Folks, anyone who says research is boring isn’t doing it right or is doing it alone. It’s like sex – it’s best enjoyed when it involves more than one person and when it veers off into ‘freaky’ territory.
America, I cannot stress how important it is when researching to be a part of a group! It allows you to bond, to laugh, and to get to know things about each other that only your therapist was previously aware of.
Just today, my friend and colleague, Jesse, invited everyone over to her house to work on a project of sociological importance. We were a varied bunch: there was me, Jesse, Trevor, Lacey, Kirby, Allie, and Peter. Allie and Peter are both undergraduate research assistants assigned to Jesse as minions (this part is very important and integral in the story to follow).
The afternoon began with everyone taking a test that I had designed which measures a person’s bias towards women. While Lacey and I scored neutrally, everyone else tended to show a little bias in favor of one gender or the other – except Jesse, who values women as much as Aristotle. Now that I consider it, I think her test results completely justify her love for the Twilight series! For those of you who haven’t read the books or seen the movies, this is the really shitty story of an old man, and a teenage girl who is completely incapable of doing anything without his permission and support.
But that was only the beginning of the revelations I would learn that evening…
Peter is a shy, quiet, young man. Until this point, I barely knew he was there. But for some reason, Peter decided to share his innermost thoughts with the group. Normally, I would discourage this behavior because of the fact that I just don’t care; however, Peter’s revelations were so awe-inspiring that I was afraid to interrupt his outpouring of emotional baggage.
Peter began with a story about the time he tried to suffocate his younger brother with a pillow. He smiled serenely as he stated, “I knew this would stop him from crying.” I shuddered in terror with joy as he laughed about how his brother is much quieter these days.
As we all laughed awkwardly, Peter shifted gears and began telling us about the time he stalked a girl through a parking lot. He “claims” he was on the phone and following her around by accident. I’m sure she believed him – considering he was only wearing a trench coat at the time.
I mean, I’ve ‘accidentally’ followed women before…until the restraining order and then I was told I couldn’t, so I can relate! Well, almost relate anyway – after all, I was dressed when I did it!
But folks, the best story was when Peter stole his teacher’s hair so that he could complete a voodoo doll that he had made of her! I mean, who hasn’t broken into their teacher’s homes in order to swipe locks of hair or semen from a favorite teacher? I know I sure haven’t! Peter made his doll from felt that he stapled together so it resembled a crude facsimile of a human being. After he slammed the dolls legs inside of the pages of his textbook, his teacher found herself paralyzed and has never been seen by anyone other than Peter again.
Petey also had some advice on dealing with pets. He knows that eventually our pets will pass on to the great beyond and then all you are left with is a mummified squirrel corpse, and what can you do with that? I mean other than tie a noose around its desiccated neck and fling it around like a lasso.
Pete had several ideas of what to do with them actually:
- Stuff and mount their heads on the wall. He said he learned this from his grandparents. Nothing shows your love for Fido like looking at its decapitated head as it leers at you every night. He also says he laughed maniacally when they died, but that is a different story!
- Skin them and make them into articles of clothing. This way you can always remain close to your favorite kitten. Besides, we already do this to make bunny slippers, so this isn’t that far removed – he notes that skinning people would be bad though because no one would look good in a multi-colored human skin suit. He really recommends a pair of gloves made from dog’s ears – says they are really soft! Allie agrees that these make the best gifts!
- Burn them into ash! Pete notes that a crematorium will perform this service for half off if you start the job first! (Allie took the time to jot this down for future reference).
- Grind the bones into powder and convince the roommate that you like least that it is protein powder (technically, it probably is, so this is only a white lie.)
If you thought this advice was great you should hear his opinions on using child porn to blackmail bullies and how to inspire feelings of awkwardness when hugging a stranger! In fact, he claims he knows a sure fire way to make every hug with people dressed as the cast of the Lion King memorable!
Speaking of roommates that you don’t like…Petey hypnotically conditioned one of his former roommates to count loudly to 60 in his sleep each time he heard a door close – all because he accidentally broke a light bulb while he was in a drunken stupor.
Pete concluded share time with a cute little anecdote of how he skipped out on his girlfriend’s birthday party. Apparently, no one showed up, and he didn’t bother to tell her that he would not be there either. Hilarity ensued – followed by her stabbing him in the leg! When I mentioned that I wasn’t surprised that he had attracted a violent, crazy person for a partner, he exclaimed that he was surprised because she was a mormon!
Maybe I should have suggested that Jesse loan him her copies of Twilight, but instead I think I will just wish her (Jesse) well… After all, with two research assistants on loan from Bates Motel, she is going to need as much positive energy as she can get to ensure she survives the semester…