Skinny Dipping Our Way Around Common Sense

Folks, I am appalled today. An Australian Olympic Swim Team member named Stephanie Rice has done the unthinkable. She snapped a photo of herself posing in a swim suit she was given for her birthday! Then she posted it on Twitter – doesn’t she know tha

t those kind of amateurish self photos belong on Facebook? Also, doesn’t she know that you never hold the camera directly in front of your face when taking a self photo?

But I am not the only one outraged! Merely hours after the offending picture was taken, news agencies berated the Olympic Swimmer for posting such a disgraceful photograph. And I understand the anger – no one ever wants to see photos of people in their work uniforms!

She should only post pictures that show her wearing clothing designed in the 19th century. Just because her job requires her to be televised wearing water resistant lingerie is no excuse for taking those pictures…that’s NBC’s job!

Maybe it’s because Stephanie has never photographed herself in anything but modest attire that everyone is so disappointed with her. Except all these other pictures I found of her – but outside of the numerous other pictures of her in racy attire, she has no pictures of herself in anything but modest clothing.

Folks, I think we need to send a message to Ms Rice. A message that shows her that we will not accept it when people dress sinfully unless they are trying to win medals for their home country. A message that roughly translates into “Let’s burn her as a witch.”

That’s right America, we should burn Stephanie Rice as a witch. Because condemning her for wearing something that we, ourselves, would wear if we could afford it (and if we had the right body shape, because I tried this one on and it rode right up almost immediately), is the American way.

We should also condemn Australia while we are it – because they are okay with her showing off so much skin! Look Aussies, you were a colony once just like us, so you have to be just as offended by this as we are! Sure there are some differences between America and Australia like you got the cooler accent and the cooler animals and got to have your land by making peace with native Peoples rather than executing them on the spot. (Actually that last one is a point in our favor – because Americans don’t believe in peaceful coexistence with native life!) But we have some things in common, like our countries both begin and end with the letter A!

That is an unbreakable bond. So you have to rally behind us here and let’s put an end to the possible sexual immorality that must obviously be occurring – otherwise we will have anarchy!

I mean, you never see Michael Phelps allowing himself to be photographed without a shirt. Think of the scandal that could bring! After all, if he did and we never made a fuss about him and yet we are about her…well, that would be a form of sex discrimination – and we don’t do that in America anymore because the settlements cost too much.

And it’s not like we are singling Ms Rice out, we treat all celebrities this way! That’s why no one ever publishes photos of movie stars as they hang out on the beach! And if they do happen to take one, those people are always wearing what I can only describe as “winter-wear”. This means that they are so covered up that you almost expect a blizzard to occur!

So, World, I am calling on you to stand beside me: as we dive head first into this controversy and wade deeply into self-righteous indignation while skinny dipping our way around common sense by submerging real news to cover this shameful attempt to paddle away from our moral convictions.

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