You Should Pay Me To Name Your Baby

Folks, I have heard it all now…the website Groupon is willing to name your unborn baby. They know how difficult naming a baby can be – especially with everything else that you have going on at the time. They know that you can stress less if someone picks a name that will “look good on a trophy”. A name like: Clembough.

Of course, they do wish to be paid a modest fee. A modest fee equaling about (or exactly) $1,000.

They claim that “a child named by Groupon will grow tall and proud, and he or she will be a beacon of hope in a world that is in such desperate need of one.” Because people named Clembough are never picked on in high school.

I think this is a great idea…only let me pick out your child’s name as I will charge much less!

For a mere $25, I will pick a name that will not only look good on a trophy, but also on a business card.

Let’s face it – names like Bill, Mike, Craig, Sally, and Bridget are way too cliche! So, I will help you find a name that resonates power, confidence, and natural leadership. I could even name them based on their Zodiac or Chinese sign!

Here are some sample names I could give your child:

1. First up for a boy, I would name him Alpheuseber. A boy with this name will be a leader among men. It makes him sound like an Alpha Male, he will grow to be muscular and strong. First up for a girl,  I would call her Amberlyfloy or maybe I would just name her America. Because you can’t get much more stately a name than America! Imagine calling your daughter to supper, “‘Merica, time to eat!” “‘Merica, behave!” “‘Merica!”

2. Another choice for a boy could be Filcherjeren. It makes him sound Swedish. And everyone loves things related to Sweden! Like Swedish Fish! Or weed! He will be well liked and popular! For her, Jakaylaherlinda is the name of choice. It just flows off the tongue. And it’s easy to spell – for a 40 year old anyway!

3. A final name choice for him could be Zaid. I don’t know if it sounds better pronounced as zAID or zED, but either way you could just pronounce it awesome. Especially since his name will start with a cool buzzing sound. He will be popular with insects and the people that love them. He will also learn to be self sufficient as he will probably have few friends. For her, I say let’s call her Ozella. Then you can call her the Great and Powerful Oz! I’m sure she will be quite popular in Kansas and New Zealand and among midgets.

So come on everyone, hire me! I could use the money and you could use a custom name to help prepare your child for the realities of life!


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