Folks, I applaud the Republican Party’s shutdown of the United States government! After all, if the Christian Right bring our country to its knees, isn’t that the same as saying that God destroyed America?
But it isn’t all doom and gloom, America. The Republican Party knows that most of its constituents read on a third-grade level – that’s why Ted Cruz quoted Dr. Seuss! They also know that most of you didn’t bother to finish Dr. Seuss’s masterpiece “Green Eggs and Ham” because it was way too long, and “Game of Thrones” was about to start.
I realized the truth of this when I told a group of people to research what the Affordable Care Act actually does and they all told me that they “didn’t know what it did, and [we] didn’t care to understand it because Glenn Beck said it was bad.”
You see, the GOP knows America. Think about it like this: if Ted Cruz says “Liberals are destroying America with Obamacare,” he can get away with it because there isn’t anyone in that party who is smart enough to fact check him. Besides, Obamacare is really a Republican idea that the Democrats have actually embraced – so Republicans have to claim that they hate the thing that the actually created because they can’t afford to have their competition get the credit for improving people’s lives.
That’s why Boehner calls it socialized medicine – because he knows that term alone will make his voters hate it! This way, the Republican Party can have it repealed so that when they finally get a Republican President, they can rebrand it as Ameri-care and sell it as an original idea! It’s a genius move!
Actually anytime a Democrat tries to pass a common sense piece of legislation or a piece of legislation that may be good for the whole country, they know they have to distance themselves from it because it most likely infringes on the Constitution. Take Romney, for instance. He passed some really restrictive gun laws while he was governor, but when Democrats wanted to ensure that terrorists and crazy people can’t get guns, the Republicans claimed that they were trying to infringe on your Constitutional rights. Even now, when a Democrat tried to pass a bill that says “Congress will not get paid, so long as the shutdown is in effect,” the GOP immediately shut him up by defending the Constitution that says, “Congress gets their $174,000 a year whether you get paid or not.”
But not everything is shut down.
After all, the shutdown cannot be allowed to affect any of the members of Congress because they are all independently wealthy, and deserve to have a good time. And any parts of the shutdown that could hinder their good times are being solved with piece meal legislation.
Airline delays? Piece meal legislation so that they can fly wherever they wish.
Vacations to the National Forest while 800,000 men and women are furloughed? Piece meal legislation to reopen them.
This also makes it look like they actually care about their constituents!
In fact, they care so much that they closed the one federal employee gym that is used by non-Congress members, so that they could keep the one that is available only to them open. That’s love!
Folks, these guys know that throwing a temper tantrum is how you get what you want. After all, every time you acted out in a grocery store as a kid, your mom always gave you stuff to get you to stop…stuff like a beating in front of everyone there.
Which brings me to my breakthrough idea for ending the shutdown: We need to fly to Washington (since there are no delays) and put each and everyone of these spoiled, entitled brats over our knee. I can provide the switches! I’m talking bare-bottom, no mercy, beat you like your grandmother did when you were a kid, spankings. This is the only way to put children back in line when they throw a temper tantrum. Sure, they may cry for a little bit. Or whine that so and so deserves it, but they don’t. We just need to ignore all that posturing, and do what is best for America by whipping them into shape.