Getting Off The Horse

Sometimes when I am hammered, I like to go for a ride…but not just ANY ride. I want to hop on a pony and head out into the sunset – chasing a whiskey high and a setting sun. Think about it – drunken horseback riding is perfectly legal in most places, and there is nothing like being a drunken asshole towards an animal that can trample you to death once you pass out and fall from the saddle. This is probably the best part about being a cowboy – taking shots every time your mount pulls on its bridal. Do you know what I mean? Anybody?

Well, Charles Larkin Cowart, 29, understands me. Just this past Monday, Charles was arrested for operating a large mammal while intoxicated (Technically he was just charged with disorderly conduct and resisting arrest without violence).

The tiny town of Bunnell, Florida was rocked in scandal when Charles took his dad’s horse on a drunken joyride through town. Concerned citizens informed law enforcement that a drunk guy was trampling around on a horse. When the police arrived on the scene to confront Charles, Charles told them that he didn’t have time to be pulled over because “he was on his way to grandma’s house”. Reports didn’t say if he was wearing a red hoodie when he was arrested, but he may have alluded to the fact that a wolf was meeting him there for cookies.

When the police insisted he dismount, Charles did the only thing a dutiful, drunken grandson can – he caused the horse to rear up on the po-po, and made a break for the border! Charles led the police on a spectacular chase around the sleepy little hamlet that lasted thirty minutes, and finally ended on a set of train tracks when the horse decided to stop running. Maybe the horse knew that it could plea bargain a lesser charge by turning itself in because Charles was unable to coax the beast into moving anymore.

As a train hurtled towards them, the horse faced certain death with a smile and Charles puked over the side of his saddle bags…fortunately the police were able to get the train stopped long before it endangered the dynamic duo, but this didn’t help the cops with their biggest problem – how do you get a drunk man off of a 900lb animal? It’s not like they could just shoot him! After all, the horse was black and think of the media shitstorm that would have caused if they missed Charles and hit the horse! People would have said the cops were racist speciest anti-horse. So the police did the best thing they could – they called his dad! His dad then proceeded to knock Charles off the F***ing horse with a bat!

Now Charles knew he was caught, so he did what any reasonable man would do in this situation – he flipped the bird and took off on foot. Cops quickly overtook the man as he ran…and by ran, I mean he stumbled aimlessly and tripped over his own feet.

Charles isn’t the only one to be recently arrested for this crime. Back in September of 2004, a case came before the Supreme Court of Pennsylvania involving a defendant named Noel. The Court ruled that because the horse is a living animal, it didn’t qualify as a vehicle so Noel couldn’t be charged with a D.U.I.

 I think next week I will go to Philadelphia, get drunk, and ride a lion around town – so not only do I not have to worry about a D.U.I, but my  DD comes with claws!

After all, what possible dangers could a living, thinking creature pose if the person experienced in handling it is three-sheets to the wind and screaming “go faster, bulls-eye” into its ears.

Charles was also charged with cruelty to animals, which I can only assume is because he disrespected his designated driver by not offering to buy him dinner. After all, if it were cruel to handle horses while drunk, we would have laws against it…


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