It’s Raining Steers

Folks, when I go out of this world, I want to die comfortable in my own bed. I mean, think about it, who wouldn’t want to spend their last moments relaxing peacefully in a Tempur-Pedic?

Come to think of it, I can’t think of a single circumstance that would make dying in bed unattractive…except maybe being crushed by a cow falling through your roof in the early hours of the morning when you are snuggled up supposedly safe and secure in your bed…

Joao Maria de Souza and his wife were sound asleep on the morning of July 13 in the town of Caratinga, Brazil when an 800 lb cow fell through the roof of their house – crushing Joao, and trapping him between the bovine and his bed!

The victim’s brother told the Brazilian newspaper, Hoje em Dia, “being crushed to death by a falling cow is the last way someone should expect to go out of this world.” I am not sure it should be the last way, Mr de Souza, as I am pretty sure having a whale fall through your roof is even less likely. I would put being crushed by a cow somewhere between being eaten by a walrus and drowned by a spider monkey.

But none of this answers the question, “how did a cow get on the roof of de Souza’s home?” Can they operate ladders now? Was there a contingent of para-trooping bovines? Was Chick-fil-A filming new television ad? Because think about it, a commercial depicting cows killing people for not eating chicken makes for a compelling argument!

It turns out that de Souza built his house up against a cliff. And the edge of the cliff is about even with the roof of his house. How was the cow supposed to know that de Souza’s roof wasn’t up to code?

Now I don’t want it to sound like I am insensitive to the fact that a man died, but I am… concerned that no one is reporting on what happened to the cow? Do they eat beef in Brazil? For all we know, the de Souza’s wife made a deal with McDonald’s just as soon as law enforcement left!

But this isn’t the only unusual animal story that we have had this year.

This past Friday, an Israeli man was hospitalized after a trip to the loo. The unnamed John was sitting in the john enjoying his daily constitutional when he was bitten on the penis by a snake. The snake had made a home inside of the toilet that “John” was using and didn’t appreciate what “John” was dumping.

After being checked out in a hospital, it was determined that while “John’s deposit may have been toxic, the snake most assuredly was not.”

I’m pretty sure that both parties will carry the scars from this encounter for the rest of their lives.

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