I Do Everything Really Quick

If a girl called you up and told you to hurry over and ravish her, how long would it take you to get there? Would you drive a little faster than normal – say a few miles over the limit? If you are 21-year-old Zachary Ramirez, you will!

Zach was busted for driving 111mph in a 45 mph zone in Chicago all because he wanted to get some. At least that is what he said when cops pulled him over. A quick check through his car also revealed a small amount of the marijuana that he planned to use to help “seal the deal”.

Maybe Zach thought that by telling the male officer he was in a hurry to get laid, that the officer would let him go. After all, he’s a guy and he would understand that when it comes to urges, you just gotta follow them, you know?

I mean, why else would you drive almost 70mph faster than the speed limit to hook up with some chick? Maybe he is a male escort and he offers a “I’ll arrive in 30 minutes or less – or it’s free” deal. Maybe he just thinks it’s okay to show her that he can get there fast. But, if you get there too fast she is left finishing up what you weren’t able to! Doesn’t he know that? Do women actually want a guy that gets there fast? If so, I have been going about it all wrong! I mean, isn’t the only time you would want it fast is if you were in prison so that you could cry and shower after?

It just seems that all the things in life that you wish would last never do…

Some things in life are perfectly acceptable to be done fast! hell, there are many things that just seem to never end like:

1. Like job applications – just hire me already! Why do I need to spend 80 hours filling out a resume that you will never look at, or an application on which the only thing you check is my rap sheet on anyway?

2. Or awkward hugs from random strangers! Please get it over with and stop touching me! I don’t know you, and I know the only reason you hugged me is so you can touch my ass in an acceptable fashion.

3. Another thing that can be ended quickly is awkward silences! Like the ones that follow me threatening to break your hand for grabbing my ass. Okay, so you only brushed my ass, but I maintain that was just your way of feeling me out on the issue.

4. Talking about your really ugly kid. Please shove a pencil in my eyes because I am going blind either way. Don’t show me pictures, you can’t un-see stuff like that! It’s like a cross between E.T. and that dude from The Goonies

5. Or how about talking to me about anything I don’t care for. That expression isn’t interest on my face, it’s narcolepsy. I think I literally stopped caring two words in. Please make this end quickly!

6. Work. I get here and 38 seconds later, I want to go home. Why can’t I just get paid to sit at home and be stupid? I know plenty of people that have that job and I wanna be one of them!

7. Being sick. Don’t sneeze on me because I will end up with an unending plague…In March of 2011, I caught a cold that lasted until JULY!

8. A physical. Why does the Doctor feel the need to put his whole hand up my ass? And why does this part of the exam take the most amount of time? I understand you want me cancer free, but I would rather not get to know you in the biblical sense.

In the end, Zach went to jail and got neither high nor laid…Maybe he should have slowed down and taken his time instead viewing it like it was a race…


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