I’d Vote For You, But You’re Way Too Smart

Folks, we now know who the GOP wants as its client base. On Saturday, former presidential candidate, Rick Santorum announced that “the church and the family” will sustain the Republican Party. Unless the family is comprised of “smart people”, because according to Santorum, “smart people will never be on our side.”

And why should we want them anyway? All they will do is bring us down with all their science and facts. I say we burn them at the stake for witchcraft. Republicans know that the only people who will vote for them maintain season passes to SmackDown.

It is refreshing to see a member of one of the major political parties admit that the key to being a major player within the party is to be the smartest idiot in the room. It’s like that movie Idiocracy – only without the cool time travel aspects or the even cooler Luke Wilson.

Let’s just face it: facts are boring. And science gives most of us a headache. Global warming doesn’t matter because Jesus didn’t warn us about it! He did, however, warn us about a seven headed dragon that will descend from the heavens devouring wayward souls while bees with stingers in their tails bring down the cities of men. Can science predict or explain any of that? I didn’t think so…

For example, take how “smart people’s” science attempts to explain that the reason the oceans turn blood-red is because of red tide. Science makes the claim that red tide occurs as the result of thousands of “red” algae that developed a taste for sushi. Well I tell you what America, I’m not buying it! Algae is green, duh! So, why don’t we call it green tide? Is it because the real reason the oceans turned to blood is because an angel poured vials of the stuff directly into the oceans? Yeah, I thought so too. I didn’t even need a smart person to explain my version to me either!

Also, science keeps trying to convince me that the earth was created over billions of years…billions are something served by McDonald’s and I know that the earth magically sprang into existence after a mere week.

Folks, think of where we would be without smart people. We could all be wearing furs and eating any animal that we could kill with a stick! Our homes would be much roomier mainly because we would still be sleeping outside. It would be like camping – only with loin cloths as our only covering. We would also be in a lot better shape because no one will have invented a wheel.

No written language or system of mathematics means never having to file our taxes. I see all of this as a win – win!

So, Santorum, I salute you! It takes a special kind of person to admit that no one with any intelligence would ever abide by the platform your party claims to follow. So long as you keep making statements like this one, I will never be out of work.


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