Toddler of Terror

Folks, terror has a new ally. A new ally in the form of a 4 year old little girl. Don’t let this innocent face fool you – secretly she is a stone cold killer.

That’s why I applaud the Transportation Security Administration (TSA) for taking steps to prevent a possible terrorist action. It all started when Michelle Brademeyer and her daughter were returning home from vacation. Her daughter, Isabel, resembles most normal 4-year-old girls. She likes princesses, horses, and, according to the TSA ‘small caliber handguns’.

The TSA was convinced that Isabel was plotting to take over the plane. All because Isabel hugged her grandma. You see Grandma supposedly kept setting off alarms. Isabel, perhaps wondering why Grandma was being detained, ran back through security to be with her. Isabel then did something that would completely justify labeling her a terrorist…she hugged her Grammie.

If that isn’t a sign that someone is harboring suicidal tendencies, then I don’t know what is!

The over-glorified mall cop TSA agent said that she “had seen a gun inside of a Teddy Bear” once. That only proves my theories that bears are plotting our demise! The agent kept insisting that “the old woman passed the girl a handgun.” Because everyone knows that old people and small children are very crafty.

The TSA agent did the only the thing you can do after a four-year-old child embraces an elderly person for less than three seconds – she declared a lock-down. TSA agents dragged the crying little girl into side room and not allowed to come into contact with her mom. One of the agents said “the airport will have to be on lock-down and every flight canceled if the girl doesn’t coöperate.”

Everyone knows that children under 5 are more than capable of complying with the commands of scary strangers carrying guns that forcefully drag them into private rooms away from anyone they may know! Basically the TSA is like that creepy guy that lures kids into his van with candy – only without the CANDY!

Maybe if they had brought candy with them they wouldn’t have had to “call for backup because the suspect is not cooperating.”

The frightened girl tried to run away from the geniuses that make up the TSA. This prompted the girl’s mother to grab her child and try to comfort her…until the caring, sensitive members of the TSA ripped the child from her arms.

Finally the TSA told Michelle that if Isabel didn’t coöperate by “not crying and standing still” they would force them to leave the airport. This is completely reasonable. After all, Isabel could have been like that girl from the movie Orphan. In that film, the supposed child turned out to be a 30 something year old midget hellbent on killing her family! Maybe the TSA agents use that film as training material!

Eventually a manager arrived and calmed the situation and Michelle and Isabel were allowed to board the flight. He allowed them to search her while her mother held her and the TSA found…nothing. Which makes this whole scene kind of awkward, right? You would think the TSA would be like “hey, my bad, but we cool now!” But the TSA knew that the girl must be really good at keeping things hidden. That’s why even after being allowed they were harassed one last time before boarding.

They thought their problems were over, until they landed in Denver for a connecting flight and the woman checking boarding passes demanded to know which of them was Isabel…and after she was pointed out the woman looked confused…confused because she couldn’t believe such an obvious threat had been allowed to fly into Denver…

When contacted the TSA had no comment other than to support the actions that were taken in this incident. That’s because they send all of their agents to the best Obedience School’s in America. That way they can learn important skills like leering and growling. Also, they are taught to piss on the paper or ask to be let outside! Maybe some are taught to play fetch – oh, wait what am I saying…these breeds aren’t that smart.


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