Cum On…My Food Is Getting Cold

Folks…I’m calling bullshit. A new cook book written by Paul “Fotie” Photenhauer is available for pre-order on Amazon and Lulu and it contains recipes that can only make you gag. The book is titled “Natural Harvest –  A Collection of Semen-Based Recipes,” or as I would rename it “Cooking With Cum.”

Fotie claims, “Semen is not only nutritious, but it also has a wonderful texture and amazing cooking properties. Like fine wine and cheeses, the taste of semen is complex and dynamic.” I think Fotie is trying to find ways to convince his partner to swallow.

It’s his way of saying, “No hunny, its good for you!” Its like those guys that used to claim that semen made a good moisturizer – only they didn’t write a book about it!

This has to be a joke, right? Some freaky guys way to make us laugh at something too absurd to be true, right?

According to Fotie, “No, I’m not joking and no, I’m not some sort of whacky freak. I’m just passionate about everything I do.”

I think this goes beyond passionate and into restraining order territory! Does this guy work at a restaurant anywhere? And if so, where – so I can avoid it!

The worst part (okay so it’s not actually the worst part, but bare with me here okay?) is that if you look at some of the recipes, all he does is just add semen in place of salt…so not only is he creepy, but he has no imagination.

For example:

“ALMOST WHITE RUSSIAN
2 oz Vodka
1 oz Coffee liqueur
1/2 oz semen
cream or milk
ice cubes
Pour vodka, semen and coffee liqueur over ice cubes and top up the glass with milk or cream”

All of his recipes work like that! And he’s charging $25 for this! I wonder if his Mac & Cheese recipe reads “Make exactly as it says on the box, then add 1/2 oz of semen.”

Can you picture this guy prepping his ingredients? Does he keep a subscription of Hustler next to the Nutmeg?

Someone walks in, sees what he is doing, freaks out, but the wait staff are all like, “No, you don’t understand, the food tastes better this way.”

Where in the hell did he even find a publisher for this? Did he call up Paula Dean and say, “I have the newest recipes that will be on everyone’s lips”?

I am thoroughly disgusted now…I think I will make breakfast…

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