This Is a Public Service Exaggeration

Folks, the government has finally admitted the secret truth – a zombie apocalypse is looming! Yesterday the Department for Homeland Security released a “Zombie Preparedness Guide” that mimics the survival rules laid out in the movie Zombieland. This guide was originally written last year in a blog by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) – supposedly as a joke. Well, look who’s joking now CDC! Homeland Security has flat-out revealed the existence of zombies by telling people to prepare for them! We now know zombies exist because we all know that the people of Homeland Security don’t own a sense of humor!

Finally conspiracy theorists can pat themselves on the back because this marks the first time the government has acknowledged the existence of something they previously denied existed! What’s next Homeland Security? Will you finally reveal Bigfoot? Or the Loch Ness Monster? Or wait, perhaps you will finally admit that there are four humanoid-like turtles living in the sewers of New York City studying martial arts under a Japanese rat?

This is cause for celebration! But, it is also a cause for great anxiety…because, now we know zombies are real! That means we have to worry that every homeless person that reaches out towards us for change is actually attempting to eat us!

But now the question is, “where did they come from?” Perhaps hidden inside of the blog are context clues to tell us the origins of these menacing creatures. The CDC blog tells us that their favorite zombie movie is “Resident Evil.” Does this mean that someone in our government developed a highly contagious virus in a lab that resulted in the creation of zombies? Maybe this is accurate because they go on to mention the supposedly fictional virus Solanum as being the origin of all zombies! For those who do not know, the Solanum Virus is named as the cause of the zombie outbreaks in The Zombie Survival Guide by Max  Brooks.

Now that we figured out where it came from, we have to figure out how to survive it. Homeland Security offered plenty of advice like “shoot the person next to you” and “using your boyfriend as bait.”

The other rules were stolen reminiscent of a certain movie that I mentioned above.

 

The CDC goes on to make a list of supplies that “you will need to make it until you can reach a zombie-free refugee camp.” The supplies include (all taken directly from their website):

    1. Water (1 gallon per person per day). Wouldn’t it be better to actually move into a houseboat on the water? All the facts I have on zombies suggest that they cannot swim.

    2. Food (stock up on non-perishable items that you eat regularly). As I said in a previous zombie survival blog, bring Twinkies. This will ensure scary men with cowboy hats team up with you to stop the zombie horde.
    3. Medications (this includes prescription and non-prescription meds). This is a good idea unless it was the LSD that you were hitting that caused you to see the zombies…then I would suggest leaving the medication at home.
    4. Tools and Supplies (utility knife, duct tape, battery powered radio, etc.) Guns. And a pair of garden shears. Oh and don’t forget Little River Bands Greatest Hits! This way you can kill the undead and stay mellow.
    5. Sanitation and Hygiene (household bleach, soap, towels, etc.) Deodorant. No one wants to smell you, even if it is the end of the world.
    6. Clothing and Bedding (a change of clothes for each family member and blankets) Now is the time to start wearing Armani. After all if the shop keeper is lunch, then you don’t have to pay!
    7. Important documents (copies of your driver’s license, passport, and birth certificate to name a few) The best way to to win any war is to tie up your enemies with paperwork. They will be shuffling their way through so many documents that they just may die of starvation before they can chow down on you.
    8. First Aid supplies (although you’re a goner if a zombie bites you) These are to help the survivors who come after you become a member of the walking dead.

Folks, I say take their advice and stock up on everything that you need to survive. I would also suggest you take part in the “Zombie Races” to get your cardio up, after all Zombieland warned us that “for obvious reasons the fatties were the first to go.”

 
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