I’m Feeling A Little Green

Folks, everyone has a celebrity crush – mine is that blue haired girl from Sailor Moon! These are people who we think are extremely sexy, but know we can never have in the real world. They should be viewed as a topic of laughter and role-playing. They should never be the source of jealous rages! Those should be reserved for that one guy in the restaurant who keeps eyeing your boyfriend like he is a piece of meat!

Besides, it’s not as if we all haven’t felt the sting of jealousy’s cold embrace. I, for instance, get jealous whenever Joan pays more attention to her homemade Mango Sorbet than she does to me. It’s like she craves it…needs it…I’m gonna go punch it in the face…*stops self and inserts deep breath here*

Anyway, Lowell Turpin, 40, is a man who forgot that celebrity crushes are just make believe. Lowell, also forgot that the person his girlfriend was caught looking at pictures of on Facebook was indeed a celebrity – he thought it was a picture of a guy who worked at The Breadbox in Anderson County, Tennessee. Then again, do politicians count as celebrities? I ask this because the guy he thought his girlfriend was having an affair with was none other than Mitt Romney.

Lowell had long suspected that his girlfriend, Crystal Grey aged 38, was having an affair with a guy she worked with. Lowell and Grey had been arguing that morning, and Grey was set to escape by going grocery shopping.

It was at this point that Lowell saw several images of a strange man on Ms Grey’s Facebook page…a man that Lowell was sure worked at the grocery store that Grey wanted to flee to! So, Lowell did what any calm, rational, educated person would do when confronted with seeing a strange, sadly unfamiliar man on his significant other’s social media site – he went bat shit crazy.

When Grey told him that it was, indeed, the Republican Presidential candidate, Lowell became enraged supposedly calling her a lying bitch before snatching her laptop from her hands. Maybe he did know he was wrong at this point, but knowing how many politicians cheat, he was not comforted.

After looking at Lowell, I must wonder if the (I can only assume blind) girlfriend could actually be a contender for Mitt’s affections. It’s not like politicians are overly picky about what their significant others look like: case in point, a young Laura Bush and former president George W Bush…she could have done way better!

Anyway back to our story…Lowell smashed the laptop on the wall, and then he punched her in the face. He should have taken a deep breath after smashing the laptop…because Grey called authorities and had Lowell arrested. She told authorities that he had been violent many times in their relationship over the years.

Now I get that some people feel jealousy equals love, but I have never bought into that theory.  I know many women that feel their men don’t truly love them unless they show jealousy. These girls think that infatuation is measured in black eyes and broken china. For them assault is like crack – one slap and they are addicted. I would never date one of them, but that’s because I have an inability to show genuine affection…That’s why I say that if a person is crazy enough to hit you, then you should immediately walk away.

Or maybe the media is getting the whole thing all wrong…maybe, Lowell went into a rage because he couldn’t believe his partner would vote Republican…I can completely relate to this! I think I would rather find out that Joan were having an affair, than learn that she was voting for that guy! (I am also sure that if Joan felt that I was planning to vote for Santorum or Romney, that she would beat me up too!)

Unfortunately, I find it hard to feel much sympathy for Ms Grey. I admit that I don’t know much about her outside of this piece, but the fact that she has stayed for years of violence dampens my empathy. It is hard for me to understand why anyone, especially when no children are involved, would put up with such behavior. I should also note that I am happy that there are no children involved because the thought of an illiterate savage like Lowell breeding makes me sad for the future of humanity. I wonder if the Republicans realize that a big part of their constituency doesn’t even recognize their Presidential candidate?

Maybe now that Lowell is locked up for this incident, Grey will realize that brutality and adoration aren’t synonymous – I should know, I just looked them up!

Regardless, as Americans we say we are waging wars on terror…so why don’t we put an end to the terror we inflict on each other in the name of love?


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