P D Nay

Folks, it’s time that we shed the light on inappropriate touching. Sometimes, it’s just not okay! That’s why I am happy to announce that one school in New Jersey is finally cracking down on the behavior and banning their students (who are aged 11- 14)…from hugging. 

Matawan-Aberdeen Middle School is looking to limit the ways young people greet each other and I say it is about time! In a world where kids are committing suicide due to bullying, I know the best way to combat that is to prohibit acts of affection!

We all know that hugging is the gateway touch. It can lead to things like: shaking or holding hands. Imagine if they didn’t stop this criminal behavior – people might accidentally brush someones arm or drape an arm over their shoulder *shudders*.

I say we start petitions to end all forms of physical contact. They world would be a much safer and more sanitary place! After all, I don’t know where your hands have been, so, why would I want them feeling me up?

Besides, we all know that if we let 11-year-olds hug then they could get pregnant! The principle that created this ban must be afraid that the students may start singing that song that goes “Billy and Katie sitting in a tree. H-U-G-G-I-N-G.”

Because we all know that when we get older, a woman that is really into you will show that attraction by giving you a friendly hug – similar to the one you get from your grandma! This type of affection lets you know exactly what you mean to her!

Principle Tyler Blackmore made the announcement after students were caught in the unspeakable act. I could misquote him as saying that ‘after crossing that line, there is no returning and those kids are damned to be prostitutes and drug addicts,’ but that would be unfair to all the prostitutes that didn’t receive hugs as children!

Superintendent David Healy says “no student will be disciplined for hugging,” but “they needed to know what is considered proper contact between peers.” Which is only fair, because I remember when I played ball, we were encouraged to slap each other on the ass – and that is way more appropriate than hugging each other!

Folks, band with me and let’s limit all physical contact to the only acceptable solution – via the internet using emoticons!

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