Folks, I don’t know about you, but I love knowing that the Republican Party is working to make a more inclusive America. Just today, Arizona state Representative Carl Seel introduced legislation to bond people on the basis of race and ethnicity. His bill, House Bill 2192, would require all undocumented immigrants to go to jail if they use a public restroom. Folks, I am in complete agreement with this piece of legislation – after all, only an American citizen has the right to take a crap on American soil!
Folks, we have a responsibility to protect our borders and reduce the costs that states and the federal government incur because of undocumented aliens – just think about how much money the country spent trying prove the Tanners were secretly harboring an ALF named Gordon! The burden to the taxpayer must have been tremendous! Seel knows that the most effective way to reduce that taxpayer burden is to increase the burden on taxpayers.
Think about it, we can use taxpayer money to hire bathroom attendants. That’s the genius of this bill – it’s a job creator! This means instead of using that money to train, educate, and improve the living conditions of thousands of Arizona residents, we can use the money to turn public restrooms into private clubs – if you aren’t on the list, you aren’t getting (to) crap!
Honestly, I can’t see any downsides to passing this law. So what if it this will mean that every time you use the facilities, there will be someone standing at the door to check your ID – which in this case would require a birth certificate or a visa, at least there will always be someone there who can hand you toilet paper if the stall is out!
So, yes, you would be required to prove you are a citizen…Or it would require you to look like an American citizen. Folks, here are seven easy ways to ensure that the bathroom police never ask to see your driver’s license:
- Be white. This is the easiest way to avoid being asked for identification proving you are an American citizen. If you are white, it is just assumed that you belong here. I should know since I am an illegal alien from Namibia and I’ve never been threatened with deportation!
- Learn to speak English American. Sure, it sounds similar to the language I scratched out, but they are completely different. Never use any other language on our soil – we don’t care if you were here first – I’m looking at you, Native Americans who were here thousands of years before anyone else, and I’m looking at you, the Spanish, who came here almost 100 years before the English.
- Also, we live in ‘Murica, not America. If you call it America, then we know you don’t belong here. Also, you should grunt a lot, and talk about how people are “always stealing your jobs.” If anyone ever asks which jobs are those, just shrug. That’s because that is a trick question since every ‘Murican knows that the only jobs being stolen are the really shitty ones that no one wanted anyway and this complaint is just to get attention.
- Learn everything about NASCAR – this isn’t that hard since all they do is make left turns for 5 hours! Real ‘Muricans, especially those in Arizona, aren’t smart enough to get involved in stimulating debates on global climate change or the stratification of wealth based on intersections of social class, gender, and race. Instead, talk about how Dale Earnhardt got a bum deal and if he hadn’t died in that car wreck, he would still be king.
- Listen to Country Music. Sure, it’s sad, depressing, and makes me want to shove pencils in my ears so that I don’t have to listen to Billy Ray Cyrus anymore, but no one questions where I belong! Also, this can lead to bonding with that toothless, old guy who hangs out at the local bar waving his guns around while blaming Obama for everything. Which brings me to my next two points…
- Get some guns and wave them around. Nothing says ‘Murican, like being a responsible gun owner who is ready at a moments notice to shoot up a guy who is shooting up a school, kill a guy for sending a text message in a movie theater, or murder an unarmed teenager for jaywalking in an all white neighborhood. You also need guns so that you can wave them in the face of people who want to limit your ability to do any of those aforementioned things by passing common sense gun legislation.
- You need to blame Obama for everything. Snow in Florida and heat wave in Alaska, it’s Obama’s fault. Have to pay taxes, it’s Obama’s fault. The local convenience store is out of Whatchamacallits – damn you Obama! After all, none of those things ever occurred while a white man was President.
With all the problems facing our nation (poverty, homelessness, child abuse, lack of jobs, an inability of Congress to do anything besides argue), I feel much better knowing the direction the Republican Party is taking me…
After all, I have always wanted to live in the Dark Ages…