Folks, after a long and possibly unforgivable hiatus from writing, I am back, tan, and in better shape than ever! Okay, maybe, I am still pale and a fat bastard, but at least I am back! And, hopefully, after today’s topic, you will forgive my absence.
The Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation is concerned about STI’s. They want everyone to have a lot of groovy sex without having to take penicillin afterwards. But, they realize that condoms suck. So, in an effort to make your late-night orgies safer and “more pleasurable”, they are holding a contest that has a $100,000 prize to anyone who “can develop an idea that leads to the creation of condoms that increase pleasure in the hope that people will use them”.
That’s right – they will pay you to create and test objects used in sexual situations. Now, sure, you could design a condom that doesn’t cut off circulation. Or perhaps, you could design a condom that doesn’t make you want to join the priesthood afterwards. In other words, you could “build a better mousetrap.”
Or, you could take the route that Joerg Sprave took. Joerg Sprave builds slingshots. When he heard about this contest, he naturally decided that what we really need is a quick, easy way to apply condoms. So, he invented the “Condom Applicator Slingshot Gun.” He knows that men love guns and men love sex – therefore, combining both is a no brainer!
So Sprave built his device and then he uploaded a video to YouTube that would highlight all of the gun’s best features – like the loud popping noise it makes after it fires! The noise is comparable to the sound a shotgun makes when you go quail hunting. As a matter of fact, the sound alone is guaranteed to ensure safe sex because no man on earth would be able to perform after hearing that go off so close to his genitals.
The sound is actually the result of the sonic boom that is created when the gun applies the condom to your penis. I mean, what’s better than firing high speed projectiles at your crotch? I call that Saturday.
So, that’s it. That’s all the benefits. It’s a gun that fires condoms at frighteningly high speeds at your manhood.
Sprave acknowledges that his device needs work. The first drawback is that it isn’t accurate. But that’s a minor setback, really. It properly applies the condom one out of every eight times. That’s better odds than Vegas.
The second drawback is that it inspires Fear. Come on, don’t be a wuss. What is there to be afraid of – I mean other than the fact that you are pointing a gun that resembles a medieval torture device at what is probably the best relationship you have ever had and then proceeding to fire a spring-loaded object on your penis.
Lastly, he mentions the least of all the complaints he has received thus far on the condom gun…it causes severe pain. Sprave kinda mumbles that before laughing hysterically and then adding “but that is why I need the money, so that I can improve it!” Yeah, he doesn’t want to hurt you – you can tell that from the way he laughs evilly throughout the video.
I can see the commercial right already! A guy and girl are thinking about having pre-marital sex. He tries to get aggressive and she tells him that they can’t without using protection while pulling the Condom Applicator Slingshot Gun out of her purse. They proceed to have a safe encounter because after she shows her date the CASG, he runs screaming from her house.
So come on Bill and Melinda, give the guy the money. I mean after all, at least the Fifty Shades of Grey crowd would be into it.