Finger-Paint To Firearms

Folks, we have finally uncovered the secret formula to unmasking potential felons long before they steal their first car. And that formula is posed as a simple question: did you attend kindergarten? Because if you did, have the local Constable slap some cuffs on you before you pillage your home town!

New Hampshire state representative, Bob Kingsbury, has irrefutable proof that kindergarten leads to a life of crime – and I can’t say that I disagree! I, myself, never attended and have never murdered anyone!

Kingsbury noted that since 1996, crime has gone up 400% in the areas that offer kindergarten!

See, I always knew that the idea of sharing my crayons with kids in my class would directly translate to getting mugged in the big city. He also notes that in his hometown of Laconia, the area with the highest number of rapes, robberies, and murders is located in the same vicinity as the only kindergarten program! Forget spurious correlations – this is obviously causation! After all, it’s not like the poorer people most likely to commit violent crimes tend to live in the urban areas closest to schools while the rich move to the suburbs to avoid the urban areas!

Think about it: macaroni art is just a code word for prostitution – why do you think you are gluing noodles? And sharing crayons is just another way of saying pass the pipe! Now that I think about it, almost every criminal I know either went to or drove past a kindergarten at some point in their lives! Besides, have you spent time with any 5-year-old kids? They are reprehensible monsters!

I think that we need to act fast and eliminate this threat to our safety immediately by banning finger painting and burning the books written by Dr Seuss. Oh, and let’s burn all those stories about Dick and Jane while we are at it (it’s not like I need to point out anything about that series: it’s in the name for god’s sake!). This is exactly what Texas was saying! It seems that the only reason we have horrible things in this world is due to being educated to the point that we can recognize them! I say we should go back to the days before education was offered to the masses! That will help promote illiteracy which in turn will make it easier for the people in our government to keep crime in check! This way if you get accused of a crime, they could show you the Wall Street Journal and tell you it was a search warrant and you wouldn’t know the difference! This is how you stay safe, people!

We should also ban Sesame Street because I am sure that is a series of training videos to help mold future felons. Besides, that Elmo guy looks kind of shady!

This isn’t the first time that Kingsbury has managed to open the eyes of his constituents. He has recently revealed that the only reason corporations move their plants overseas is because our Congress is controlled through bribery. He also claims the only reason Clinton wasn’t impeached was due to this rampant bribery.

He claims that is why we focused on his…ahem…experiences with Monica instead of the real issues.

So, America, let’s follow this great mans example and strike out against the horror of publicly educating 5-year-olds!


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