Missouri Loves Company…and Guns

Folks, I have never wanted to visit Missouri – much less live there! I never have…that is until recently! That’s because Missouri has just passed a string of laws intended to give sane people the middle finger.

On Wednesday, May 8, the Republican-led Legislature rushed out several new bills. These Republicans knew they had to protect the good people of Missouri from a chaos-fueled world filled with acts of violence and hatred by passing laws that increase the likelihood of chaos, violence, and bigotry.

The first law concerns the sustainability agreement of the United Nation’s referred to as Agenda 21. This agreement is currently a non-binding solution to the problems of poverty and environmental conservation. Republican’s view it as anti-biblical because they know that god gave us this planet to destroy at our leisure and that Jesus said “F*** poor people.”

We can’t be concerned with reasonable growth and replenishment guidelines that no one follows anyway! We have to cut down the rain-forests now because they are still there – and no one wants that!

These government officials wisely realize that once Agenda 21 is in full swing, the United Nations will come to Missouri to confiscate private property to help fund it. After all, there is so much of value in Missouri…

The second of these bills involves Sharia Law. Missouri Law-Makers know that the Constitutional   statement that declares “church and state must be separated” is only a suggestion, so they passed laws saying that Sharia Law can never be considered the governing law of the state. We can’t have Sharia Law in place! According to Islāmic Law, all crime is a sin – including white-collar crime! Islāmic Law also declares that a person is obligated to be charitable! This provision says that “while private property rights are acknowledged, a person who has must share with one who has not.” That is a completely foreign concept to any God-loving Republican! There are also dietary restrictions, and since the Arab nations are not obese they are in no position to talk to us about what is good to eat! That’s the same as trusting a skinny chef!

But these two laws were just the appetizer. The main course involves our nation’s favorite hot button topic right now – guns.

Missouri voted to make it a crime to enforce Federal gun laws within the state. They also legalized open carry of any weapon who’s barrel is less than 15 inches.

But, most importantly, they made it mandatory for school employees to carry a gun. At risk of being fired. That’s right America, Missouri knows that the only way to properly educate our children is to hire Ted Nugent. Teachers will also be given limited arrest powers. That means if little Johnny fires off a spit-ball, he won’t go to the principal – he will go straight to jail without collecting his two hundred dollars.

Miranda Rights are a Federal thing, so who needs those! Under this law, these new “school protection officers” are legally allowed to detain children for up to four hours. Wait, I thought we already had a program like that in place…called detention.

Another provision of the bill makes it illegal for a Doctor to ask a crazy person if they own a gun. It doesn’t matter if the patient says they want to bomb a school or kill their spouse, Doctors cannot ask their patients or notify police of anything that is said. That’s because the Missouri legislature understands that these people don’t mean it! They just need a healthier outlet for expressing their frustrations – like shopping…for new guns…that they can use to commit violent crime.

These three laws were all the love-children of Senate Majority Whip Brian Nieves. Nieves immediately updated his Facebook status with “MURIKAH!” upon their passage.

Representative Doug Funderburk went on to say that “the people of Boston probably wished they had guns in their homes when the terrorists were running around.” That’s right Funder-man, we know that despite the fact that not a single Boston civilian mentioned, was photographed with, tweeted, or updated their Facebook status with their wish to use their guns to hunt terrorists – they secretly desired to do so!

So America, I am urging you to stand by Missouri and their new Darwinian Trifecta. Once the dust settles and the lead stops flying, property there will be rather inexpensive.


4 comments on “Missouri Loves Company…and Guns

  1. “Miranda Rights are a Federal thing, so who needs those!” Indeed. Totally bizarre stuff. Teachers carrying guns? I can’t imagine how any parents would think that is a safe solution. Ugh. If I had a kid, I would move out of that state faster then you could say Ted Nugent. Great one, yet again. Cheers.

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