Bye Bye (Spy) Birdie

I hate birds…have I mentioned that before? But at least I am not as crazy about my blind hatred of small flying creatures like some people are…and by some people I mean the people who live in a country named for one – Turkey!

See, some Turks believe that birds are working with their enemies in a plot to spy on them. 

Wait…what? (Looks at that again just to make sure I read it correctly.)

Apparently, villagers in south-eastern Turkey mistook a small migratory bird for an Israeli spy…(I seriously can’t make this shit up.)

See, what happened was, someone from a village near the city of Gaziantep found a dead European bee-eater. This small bird which averages around 11 inches in length was discovered dead with a gold ring attached to its leg…a gold ring that merely said “Israel”. This was enough evidence to convince the entire village that the bird was sent there to spy on them!

I think the bird deliberately tried to trick the people of Turkey to go to war with Israel! Kind of like how squirrels bait you into wrecking your car by dashing across the road just as you are trying to pass!

What did they think was going to happen? Did they think the bird was going fly back to Israel and tell the Prime Minister that everyone in Gaziantep was an idiot?

Turkeys (the birds) are known for being so stupid that they let themselves get eaten on the same day every year…but I think they are smarter than these villagers! If the bird had been alive, would they have interrogated it? Somehow I don’t think water-boarding a small avian creature would get results…

Imagine if these guys had found a bear with an Israel ring! At least then I could be like, ‘hey, it could happen.’

I’m just surprised the ring said Israel! Isn’t all that stuff made in China these days?

The best part is that “it took an official from the [Agriculture] ministry some effort to convince local police that the bird wasn’t a national security issue.” Were these the same cops trying to find Tupac’s killer? Because if so, then at least now I understand why the case is still unsolved!

Imagine if the bird had been found near a Dunkin’ Donuts – those guys would have become convinced Israel was trying to steal their secret recipes or something! Or were they afraid that this bird was an advance bombing scout ready to rain down Israel’s enemies? I wouldn’t be surprised if these cops thought everyone in Israel attended Hogwarts and used owls to send each other messages!

This sounds like the script from that parody movie Hot Shots! Or maybe these guys just watch way too much Jesse Ventura. Didn’t he do a show about this very thing?

Of course maybe I am being to hard on the people of Turkey…maybe the bird did something to tip them off…like order a vodka martini shaken – not stirred!

Maybe the bird had on a bow-tie as well as the ring – I mean that would be suspicious, right? Or maybe it was caught telling a salamander that “the eagle won’t be flying til Thursday and that’s why it got this lousy assignment.”

I think for fun, Israel should randomly tag animals and set them loose in or near the Turkish borders! Imagine the fun that would ensue if they found a “badass honey badger” wandering the countryside wearing an Israeli ring!  I say tag a tree sloth! Or a walrus! That will keep them guessing!

Tag enough animals and these guys may declare war – on a zoo! “Watch out Bill, the camel is loaded.”

This would be the easiest war ever to win. Just keep releasing animals until the paranoid government calls you begging to sign a treaty! I imagine they would just want it over!

Whether or not the people of this village are gullible or just plain stupid should be left decided by a coin toss.

Regardless, like sand through the hourglass this is the way the crow spies…


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