The War on Whitey

        Folks, there is a cultural war being waged in our society that threatens to undermine everything we stand for as Americans. No, I am not referring to the factually known war on our beloved Christmas. I am in fact referring to the war against white people.

        It all started with Miley Cyrus. When this symbol of white innocence launched her latest videos, she was attacked for trying to “co-opt black culture.” Didn’t critics claim the same thing about Elvis when he invented Rock ‘n Roll? Personally, I love ‘twerking’ as much as the next guy! You should see it, my large ass shakes so much, it resembles a massive earthquake in a densely populated area – in other words, the results aren’t pretty and those closest to me are likely to get hurt!

        Now minorities and liberals want to attack us for stealing their cultures and traditions that we invented. But folks, stealing other people’s traditions and cultures and then claiming that they were ours all along is what white people do best! After all, what would Christmas be like if we didn’t steal the ideas of decorating trees, giving each other gifts, singing carols, and trying to make out with the hot girl from accounting under the mistletoe? A lot more boring and reverent, that’s what! I mean, if you take away all the cool things about Christmas that we stole from other religions, all you would have left is a mandatory day of prayer, and who wants that? Not me, that’s for sure.

        The fact is that being white is great, and being around white people constantly is even better. If this wasn’t true then why do we only teach the accomplishments of white people in history class? Sure the Native’s kept us alive our first year, but after that they only stood in the way of progress and white people had to clear them out in order to make room for even more greatness. And every white person knows that slavery was a dark period in our nation’s history, but it wasn’t really that bad for most of them.

        That’s why I am ashamed of the liberal media for attacking poor Phil Robertson from Duck Dynasty just because he said that “black people were happier before the Civil War.” He should know, he was there. He’s just telling you how much his former slaves looked forward to being tied to a fence post and beaten for hours on end. Everyone knows that if you really want to take the weight off, you should get yourself flayed within an inch of your life.

        Sure, he also made some offhand comments about homosexuality and how the “gays were gonna burn in hell for all eternity,” but that’s because white people co-opted the bible too. I mean have you read that thing? It says we can’t eat shellfish or bacon – that’s barbaric! So, naturally, we ignore the parts that we don’t like and instead focus on the parts that we do – even if those parts are only one chapter apart from each other!

        And Phil isn’t the only white person to be attacked by the media recently. Megyn Kelly from Fox News was ridiculed when she pointed out the fact that Santa Claus and Jesus were both caucasian. Look, it’s just true, okay? Everyone knows that Jesus was a blonde haired, blue-eyed Jew living in a Middle Eastern country full of brown people. And the real Santa is a fictional character based on a darker-skinned guy from Turkey, but if we used his actual likeness, people in Georgia may shoot him for breaking and entering. After all, if a white guy comes into your house with a huge sack in the middle of the night, no one is going to worry that he will burglarize your home or rape your women.

      Liberals are going so far as to insist that white people get special privileges just for being white. They claim things like “white people don’t get followed around stores by security” or “don’t get pulled over just because they are white.” Well, I say that is a bunch of bull. After all, anyone can have the same treatment, so long as they lighten their skin, straighten their hair, dress like mainstream white America, and live in the same neighborhoods as the rest of us.

        Folks, we have to stop this right now before it gets out of control. Next thing you know, we will be forced to see historically accurate depictions of people like Jesus, or they will be telling us that Martin Luther King, Jr. was a black man. 


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