Folks, there is a new phenomenon sweeping the nation. One that I am happy to be a part of! I am happy because this phenomenon epitomizes everything there is to being a man. That’s right! It’s a man’s movement!
Total machismo. Total testosterone. Totally alpha masculine. Totally about a bunch of pastel colored horses and unicorns.
That’s right guys, the newest craze sweeping the nation for teenage boys to grown men is: My Little Pony.
Nothing says uber-manly than a lilac pony named Twilight Sparkle.
It all started back in the 80’s when Hasbro tried to reach the girls the same way it reached boys with Transformers – by turning a cheap, unmovable plastic horse into a cartoon. And they succeeded by creating The My Little Pony’s. Flash forward a few decades…
Now everything that was old is hip again. Transformers is a box office smash and Hasbro thought maybe they could re-create that same magic with a new cartoon. But this time, boys weren’t interested in the animated tales of Bumblebee and Optimus…no…they wanted something cooler.
Maybe boys shied away because so many girls fell for Bumblebee’s beautiful chassis, or maybe Transformers just wasn’t boyish enough…whatever the reason, boys were still looking for that next great animated feature.
Not to be deterred, Hasbro decided to bring back the show that kept 8-year-old girls enthralled for over a decade. They wanted to show little girls that My Little Pony could retain its wholesomeness while being relevant and edgy.
How could they not love this, thought Hasbro. How could anyone not love this! It’s freaking pink, purple, and a whole mess of other pastel colored ponies that can talk and go on adventures. After all, we have all dreamed of roaming the wild west with nothing but our personal talking pony for our companion! Besides, women love horses! That’s the only reason they aren’t extinct. It’s not like we use them to travel anymore. As a species whose sole existence is based on the service it can provide to humans, they rank right up there with prairie dog.
But Hasbro didn’t consider one possibility…that everyone would love My Little Pony. And by everyone, I mean a bunch of dudes that are over 30. Dudes that do masculine activities like play World of Warcraft and speak Klingon.
They also forgot one major rule in this system of patriarchy that we all live in: anything that is successful and aimed at women must be co-opted by men. And co-opt they did.
Soon, a whole new fraternity was born: The Bronies. They would create cute little catch phrases like: instead of fist bump we will “bro-hoof”. That is so f%%%ing adorable.
Not since Twilight has something sparkled so much as these ponies and their adoring legions. Soon, the phenomenon spread to boys aged 15 and up. These boys experienced the same delightful feelings that the old dudes felt.
Old dudes starting hanging out with young dudes. They would pet each others ponies and brush each others ponies hair. They would giggle as they shifted a pony from one shelf to another (because these pony’s have no moving parts, that’s about all you can do with them).
Now they all could play together by sharing pics of their little ponies on the internet. Over a hundred websites are dedicated to this movement and most offer flash-ing games. Craig’s List has ads of men looking for other men to bond with on this very subject! And by bond we are pretty sure he means circle jerk.
There’s even a website for Tallahassee that claims, “we have over a dozen bronies willing to do anything with for our cute little ponies. Join us only if you are man enough.”
And why shouldn’t men love this! The main theme is the search for “cutie marks”! That’s the cute little tattoos that appear on the ponies asses whenever they discover a new talent. I think this is the shows way of helping you explain that ink you got during your senior trip to Guatemala. “No mom, it’s not like that, this tattoo represents the fact that I can handle 6 shots of tequila before I pass out naked with random strangers. Look at this video to see how talented I was.”
Another central theme is friendship! Or at least what you can learn about friendship from a pony with a punk rock hairdo who is stalking her friends to learn about friendship. See, I just learned that playing peeping tom outside of your friends house is okay!
I also know that many celebrities are now bronies! And supposedly so are people like: Hitler, Bill O’Reilly, Rush Limbaugh, Charlie Sheen, and that guy that makes the donuts.
So American men, join me as I join the bronies! Let’s unite alongside our brothers and share their obsession with animals named Cheerilee and AppleJack. Besides, it’s in the bro code: A Bro shall love a bro’s hobbies – especially if those hobbies can get him indicted for potentially being a pedophile.