Being At Work Burns Me Up

Folks, have you ever just wanted to take a day off? Have you gotten a text message from your ex-girlfriend bragging about the new guy she’s sleeping with and thought “I really wish I could get out of work”? And then did you set fire to a nuclear submarine in order to get out of work?


Hmm…guess it isn’t as common as I thought…

Because that is EXACTLY what Casey Fury, 24, did!

Casey is like many of us…He’s young…lazy…and kind of stupid. Casey had a job. Casey was hired to do some painting and sandblasting on the USS Miami. On May 23rd, Casey had gotten a text message that made him depressed. So, Casey did what any red-blooded American would do (if they were a complete moron who didn’t want to work) – Casey set the torpedo room inside the nuclear submarine on fire.

But, Casey got caught…and Casey denied involvement with the fire. The United States Navy was not convinced, so he was forced to take a polygraph test.

Now is where things get bad…for my faith in our government.

Casey failed the polygraph test…who knew, right? Casey told the Navy that the vacuum cleaner had spontaneously combusted and that he was afraid of consequences so instead of putting out the fire or reporting it – he just ran like hell! The fire took 12 hours to put out…it did an estimated $400 million dollars in damage…so, of course the Navy threw the book at Casey…right? I mean, they wouldn’t just say “it’s all good” or “boys will be boys” and just tell Casey to be more careful next time…right?

It turns out that the Navy just told Casey that “it’s all good” and they know how “boys will be boys” in situations like this. The Navy then told Casey to be on time for work next week…

Did I mention that Casey is just a guy hired by the Navy? Did I mention that he is not a member of our armed forces? That he is just some dumbass that watched too much Beavis and Butthead and was caught screaming “FIRE FIRE HEH HEH”?

So…Casey continues to paint the submarine…until the next time he needed to get off work early…which was June 16th…Casey had already learned that setting fires to United States property would get him the weekend off…so, Casey decided to go bigger this time…

He set the whole dock on fire.

I’ll repeat that: he set the whole dock on fire. He set it all on fire. The WHOLE F***ING THING.

This time the fire was extinguished before any damage was done.

Casey thought he was Mr Cool, so he admitted to the second fire a few days later…after, all the Navy knew that he was just playing around. Turns out the Navy didn’t think he was just playing around.

Casey is now in jail awaiting a hearing and is facing up to life in prison.

If only he had done some actually damage this time, maybe they would have laughed it off again…but apparently, the government doesn’t like to deal with fires that don’t cause any f***ing property damage.


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