Folks…I am scared. Scared, not for humanity, but for me in general. What, you may ask, am I afraid of? Earlier this week, scientists at the University of California in Los Angeles (UCLA) discovered something that makes me shudder…plainly speaking they discovered that sugar makes you stupid. Sure, this finding affects all of mankind, but I already think most of them are stupid and I am afraid of waking up just like them (my readers being the exceptions to the all mankind is stupid remark, because lets face it – you are smart enough to look to me for some of your news needs).
That’s right…science knows that the only reason you can barely spell your name is due to eating a diet containing high fructose corn syrup. One of the scientists, Fernando Gomez-Pinilla, has claimed that sugar impairs the ability to learn and remember. He claims that the “sugar destroying your brain power is a side effect to having a high amount of insulin in the blood penetrating the brain barrier and disrupting synaptic activity”.
He proved this by experimenting on lab rats. He gave one group a brain boosting enzyme and the other the sugar-laced treats. After six weeks the brainy mice were applying to Harvard and the obese mice just wanted to lay on the couch and play Xbox.
Wait, maybe being able to blame my burgeoning stupidity on sugar is a good thing after all!
Actually, this makes perfect sense! Think about it…this would explain why I have a hard time remembering complicated math formulas…it’s not that it is beyond my comprehension, it’s because of a jelly donut. As matter of fact, every stupid thing I do from now on can easily be blamed on my diet! Jelly Belly’s made me drive 78 in a 45 mph zone – being late wasn’t a factor!
Or that time I hit on your twin sister…I wasn’t being a pig, Coca – Cola impaired my ability to distinguish between the two of you!
Or if I call my boss a dumbass it is only because I ate a Hershey Bar.
Of course, if it is in fact sugar making us all stupid and not the fact that smart people choose to have fewer children, wouldn’t that invalidate the whole premise of Idiocracy? I mean, for those that have never seen the movie, that’s a futuristic story about stupid people out breeding the intelligent ones and an average guy from our time gets shot into the future and is the smartest guy there…but if this science claim proves correct I think it has less to do with sex and more to do with what we eat now…Couldn’t the smart people have just devolved due to Funions?
Of course this revelation almost sounds like a plot line from Pinky and the Brain.
Brain: Are you thinking what I’m thinking Pinky?
Pinky: I think so Brain…but how will we ever convince all of humanity to ingest high amounts of processed sugar in order to make them as dumb as me?
Brain: No Pinky I was thinking…wait a moment…that could actually work…
Regardless, I have already cut back the amount of high fructose corn syrup that I ingest on a daily basis…and soon, I will be the smartest man on earth…and then…I will “prove my mousey humanly worth by overthrowing the earth”…