It is amazing how much you learn when you begin to research historical figures for a writing assignment. I thought I would write an uplifting piece on the man whose name is on my breakfast. A man who advocated daily personal hygiene. A man who pushed for regular exercise for young people. A man who wanted us to eat healthier. A man who did all this because he was terrified of sex and masturbation. A man named John Harvey Kellogg.
That’s right…corn flakes exists to keep you from touching yourself.
See, Kellogg was a sick fuck. He thought that sex would infect him with disease, so he avoided it – even with his own wife! And since he wasn’t having sex with his wife, he had to find ways to keep from having sex with himself…and thus began his effort to improve all of our lives.
He started by getting married and never touching his wife. While on his honeymoon, he supposedly wrote his book Plain Facts For Old and Young – his anti-masturbation manual. But Kellogg immediately knew that the only thing “self-abusers” would read were written by people like Chaucer. So, he published his book and devised his own plans for stopping the young men of his time from playing with their joysticks.
Kellogg knew that the only way to keep boys from touching themselves would be to tire them out. So he advocated strenuous physical exercise and hard, manual labor. After all, he kept his morning wood down by taking morning runs. Later, groups would appear that shared Kellogg’s revulsion towards onanism (the act of spilling ones seed anywhere other than inside a woman’s vagina). The most famous of these groups, the Boy Scouts of America, had literature discussing the prevention of “self-abuse” by young men – but this will be the subject of another blog entirely.
But soon, Kellogg realized exercise wouldn’t be enough for this most heinous of sins…so, Kellogg set about finding other ways to combat this growing menace.
This led him to going into business with his brother Will. Together with his wife and his brother, J H Kellogg invented Corn Flakes. He described it as “predigested” and hinted that they could “keep the passions of men in check to keep them calm.” He expressed a disdain for meats and spices, claiming that they will only increase passions and lusts. He thought that if men became lusty and lacked a partner they would take those lusts out on themselves. J H Kellogg felt sugar did the same thing, which is probably why after the fight that caused his brother to leave their joint venture to start a new cereal company called Kellogg’s that Will’s first creation was Frosted Flakes. It is little wonder that that bright blue box still makes me horny…I mean whimsical for my childhood.
But diet and exercise still weren’t enough to end the masturbatory menace…so, Kellogg had to return to the drawing board. This time he came back with an idea so radical that it would have to work – bathing. See, up until this point (the late 1800’s) bathing was done rarely to prevent disease and lust. The theory was if he smelled bad enough, she wouldn’t want to roll around in the hay with him. Kellogg proposed a new idea – “if it doesn’t itch, they won’t scratch.” Kellogg felt that bathing would keep debris and dirt away from the penis and thus would keep boys from scratching themselves which we all know naturally leads to masturbating.
Kellogg soon realized that even following a healthy lifestyle, exercising, and keeping clean could prevent men from wrestling the purple headed warrior, so, he began to advocate extreme measures.
He felt boys should be circumcised…only when they hit puberty and without any anesthesia, so that they would remember the pain. He suggested metal, torture like devices to discourage the practice. He even said in desperate cases tying boys up at night could work. At one point in his book he mentions castration…but it made me queasy so I skipped that chapter.
But even though his passion was boys touching themselves doesn’t mean he wasn’t disturbed by the idea of girls getting themselves off either. He felt women shouldn’t read anything racy or provocative – like Chaucer and Bronte and anything listed as a Harlequin romance. He thought books like these gave women ideas. Ideas like their men may actually wish to please them in bed. And so these women would then get so excited at that prospect that they would get themselves off.
But he does let us know how to detect whether a child is a “self-abuser.” Listed below are a few of the traits he believed indicted that someone liked to touch themselves.
1. Fear. Children that are afraid of monsters in closets or under beds only feel that way because of the evil inside them that is created when they masturbate. Non-masturbating child never get afraid of imaginary things. I think this suggests all children masturbate from a young age.
2. Small breasts. Kellogg believed that if a woman had less than a C cup it was directly related to her being addicted to masturbation.
3. Eating dirt. Yeah that creepy kid that eats clay during recess…its because he can’t stop feeling himself up.
4. Getting sick. Kellogg thought that a healthy child suddenly getting ill was directly related to masturbating. He felt that jacking off weakened more than the knees and limited the immune systems ability to function.
5. Teen angst. Yeah that moody emo kid…secretly whacks it all the time. As a matter of fact, Kellogg felt the more drastic the mood swings, the more often the kid did it.
6. Being shy. The only reason a girl should ever be shy is if she plays with herself.
7. Unnatural boldness. However, if a child is “unnaturally bold” it means that they are trying to compensate for the fact that they enjoy self-love.
8. Hunger. Only a masturbator wants to eat a lot, everyone else eats only enough to survive.
10. Being pale. Well…I kind of already figured that the kids from Twilight would make this list.
11. Smoking. Using any tobacco product is a clear indication that someone likes to pleasure themselves.
13. Biting your nails. He does that so he doesn’t scratch himself.
14. Hysteria. This was a catch-all used for any womanly disorder from fever to talking back…basically the doctors would masturbate her to relieve the pressure.
So there ya go folks…catch those sinners now that they are adults so we can tie them up and please the right way – using toys bought from an Adult Fun Shop.