I Command Thee

Folks, I believe in the Word of God…the unchanging, and unalterable “Word of God” that was written by some guy while he was breathing in smoke emanating from a magical burning bush. Because I know when I have accidentally inhaled some really good strains of burning weeds, I get transported to Heaven and all the thoughts I have are like God is speaking directly in my ear…

Besides, because the bible is written by God, it makes for an easy way to end any and all debates – because whether you like it or not the Almighty Creator said “that is how it is.”

That’s why Christians are so quick to use it against things like abortion and gay marriage! God said it was wrong, so you can’t do it! At first, I was skeptical…I mean…why would an almighty being discriminate against people that just wanted to be happy? Then I read the bible and suddenly…everything was made clear!

I now know that so many things I thought of as right and wrong were my own misguided perceptions! Take my views on slavery for example! I have always found it to be abhorrent and one of the darkest parts of human history, but I was only partially right according to Leviticus 25:39-46. In that chapter of the bible, it says slavery is okay so long as you: A) do not enslave Israelite’s and B) take your slaves from neighboring nations. Since Africa has many Jews and they aren’t a neighboring nation, we should have collected ours from Canada and Mexico! And since God’s word is forever, we can start buying slaves right now! I think it would be awesome to have an Eskimo manservant! The best part is that this verse goes on to say that you can inherit your parents slaves as well!

Also, in Exodus 21 God tells us that it is not okay to sell your sons into slavery, but if you have to those guys go free in 7 years…however, He goes on to say that you can sell your daughters all that you want! And if you beat your slaves with rods and they die, then you have to accept punishment, but if the slaves get better in a day or two, then that means you beat them correctly!

God also wants us to know that it is not cool to eat dead things. In Leviticus 11:39, he says that if an animal we are allowed to eat dies and we touch it, then we become unclean. Basically, you should try to eat your food while it is still alive! That way you get a workout from chasing it and fighting it off while dining! That’s because God knew we would get lazy and not exercise otherwise!

Of course, in Leviticus 42, God does say that “you are not to eat any animal that moves on the ground whether it is on its belly or on all fours.” Does this mean that we can only eat animals that stand still? And since it doesn’t say anything about 2-legged creatures, would that make cannibalism acceptable?

In Leviticus 19:36, He doesn’t want you to cheat your clients, that’s why he says “use honest scales.” I know I hate it when my weed man short changes me! The penalty for this is being stoned to death…wait, isn’t that sort of the point?

You are also supposed to “stone to death” anyone that works as a spiritualist or a medium according to Leviticus 20:27…I wonder if we should gather a group to take care of Ms Cleo?

“Prostitutes should be burned with fire” according to Leviticus 21:9, so should I ask the police to set fire to the Bunny Ranch in Las Vegas? Or should I just save some time and do it myself?

God also says that thievery at night is bad in Exodus 22:2 by saying that if a thief is killed at night the killer is to be applauded, but if the thief breaks into a persons home in the daytime and is killed by the home owner – the home owner will be treated as a murderer!

The bible also made me realize that Skeletor was actually the hero in the Master’s of the Universe cartoons! After all, he was just trying to kill the Sorceress and Exodus 22:18 says “do not allow a sorceress to live.”

We should also keep the Sabbath as a day dedicated to leisure, not just because it is holy – but because your slaves will need to rest after being both worked to near death and beaten by rods.

God is pretty serious in his demands that’s why in Deuteronomy 17:3 he says to “kill anyone that follows another religion!” He doesn’t even excuse you for dreaming about worshiping another deity, because you can be put to death for your dreams to (Deuteronomy 13:5)!

So see, God doesn’t just hate homosexuals! He just likes having a ton of reasons for us to kill each other! I think this is his way of maintaining the populations. But unlike Bob Barker’s suggestion of having us spayed or neutered, he thinks we should club each other! Man, I can’t wait to live a more Godly life and fulfill all these commandments, plus the myriad of others I didn’t mention.

Because the bible is always right…right?


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