Folks, it’s time to acknowledge that the holidays are upon us again. The Christmas Season usually starts around Saint Patrick’s Day and winds down around New Year’s. This 11 month-long festival tends to make me appreciate all the good things in my life.
It’s usually during this time that most of the news happens – give or take a month. And without this news, well, I wouldn’t have this wonderful blog. So, I would like to take a moment to offer my thanks to some of the people and things that have helped keep this blog alive.
1. Celebrity Status. Folks, being a celebrity is great – just ask Kevin Clash! Yesterday, Clash retired from the public spotlight after standing in it for 28 years. Clash, as we all know, was the man behind Elmo of Sesame Street. Clash touched many viewers during his time on the show – it was the allegations of touching underage ones that brought about his retirement.
2. Riveting Dramas. Folks, I enjoy smart television. Well-written and executed shows will keep me sitting on the edge of my seat wondering what the hell will happen next – badly written and poorly executed shows get a similar reaction. Shows like Honey Boo Boo. This week she is selling art made from garbage she stole from the neighbors. I stare dumbfounded at the screen transfixed by the sheer level of stupidity exhibited by this one family. And it makes me grateful that I am not related to them…I don’t think…then, again…maybe I am…
3. Black Friday. Folks, nothing makes my holiday more complete than watching a 70-year-old woman beat down a 90-year-old woman with a cane. Every year, on the Friday after Thanksgiving, major retailers sell cheaply produced goods that were manufactured in China to the American public for the prices that these items should be sold all year long. These retailers do this because they hate America and our holidays. They would rather know that you spent Thanksgiving standing in a line for 12 hours to buy a plastic beer hat instead of spending those hours listening to your dad tell you how badly you have screwed up your life by not being like him…on second thought, maybe they don’t hate America, they only hate holidays…
4. Sex. Folks, I am very grateful that I get to have sex with someone other than myself. But, I am grateful that I didn’t have sex with Justin Bieber. Sure, he looks like an 18-year-old girl but that still doesn’t explain why everyone from Mr. Rogers to Elmo is claiming to have sexual relations with him. Singer, Ke$ha told the press that she didn’t “sleep” with Beiber, but refused to comment on whether she f***ed him.
5. Speed Limits. Folks, being a Christian in this great nation grants you many entitlements. One of those is the ability to blame God for your actions. Melissa Miller of Port St. Lucie, Florida told police yesterday that the reason she was driving 100 mph in a 30 mph zone was because “God told her too.” Apparently, God has been drunk dialing a lot of people this year between telling Republican’s that “rape is the way into my grace” and “speed limits are for p******.” I’m waiting for him to tell someone that the one true religion is the Church of Euthanasia – they are a real religion who believe that in order to find salvation you must first kill yourself. Police officers did they only thing they could do in this situation, they turned to the book and consulted the laws before taking her on an Exodus to meet the Judges.
6. Religion. Specifically, the Church of All Worlds. This is a religion founded by Oberon Zell-Ravenheart and his wife Morning Glory. The reason I am grateful for these guys comes to one thing – The Grey School of Wizardry. Based on the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, The Grey School of Wizardry promises to teach you how to use your wand to work magic.
7. Santa. You have to love any fat who can dress like a pimp, randomly call for Ho’s, force midgets to work in his toy building sweatshops, and demand children pay him in cookies and milk. On the plus side, since female reindeer keep their antlers in the winter (unlike the males), he is willing to employ women to positions that are capable of rising quickly in his organization.
So there you have it people, my list of thanks. Joan and I wish all of you a happy and safe Thanksgiving!