Looking For This Kind of “Notre-iety”

     Folks, now I understand why I was rejected from Notre Dame’s graduate school – I don’t like Hot Pockets! I also don’t break into Massage parlors while high on synthetic marijuana.

I mean, I knew that there had to be a serious reason why Notre Dame wouldn’t want a student who was an accomplished researcher, had a nearly perfect GPA, and looks good in a kilt!

     Last Sunday, Brian McCurren, 19, smashed through a wall with a 100 lb flower-pot to get inside of a spa in South Bend, Indiana. The spa, Therapeutic Indulgence, is world-renowned for its Swedish massage techniques as well as keeping a refrigerator full of delicious treats like Drumsticks, Toaster Strudel, and Hot Pockets.

     It’s good to know that Notre Dame recruits the very best potential students for their institution – It makes getting passed over that much easier.

     I mean, think about it, it takes a highly intelligent person to perform complex problem solving behaviors when said person is “visibly intoxicated” and “high as a kite on fake marijuana.” I mean, how else could someone get inside of a public retail establishment other than smashing through the drywall with a makeshift hammer? I’ll bet he graduates at the top of his DUI class!

     Once McCurren managed to get inside of the massage parlor, he faced another problem – how to cook macaroni and cheese without burning the building down…which almost happened since police found him passed out with the mac & cheese on fire in the oven…

     I would argue that since the fire alarms were going off and that it had been discovered that he had sprayed a fire extinguisher in several rooms of the spa, that he was trying to put out the fire before he passed out – he just forgot where he started it! Of course, the police found him passed out with half a box of Hot Pockets eaten and two Drumstick cones melting on the kitchen table…so maybe he forgot that the combination of smoke and the noise from the fire alarm work together to warn people that a fire is present…

     Folks, this behavior is a problem…and one solution to preventing this behavior is clear – legalize real marijuana! I’ve never heard of a pothead doing this!  When’s the last time you did anything like this after smoking weed? I rest my case…After all, when a pothead wants junk food, they have pizza delivered.

     Think about it, every time the word synthetic and marijuana are used in the same sentence, bad things happen. Don’t believe me? Just look at this headline from Fox News: “Synthetic Marijuana Spreading Among Youth in Suburbia, Obama re-elected!”

     The second thing we can do is fire the people who handle matriculation at Notre Dame…I mean, seriously…you rejected me, but accepted this guy? What the *&^% is wrong with you? I mean, I can party too, okay? I can be down with vandalism and destruction of private property, if that’s what it takes! Just call me!

    To sum up everything, I’ll end with a statement that McCurren made when asked if he had been doing drugs: “I sure hope so!” Me too, Kidd, me too – because if you do this kind of shit sober, you are definitely not invited to my house for dinner…

Can You Hear Me Now?

     Folks, when God speaks, do you listen? For instance if God told you to get into church, what would you do to meet his demand? Well, if you are Stephanie Hamman, 23, of Church Hill, Tennessee, you not only hear God talking to you, but when he tells you to get into church – you park your car in the center pew!

This story starts after Stephanie “smokes a lot of weed.” In fact, she smokes so much weed, that God tells her that smoking “all day and night” is probably bad for her health, and she should probably think about cutting back to just a doobie or two before bed. But, I am getting ahead of myself, first after smoking more weed than Cheech and Chong have seen in their lifetimes, Stephanie began to hear the voice of God.

He told her that “the devil was in” her; furthermore, he wanted her to go to church. “So God told me He wanted me in there, so I drove my car through the front doors.” That’s because parking out front wastes time that could be spent praying. Plus, the church was technically closed, how else was she going to unlock the building? She knew that God provides, and the key he gave her was a Toyota Celica. That’s right folks, God doesn’t shop American, which is unAmerican of him! Sure, you get better gas mileage before you commit vandalism, but wouldn’t this story have been more ironic if she had driven a Ram?

     But God wasn’t the only one speaking to her in that moment! She was involved in conference call with the upstairs and downstairs managers at the same time! While God was telling her to get inside of that church, the devil told her to bring a knife with her…because her husband was a worshipper of NASCAR. I mean, if you need a religion, that one is pretty easy to follow – after all, it’s all left turns.

After stumbling out of her car, she prostrated herself (and her knife) in front of the altar and prayed. It was then that God told her that she she “only needed to smoke pot to relax at night.” Then, in a compromising move, God and Satan told her to call her husband. She knew what she had to do.

Her husband, Steve, arrived a few minutes later. Worried, he ran to the altar to check on his wife who was laying motionless on the floor. As soon as Steve touched Stephanie’s shoulder, all hell broke loose. Stephanie screamed, “the devil is in me,” as she stabbed him in the side. Reflecting back on the incident with police officers, she said, “I prayed I would not have to use it on him, but I did.”

I mean, I can completely empathize with Stephanie. I mean, who hasn’t had God and Satan demanding that you destroy other people’s property and stab your spouse? I mean, you can’t tell those guys no!

But why did Stephanie choose that church? “I was riding with them to a party at the racetrack when they brought me here,” she told police. “I was outside digging in the mud when the devil told me I need to go there. I knew God would help me live right.” Plus, she had been baptized there just last Sunday!

When interviewed, Pastor Joel Trigg said, “I have never seen her before in my life.”

    Wait…what? How could the pastor of the church she made into her garage not remember a baptism from less than a week ago? “I smoke a bunch of weed. I love to smoke it. Sometimes when I do, I start seeing things that others don’t. Isn’t God good? He told me that this would happen, and just look, I am okay.”

Oh, well that makes sense.

Folks, we have to legalize weed now. How else can we have such intimate discussions with heaven and hell? Sure we could seek out a priest and go to confession, but this sounds like a lot more fun. Now that I think about it, I’ll bet this was what the burning bush was made of! And if it is good enough for Moses and Stephanie, then isn’t it good enough for us? To hell with medical marijuana, I say bring on spiritual marijuana! Then we won’t need the Pope to talk to God for us! Just think, all those years of our youth that we thought we wasted getting high was actually the closest we have ever been to Heaven.

     Folks, I can forgive God for not buying American, but I’m not sure I can forgive him for keeping this direct phone line such a secret.

And Unto Your Commandments I Give You One Other, Blow S*%$ Up!


     Folks, I am a happy man. Happy because I know that when Jesus comes back, he will be coming back for me and he will be covered in blood – like the psycho from the Saw movies…

This was the claim made last fall at the WallBuilders’ Pro-Family Legislators Conference by Lt. General Jerry Boykin of the Family Research Council. Boykin also told his audience that Jesus will come back carrying an AR-15.

That’s right America, Boykin doesn’t buy into that liberal crap that claims Jesus was a hippie who instructed humanity to turn the other cheek. He knows that the real Jesus was a “manly man” who wouldn’t hesitate to bust a few caps on his neighbors. After all, Jesus said turn “your weapons into plowshares,” that way he wouldn’t have any resistance when he decides to kill us all.

That’s why we have the 2nd Amendment! Or at least that’s why Boykin says we have it. The bible clearly instructs us to place the biggest sword available to us in our personal armories, and today that sword is a military grade assault rifle! The founding fathers knew this too, which is why they added a note to the 2nd Amendment that says, “Machine Guns F*** YEAH!”

Boykin knows that the inspiration for that Amendment, as well as the entire Constitution, is biblical – that little clause about separating church and state was Satanist lies inserted by that Atheist bastard, Franklin. After all, there is a reason he was never President (besides the fact that he never actually ran), and that reason was spent too much time reading and not enough time blowing shit up.

     I’m with you Boykin, American families don’t need better job security, higher wages so they can eat and pay bills, health insurance, or more education opportunities for their children so they can find some means of social mobility; no American’s need gun-toting, bloody Jesus to help usher in a Golden Age of Peace…a Golden Age that can only begin after brutally slaying anyone who may disagree with sane members of society like Boykin. That’s why I totally agree with his advice that good Christians can prove their loyalty to God by purchasing as many of these weapons as they can!

     But I don’t think you are thinking long-term enough. After all, if all good Christians get AR-15s, won’t those communist atheists buy rocket-propelled grenades? Why not encourage the good people of America, i.e. Christians, to start buying land mines and tanks. And after the godless commies buy similar items, encourage them to buy weapons grade plutonium so we can start building homemade nukes! After all, we can only be closer to God by sending each other to meet him in the fastest ways possible.

I mean, how else could you ever be expected to love your neighbor without first knowing you could take him out during the zombie apocalypse. Besides, ammunition is expensive! And the fact that you are willing to shoot them to begin with is the real definition of love!

Folks, Jesus never wanted humanity to become a pacifist species. Otherwise he would have made sure that his biographers wrote extensively about his views on love and peace.

Getting Happy After My Meal

     Folks, I love buying Happy Meals just for the prize – especially when that prize is an ounce of heroin and a quarter of marijuana. I mean, how else can you choke down food from McDonald’s unless you are stoned out of your mind.

On January 29, 2014, undercover officers arrested 26-year-old Shantia Dennis of Pittsburg for selling heroin and weed through the drive-thru window. Apparently, she was just following instructions from the company website on ways to make ends meet. For those who haven’t heard, McDonald’s has offered advice for making living wages that included things like: getting a second job, selling all your Christmas presents, selling sperm or other bodily fluids, and/or taking up prostitution – they suggested mixing and matching these to ensure you can feed your family! So what she did wasn’t so bad, she just got a second job!

She even devised an intricate and foolproof way to sell the illegal items. A person would order a ‘toy’ from the drive-thru. Then this person would go to the first window to pay for it, and be given a Happy Meal box containing the special surprise. Since the customer would now have what they came for, they would bypass the second window and leave. How could this system ever go wrong?

Remember when they had those exclusive Transformers toys? You could buy a pound of crack cheaper than those things went for on eBay! I can totally see a customer purchasing what they believe is an exclusive toy, going so far as to end up paying an exorbitant fee…only to be upset that they only bought some smack and ganja – and to relieve their sadness, they would need to use all that smack and ganja!

     With more people switching to healthier alternatives, McDonald’s should appreciate the fact that employees like Shantia are doing everything in the power to increase sales. She is just following the first rule of business: give the customer what they want, and in this case her customers want to be f***ed up. I don’t see a problem!

In fact, this is a much better idea than sponsoring the Olympics because at least Shantia knows who McDonald’s customer base is. After all, McDonald’s regular customers don’t watch the Olympics, and I am pretty sure that none of them participate in them! I mean, let’s keep this real, the closest McDonald’s got to legitimately being in the Olympics was when John Candy played that bobsled coach in Cool Runnings.

America, we are supposed to reward the entrepreneurial spirit! After all, isn’t every capitalist some type of criminal? Sure, what she did wasn’t quite on the level, but neither was Toyota selling millions of cars that had faulty braking systems, which they knew could result in thousands of deaths just because it is cheaper to recall the ones that do have problems than prevent the problem to begin with.

     Besides, hasn’t the CIA done this since Vietnam? If so, isn’t she just doing her patriotic duty by helping finance a black ops organization? We should be giving her a medal, not a mugshot!

Well, Shantia, once all this hoopla is over, if Mickey D’s won’t let you keep your job, I have a new one in mind – Governor of Florida. After all, our current one was convicted of 14 felonies before he got the job….

Why Should You Get to Play with My Balls?

     Folks, I am worried for the future of America. We all know that the only things we have going for us as a nation are our competitive sports, especially football. I mean, who doesn’t love watching grown men hug each other and roll around on the ground in an effort to make sure the right person gets the balls?

Well, folks, all of that is in danger now! On Sunday, a former defensive end for Missouri who was considered one of the best players of 2013, Michael Sam, announced that he was gay. Sam is considered to be one of the top draft picks – we cannot allow this to happen!

     America, football is sacred. There is nothing ‘gay’ about it. I mean, what is more masculine than a bunch of dudes in hot pants bending over in front of each in order to pass a ball between their legs? Or how about the masculine, pro-hetero tradition of showering together? If we let gay men on the team, how will we know that congratulatory slap on the ass for a play well-done doesn’t have ulterior motives?

Think about it – football doesn’t need controversy! It has a reputation for hiring men who are above reproach, like: OJ Simpson, Michael Vick, Benjamin Roethlis-howeveryouspellhisname, that one guy from the Giants who shot himself in the leg, or that guy from Cleveland who assaulted a member of law enforcement at the Ft. Lauderdale airport.

Those guys are model citizens! We can’t risk bringing a player onboard who could demoralize and stigmatize the entire League! By having an openly gay player, you risk the world finding out that gay men are capable of doing the exact same things as straight men! If Sam continued to play as well for the pros as he did in college, then the NFL could be forced to hire more gay men to play the game. This would be a travesty because gay men have a reputation for being pro-feminist, compassionate, anti-misogynist, and friendly people – there is no room for any of that in professional football!

Sports are supposed to be angry and violent! Allowing happy people to play risks diluting it and then before you know it, all we are watching is a contact sport that consists of playful slapping and random giggles – kind of like the Lingerie League…wait, the Lingerie League is amazing to watch..is it getting hot in here?

But I digress, the worst part is, if more gay men are playing football, then more gay men may start watching football. This might mean male cheerleaders in skimpy outfits shouting for to the crowd that they “are going to take it to the end.” That is horrifying, right?

To top it all off, other players don’t want it! I mean, this isn’t the Flintstones – no one wants to “have a gay ‘ole time.” Remember when Chris Culliver of the 49ers said, he “wouldn’t play with a gay teammate?” That’s because he would rather get his rocks off with his straight buddies who don’t openly show that they enjoy it! Plus, look at how Sam’s college peers reacted in August of last year to his announcement to them that he was gay, they went on to be 12-2 for the season. They were so demoralized that they lost two games!

America, we have to stop this now. First it was military service, then it was marriage…and before long, the LGBT community will expect the equal rights they should have had along! And then, who knows what will happen? Will women will demand to have equal rights, too? And will we wake up to find that they are playing in the NFL!

After all, this is America…if we wanted everyone to be treated the same regardless of race, creed, sexuality, or religion…we would move to Canada.

Re-Maine High, and Ye Deserve to Die

Folks, I realize that one of the biggest thrills in life is having a rampant heroin addiction. But the fact is if you jump on the horse, you should be willing to pay the piper. Luckily for us all, Republican Governor Paul Lepage of Maine agrees with me. He is pushing for legislation that will end access to lifesaving anti-overdose medications because he knows that having access to such medications will only increase your dependency on drugs. I mean, right now in Maine, shooting up heroin is like playing Russian Roulette with an empty gun – there is no risk! But, if this legislation passes it will be just like playing it an AR-15 with a fully loaded 100 round drum – and isn’t that the way it should be?

     The controversy stems from a bill sponsored by Democrat Sara Gideon. Sara is proposing that police officers, EMTs, firefighters, at-risk users, and those users families be given a lifesaving drug called Narcan. This bill has come about in response to the rising number of overdoses in the state of Maine – the number of fatal heroin overdoses quadrupled from 2011 to 2012. LePage remarked that he would never allow such a bill to pass, and that the state assembly should restrict access to such medications since it will lead drug addicts to think they are “invincible.” I’m sure that being invincible is exactly the thought that passes through the mind of a person dying from a drug overdose.

Face it, Lepage is making the right choice. You can tell that, right? I mean look at the guy! Isn’t that the face of a man you can trust?

He understands that anyone taking illegal drugs deserves whatever happens. This isn’t a video game – you don’t get an extra life when you chomp down on a magic mushroom! You want to smoke some of that flower power, you better be prepared to get burned! If you’re injecting plasmids expecting to get electricity powers, you best be ready to fry!

So what if public health officials laugh and scoff at LePage’s claims! Sure, they claim there is no evidence to support LePage’s statements, but when do republicans need evidence? We make our decisions based on our gut or our own twisted interpretations of the bible – like how Jesus said **** the poor!

Author’s Note:  According to the Center for Disease Control (CDC), most heroin users are middle-aged men and women from conservative states – this is based on a publication from the CDC in 2010, West Virginia had the highest rate of accidental heroin overdose in the nation, while California and New York had the lowest.

Besides, it isn’t the state’s responsibility to see to the welfare of citizens who are most likely to die from these overdoses.  LePage knows that anyone using illegal drugs in a conservative state must be some “hippie libtard” and if they are allowed to survive, they may actually vote! And we can’t have that because these guys may demand compassion and respect from their elected officials!

     This isn’t the first time that LePage has vetoed legislation in order to take a hard stance on drug use. In his three years as governor, he has consistently cut funding to drug rehab programs, and last year he vetoed legislation that would prevent prosecution of someone notifying police of a drug overdose if they were also under the influence. He even tried to ban Funyuns!

     LePage has even changed the way officers are compensated! On Monday, two Maine State Troopers claimed that their pay had been frozen, and that they were forced to collect roadkill in order to feed their family. This is what republicans call incentivizing! If police officers want to get paid so they can provide for their families, then they better get all the drugs off the streets – otherwise, it’s raccoon and opossum again for supper!

     America, the best way to ensure taxpayer money is not wasted on frivolous expenses is to get the taxpayers wasted and then waste them! That way there is no one left to complain about how their money is spent! Instead of social programs to protect the poorest and most disenfranchised Americans from capitalism, we should let them be evicted and die starving in the streets begging the wealthy for table scraps…After all, that model worked really well for Marie Antoinette and Louis XVI.

The Problem with Immigration – the Fact that Everything Is Going Down the Toilet

Folks, I don’t know about you, but I love knowing that the Republican Party is working to make a more inclusive America. Just today, Arizona state Representative Carl Seel introduced legislation to bond people on the basis of race and ethnicity. His bill, House Bill 2192, would require all undocumented immigrants to go to jail if they use a public restroom. Folks, I am in complete agreement with this piece of legislation – after all, only an American citizen has the right to take a crap on American soil!

Folks, we have a responsibility to protect our borders and reduce the costs that states and the federal government incur because of undocumented aliens – just think about how much money the country spent trying prove the Tanners were secretly harboring an ALF named Gordon! The burden to the taxpayer must have been tremendous! Seel knows that the most effective way to reduce that taxpayer burden is to increase the burden on taxpayers.

Think about it, we can use taxpayer money to hire bathroom attendants. That’s the genius of this bill – it’s a job creator!  This means instead of using that money to train, educate, and improve the living conditions of thousands of Arizona residents, we can use the money to turn public restrooms into private clubs – if you aren’t on the list, you aren’t getting (to) crap!

Honestly, I can’t see any downsides to passing this law. So what if it this will mean that every time you use the facilities, there will be someone standing at the door to check your ID – which in this case would require a birth certificate or a visa, at least there will always be someone there who can hand you toilet paper if the stall is out!

So, yes, you would be required to prove you are a citizen…Or it would require you to look like an American citizen. Folks, here are seven easy ways to ensure that the bathroom police never ask to see your driver’s license:

  1. Be white. This is the easiest way to avoid being asked for identification proving you are an American citizen. If you are white, it is just assumed that you belong here. I should know since I am an illegal alien from Namibia and I’ve never been threatened with deportation!
  2. Learn to speak English American. Sure, it sounds similar to the language I scratched out, but they are completely different. Never use any other language on our soil – we don’t care if you were here first – I’m looking at you, Native Americans who were here thousands of years before anyone else, and I’m looking at you, the Spanish, who came here almost 100 years before the English.
  3. Also, we live in ‘Murica, not America. If you call it America, then we know you don’t belong here. Also, you should grunt a lot, and talk about how people are “always stealing your jobs.” If anyone ever asks which jobs are those, just shrug. That’s because that is a trick question since every ‘Murican knows that the only jobs being stolen are the really shitty ones that no one wanted anyway and this complaint is just to get attention.
  4. Learn everything about NASCAR – this isn’t that hard since all they do is make left turns for 5 hours! Real ‘Muricans, especially those in Arizona, aren’t smart enough to get involved in stimulating debates on global climate change or the stratification of wealth based on intersections of social class, gender, and race. Instead, talk about how Dale Earnhardt got a bum deal and if he hadn’t died in that car wreck, he would still be king.
  5. Listen to Country Music. Sure, it’s sad, depressing, and makes me want to shove pencils in my ears so that I don’t have to listen to Billy Ray Cyrus anymore, but no one questions where I belong! Also, this can lead to bonding with that toothless, old guy who hangs out at the local bar waving his guns around while blaming Obama  for everything. Which brings me to my next two points…
  6. Get some guns and wave them around. Nothing says ‘Murican, like being a responsible gun owner who is ready at a moments notice to shoot up a guy who is shooting up a school, kill a guy for sending a text message in a movie theater, or murder an unarmed teenager for jaywalking in an all white neighborhood. You also need guns so that you can wave them in the face of people who want to limit your ability to do any of those aforementioned things by passing common sense gun legislation.
  7. You need to blame Obama for everything. Snow in Florida and heat wave in Alaska, it’s Obama’s fault. Have to pay taxes, it’s Obama’s fault. The local convenience store is out of Whatchamacallits – damn you Obama! After all, none of those things ever occurred while a white man was President.

With all the problems facing our nation (poverty, homelessness, child abuse, lack of jobs, an inability of Congress to do anything besides argue), I feel much better knowing the direction the Republican Party is taking me…

After all, I have always wanted to live in the Dark Ages…

You Call This Pillow Talk?

Folks, anyone who says research is boring isn’t doing it right or is doing it alone. It’s like sex – it’s best enjoyed when it involves more than one person and when it veers off into ‘freaky’ territory.

America, I cannot stress how important it is when researching to be a part of a group! It allows you to bond, to laugh, and to get to know things about each other that only your therapist was previously aware of.

Just today, my friend and colleague, Jesse, invited everyone over to her house to work on a project of sociological importance. We were a varied bunch: there was me, Jesse, Trevor, Lacey, Kirby, Allie, and Peter. Allie and Peter are both undergraduate research assistants assigned to Jesse as minions (this part is very important and integral in the story to follow).

    The afternoon began with everyone taking a test that I had designed which measures a person’s bias towards women. While Lacey and I scored neutrally, everyone else tended to show a little bias in favor of one gender or the other – except Jesse, who values women as much as Aristotle. Now that I consider it, I think her test results completely justify her love for the Twilight series! For those of you who haven’t read the books or seen the movies, this is the really shitty story of an old man, and a teenage girl who is completely incapable of doing anything without his permission and support.

But that was only the beginning of the revelations I would learn that evening…

Peter is a shy, quiet, young man. Until this point, I barely knew he was there. But for some reason, Peter decided to share his innermost thoughts with the group. Normally, I would discourage this behavior because of the fact that I just don’t care; however, Peter’s revelations were so awe-inspiring that I was afraid to interrupt his outpouring of emotional baggage.

Peter began with a story about the time he tried to suffocate his younger brother with a pillow. He smiled serenely as he stated, “I knew this would stop him from crying.” I shuddered in terror with joy as he laughed about how his brother is much quieter these days.

    As we all laughed awkwardly, Peter shifted gears and began telling us about the time he stalked a girl through a parking lot. He “claims” he was on the phone and following her around by accident. I’m sure she believed him – considering he was only wearing a trench coat at the time.

I mean, I’ve ‘accidentally’ followed women before…until the restraining order and then I was told I couldn’t, so I can relate! Well, almost relate anyway – after all, I was dressed when I did it!

But folks, the best story was when Peter stole his teacher’s hair so that he could complete a voodoo doll that he had made of her! I mean, who hasn’t broken into their teacher’s homes in order to swipe locks of hair or semen from a favorite teacher? I know I sure haven’t! Peter made his doll from felt that he stapled together so it resembled a crude facsimile of a human being. After he slammed the dolls legs inside of the pages of his textbook, his teacher found herself paralyzed and has never been seen by anyone other than Peter again.

Petey also had some advice on dealing with pets. He knows that eventually our pets will pass on to the great beyond and then all you are left with is a mummified squirrel corpse, and what can you do with that? I mean other than tie a noose around its desiccated neck and fling it around like a lasso.

Pete had several ideas of what to do with them actually:

  1. Stuff and mount their heads on the wall. He said he learned this from his grandparents. Nothing shows your love for Fido like looking at its decapitated head as it leers at you every night. He also says he laughed maniacally when they died, but that is a different story!
  2. Skin them and make them into articles of clothing. This way you can always remain close to your favorite kitten. Besides, we already do this to make bunny slippers, so this isn’t that far removed – he notes that skinning people would be bad though because no one would look good in a multi-colored human skin suit. He really recommends a pair of gloves made from dog’s ears – says they are really soft! Allie agrees that these make the best gifts!
  3. Burn them into ash! Pete notes that a crematorium will perform this service for half off if you start the job first! (Allie took the time to jot this down for future reference).
  4. Grind the bones into powder and convince the roommate that you like least that it is protein powder (technically, it probably is, so this is only a white lie.)

If you thought this advice was great you should hear his opinions on using child porn to blackmail bullies and how to inspire feelings of awkwardness when hugging a stranger! In fact, he claims he knows a sure fire way to make every hug with people dressed as the cast of the Lion King memorable!

Speaking of roommates that you don’t like…Petey hypnotically conditioned one of his former roommates to count loudly to 60 in his sleep each time he heard a door close – all because he accidentally broke a light bulb while he was in a drunken stupor.

    Pete concluded share time with a cute little anecdote of how he skipped out on his girlfriend’s birthday party. Apparently, no one showed up, and he didn’t bother to tell her that he would not be there either. Hilarity ensued – followed by her stabbing him in the leg! When I mentioned that I wasn’t surprised that he had attracted a violent, crazy person for a partner, he exclaimed that he was surprised because she was a mormon!

    Maybe I should have suggested that Jesse loan him her copies of Twilight, but instead I think I will just wish her (Jesse) well… After all, with two research assistants on loan from Bates Motel, she is going to need as much positive energy as she can get to ensure she survives the semester…