I Would Love To Give You Advice

Folks, over the years I have learned quite a bit about relationships. That’s why today, I plan to share my words of wisdom. Everyone can use a little advice on the art of romance, right?

1. Cute Pet Names. No, I am not talking about what to name your Yorkie; I am talking about what to name your significant other. They should be imaginative, yet flattering. I suggest trying them out on co-workers first though to avoid awkwardness. For instance, out of the blue I told Joan that she was my “snuffaluffagus” – I mean, we all loved him/her on Sesame Street, right? I was thinking that she was my cute, cuddly, too good to be true so she must be only my imagination, girlfriend…and she was pissed. Apparently my idea of what the name meant did not transition well. She thought I was calling her a hairy, big-nosed and eared freak. Sleeping on the stairs has taught me to get opinions on nicknames before randomly blurting them out. I should also state that the terms “cow”, “bunny”, and “stalker” are not suggested. Instead go for something more unique to that person’s personality such as: a great nickname for me after calling Joan a “cow” would have been dumbass or hospitalized.

2. Make a Gesture. Okay sure, some people think flipping the bird at each other is romantic, but this wasn’t the gesture that I am referring to. I mean burn her an effigy, to show her that she sets you on fire. You can also tattoo her picture on your forehead so that everyone can see who is on your mind. It isn’t creepy, it’s devotion – like that one guy professing his love to Ryan and Romney!

3. Get a Little Physical. It’s easy to show you care just by a few slight touches and caresses, so nothing should say “I love you” more than punching each other in the face. You can also sneak up behind him or her and profess your love with a well-placed sleeper hold.

4. Lingerie. Guys, this is one is for you. You should wear thongs and bikini’s just for her. Nothing screams sexy more than using a piece of string to cover up your fat ass. She will have no choice but to swoon – maybe more because of the smells…but, hey, whatever works.

5. Make a Mockery of Her Choice of Soaps. Folks, don’t tell your significant other that their choice in over-priced facial cleaning products looks a lot like semen…and then say they could have saved money by taking it from the tap…

6.  Let Her Know You Were Thinking About Her. Okay, so leaving that “love stain” on the front seat of Joan’s car didn’t go over so well…I just thought it show her that I was thinking about her…while touching myself…Based on the fallout of that experience I would suggest that you just text or call.

7. Pick Up After Yourself. Leaving a package for an alcohol wipe on the dresser or a candy wrapper on the coffee table will not earn you any favors. Combing through the house to find hidden presents can be fun, but combing through the house to find the garbage that you can’t seem to get to the receptacle isn’t a scavenger hunt – it’s maid service.

8. Tell Him the Truth. Okay, now this one may seem like a good idea, but it depends on what truth you plan to tell him. For instance, avoid truth’s like: “I am so glad I lowered my expectations otherwise I would have never considered dating you.” In cases where blunt honesty could give me neurosis, I prefer that you lie to me.

9. The “Newness” Factor. This one is for people who are just starting out. Never compare dating them with moving into a new place or buying a new car. Sure, on the positive side, this just simply means that like those two above situations the two of you have to make adjustments and possible compromises, but it will come off as sounding like you have a huge case of buyers remorse. I would be left wondering what happens when the new car smell goes away…should I change my deodorant then? Get a wash and a wax?

10. Cleaning. This contribution comes from my co-conspirator, Lilith. “The Samael guide to housecleaning, fact 10: Wet towels dry faster in pairs! – while many people foolishly assume that stacking wet towels produces mold, and waste precious time refolding dry towels to create space for wet ones when all hooks are full, it is an under appreciated fact that wet towels love company! That’s right. So, next time you’re strapped for a hook to hang your wet towel, just look for another, nearly as wet towel already hanging, and voilà! A match made in mildew heaven!”

And there you have it folks…hopefully this advice will be invaluable to you as you move towards committed bliss. I should note that if you do all of the things mentioned above and she still decides to stay with you…you should propose immediately because she

  • A) is obviously in love with your dumb ass.
  • B) is able to appreciate a good joke.
  • C) reads my blog and, thus, proof that the two of you have something in common.
  • D) really did lower her sights and you hit the lottery.

Until next time, faithful readers…


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