I Got the Clap & You’re Drinking It Too

Today’s blog is a public service announcement. Folks, it has come to my attention that there is a menace lurking around us. A menace that we can’t see. A menace that we can’t touch. And apparently  a menace that we can’t taste…

I just learned that a few months ago a college which shall remain nameless conducted an experiment. The experiment was performed by the Microbiology students. The purpose was to find out what dangers are lurking around us everyday…dangers that we are ignorant of.

My source, a student named Rachel from said class, claims that the young scientists went to a random water fountain located inside of a randomly selected building on the campus. The water fountain they chose wasn’t in any of the sport’s arenas. It wasn’t in any of the dorms. It wasn’t in a student hang-out place. It was in one of the academic buildings. Where they hold classes.

So, they took a cotton swab to this random water fountain. They swabbed the nozzle that people drink from. They collected the culture and waited to see what would develop.

And what developed?


That’s right, they got the clap from a water fountain. How is that even possible? Isn’t chlamydia only transmitted sexually?

It’s not like you could tell anyone the truth because they would never believe you. Hell, I wouldn’t believe you and I am breaking the story! Imagine telling your doctor, for instance. Your doctor wouldn’t even believe you. You would be like “seriously doc, I drank some water and woke up with puss oozing out of my privates.” He would respond with a knowing wink and a nod and prescribe you a member of the tetracycline family.

Can you imagine telling your significant other that you got the clap from a water fountain? They would never believe you!  They would accuse you of being with that whore from work that one night you came home late. You would end up single and on erythromycin!

The worst part is that I may have used that water fountain!! I may have the clap and not even know it! The National Institutes of Health claim that 1 in 4 men don’t show any symptoms. This is why I am scheduling a visit with my doctor as I write this!

How did the water fountain catch a sexually transmitted disease? Did someone just have oral sex and decide they were thirsty? Or maybe they didn’t like the taste and needed to rinse it out? Maybe instead of going down on someone in a college bathroom, you should have, I don’t know, waited until you were at home or at the very least gotten a room somewhere? I don’t want your VD, so please refrain from using a water fountain as your personal sink!

Or maybe someone actually had sex with the fountain. How does that even work? Is it even possible? Or perhaps, they thought it was a bidet? I mean, they have those in Europe, right? I assume they are normally located inside a toilet stall, but maybe Europe is more progressive than I thought. Maybe this exchange student finished up and saw the fountain and thought – hey, I can rinse here! Awesome!

This discovery only leads to more questions. How many other diseases which were previously considered as only transmittable sexually are lurking in my water fountains? Or on a toilet seat? Or floating beside the drive thru ordering machine?

It’s not like you can just look at an object and know if it is carrying some funky disease. If we could, then there would be no problems. We would just look at the scuzzy object and be like, “yeah I am not touching that.”

I may never go outside again. I will never use a public water fountain again.

And this ends our public service announcement, I just ask that you hold your applause until you are at home because I don’t want to risk any further infections.


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