A Pirate’s Life for Me

Folks, I am just winding down from celebrating one of my favorite holidays. Every September 19th, I gather with friends and family and we take part in “National Talk Like a Pirate Day.” Sure, I know what you’re saying – “Samael, hasn’t this been stolen by people who worship rigatoni?” The short answer is: yes it has! But the Jews now celebrate Christmas because Santa brings better gifts, so who cares!

Well even if you don’t celebrate this amazing holiday – Alison Whelan, 51, of England does! I thought I was living it up with my stuffed parrot and eye-patch, but my party wasn’t anywhere near as cool as hers. Because when Whelan celebrates, man, does she go all out! And by “goes all out” I mean she hijacks boats.

That’s right, on September 19th of 2012 a woman was arrested because she yelling “Argh” as she untied a ferry from a dock in a hamlet near London. Witnesses claim that she was yelling “I’m a pirate” and “I’m Captain Jack Sparrow” as the ferry floated aimlessly in the harbor of Devon, England.

At one point, Whelon looked as if she was suffering a seizure which prompted two paramedics to attempt to board the runaway vessel. Whelon instantly became violent and valiantly forced the two technicians to return to shore and wait for the police.

Whelon allegedly laughed as she “brought the ferry into ramming speed” and “collided with several boats docked in the harbor.” I can hear that song by The Lonely Island playing in my head as I picture this, can’t you? I’ll bet that every time she collided with something that Michael Bolton jumped out of a hatch screaming “Jack Sparrow!”

I’ll be honest, I have a hard time telling which one of these pictures is Whelon and which one is Sparrow…The resemblence is uncanny, I think Disney should hire her to be Johnny Depp’s body double.

To be honest, when I first saw this news story I thought it would be about the time Keith Richards had taken a boat for a joyride while he was tripping balls. I wouldn’t have been too far from the truth since Whelon was not only drunk but tripping on nightshade. Nightshade (a deadly poisonous flower) apparently causes kick ass hallucinations before you die.

Police eventually subdued Ms Whelan and took her into custody. By the end of her rampage she had caused thousands of British pounds worth of damage to the area. She was sentenced to not quite 6 months and charged a 100 pound fine…

She may have set out on a grand voyage, but she sailed straight to the slammer. I guess in the end, a pirate’s life is better off lived by someone other than me.


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