Folks, the battle is over. I am officially raising the white flag on the ship that is Traditional Marriage. I know, I’ve held out longer than most…I mean, even Michelle Bachmann threw in the towel back in September when she declared “gay marriage not an issue” and “boring.” But how can thinking about another couple having hot, sweaty man sex ever be boring? I mean, I practically obsess over it!
But like I said, it’s over. Another conservative dream flushed down the toilet – like slavery, wife-beating, and spousal rape. I mean what’s next America? Does this mean mean we will have to start paying people living wages? Or that women should be paid the same as men for performing the same work? Is my “not gay marriage” invalidated and will I be forced to get a “gay” one – because if so, I have the perfect guy picked out…plus, he’s a Zumba instructor!
But I digress. Today I want to talk about the biggest winners and losers of the battle between traditional marriage and marriage equality.
Perhaps the biggest loser in this whole battle are the homophobes. I mean, these court decisions have really impacted their way of life and, to them, is threatening the very fabric of security in our great nation. Because forget school shootings, two gay dudes saying “I do” to a life of love and waking up next to the same person every day for the rest of their lives is what is really placed us in that handbasket to hell.
Think about it: Glenn Beck has already been expressing concern for “allowing marriage to deviate from one man – one woman to one man – one man or one woman – one woman.” He rightly understands that “by allowing the slightest change in these variables will result in polygamy.” And anyone who ever watched Sister Wives knows that polygamous relationships lead to ratings for TLC, which we cannot support because they are the channel of Satan. After all, they are the ones responsible for forcing the Duggars and Honey Boo Boo on us! Even cancelling a show on TLC leads to doing the devil’s handiwork, and I for one cannot wait to watch and then deny watching the porno featuring Mama June that Vivid is supposedly filming!
Bill O’Reilly has taken it one step further by warning us that allowing gay marriage opens the door to inter-species relationships. Bill, normally I agree with everything that you have to say, but if you are looking at that goat and thinking about starting a sexual relationship…well, I’m pretty sure that goat doesn’t love you, and it will only take, take, take, until you have nothing left…after which, it will chew you up and spit you out! Trust me, I’m speaking from personal experience. FrEd, wherever you are, I love you so much. Just come home! It will be different this time!
Speaking of goats, Rush Limbaugh has resignedly raised the white flag on this issue too. He willingly acknowledges that “conservatives lost” this one. And Limbaugh knows all about marriage…after all, he’s been in four of them.
When you add up all of these points, it is easy to see that legalizing gay marriage is the set of good intentions that is really the path to hell. Besides, how can it really be called marriage equality if it tramples on the rights of those who already have the ability to get married? By having to share this particular crayon box, don’t we risk breaking or wearing down our favorite color, straight sex silver?
Since I spent so much time discussing the losers in this epic War, I guess I should acknowledge the real winners of marriage’s downfall – divorce attorneys. After all, the best way to end a marriage, is to be in one.
And I guess the LGBTQ community has a win here somewhere as well. I mean, now they can be as miserable as straight people – which may make them more relatable. When they were just shacking up, they were so damn happy and chipper. Now they can know what it’s like to be shackled to the same person day in and day out with death being their only escape.
You see America, just as with everything else here, those vows you take are really just guidelines for competition, and the winner is the one who gets there first…