Expiration Dates Are Merely Suggestions

Folks…I need breakfast. But being a professional college student and professional blogger doesn’t do much for paying the bills. So, instead of heading to the grocery store because I am broke I am instead pouring through the pantry looking for anything that would constitute a meal!

This is how I clean the pantry – by eating things that should have been thrown away years ago! If your pantry is anything like mine, it’s a wonderland of new and exciting images! I mean, some of this stuff I don’t even remember buying! So, every time I go through it – it’s like an adventure!

To my delight and surprise the first item I locate is a box of Cherry Pop-tarts! Sure the box is dated May of 2003 but it’s vacuüm sealed! It has to be good, right? besides, It’s FROSTED! I mean, you can’t say no to a frosted Pop-tart. I don’t care if it’s been dead for a decade, this can’t be the worst thing I have ever eaten. Hell, the Chinese bury eggs for centuries and then they dig those up and eat them! So, this is basically the same thing! I open it up and notice it has a lot of fuzzy sprinkles on it! That means I will need milk!

But man cannot live on hairy Pop-tarts alone, so I return to the pantry!

Canned products are supposed to last 20 or 30 years. That’s why they suggest that we store them away. So, this can of Campbell’s Chunky Firehouse Chili should be fine! Sure the can is a little rusty and it is dated ‘Dec 2007’, but like that ever stopped anyone from eating it!

It’s about this time that I notice I have another can of chili in the cabinet…this one by Hormel and it is 2 years fresher! Score!

And now I just found dessert! A half eaten box of Minute Tapioca that I bought sometime before the 26th of October in 2008! If I add a little sugar, I don’t think I will notice the difference!

Which brings me to my point: these sell by dates are only suggestions! They don’t mean anything! There are so many preservatives in this stuff that thousands of years from now when a future archaeologist digs us up to study, our food will still be there ready to microwave!

And speaking of the microwave, just nuke the food that may be spoiled and “wah lah!”, the bacteria is dead!

This is gotta be healthier than the 40 something year old McDonald’s hamburger that one guy has had on display since he bought it!

I think expiration dates are just the food industries way of convincing us to throw perfectly good stuff away! This way they can convince us to buy more stuff that if we fail to finish by the expiration dates, we can throw that away too! And we wonder why we live next to landfills…

Besides it is a common fact that some things never expire! Like Twinkies (sorry Zombieland fans)!

So, to prove that this stuff is perfectly fine…I am going to prepare it…and then consume it. yes, I am doing this partly because I am too lazy to go to the store, but also because I believe in what I am doing.

So…here goes…

*Puts fuzzy pop-tarts in toaster.*

*Gets can opener*

I think I will start with the newest can of chili…the one that expired in 2009. *Opens can* See, it looks fine…smells really sweet, though…now to open the other one…This can may be a bit bloated and rusty, but I laugh in the face of Botulism…mainly because I know people that have injected into their faces…

*Almost vomits.* Okay…perhaps…*almost vomits again*…perhaps I am mistaken…Perhaps, some things DO go out of date…or since I have never had Campbell’s Firehouse Chili before, maybe this is just how it is supposed to be!

*After a brief interlude that involves me running to the toilet and losing my appetite and tossing the opened can of chili at the homeless dude wandering the neighborhood, I am back and ready to continue my experiment.*

I must admit the fuzzy Pop-tarts are comforting to my mouth…it’s like I put slippers on my tongue!

I must also admit, I am leery of trying the chili…the first experience is still too fresh in my mind…

*Takes open can of chili and throws it at homeless man still wandering the neighborhood.*

What? Saves him from digging through my trashcan to find it! That’s like my good deed of the day! Sure, I know he would rather have some smack or some alcohol, but beggars cannot be chooser’s!

So there you have it…avoid can chili’s and eat expired Pop-tarts!

I’m sure that even Kellogg’s couldn’t have created a better marketing strategy than that!


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