It Was My Turn To Deal, But He Hit Me Instead

You can order almost anything online now-a-days. FTD lets you order flowers, Thai Professional lets you buy a wife, and now thanks to one savvy businessman, you can order a murder!

This convoluted tale begins with an Egyptian-born poker dealer named Essam Ahmed Eid. Eid, tired of working at the Bellagio in Las Vegas, decided to change careers. The problem was finding the right career path…After all, black jack dealer in Vegas is a pretty awesome job…So Eid needed to find a career that would be an upgrade over his current one. A job that not only was cool, but appealed to him. And naturally, the career that appealed to him the most was being a hit-man. I mean, it only makes sense, right?

So Eid started researching how to kill people on the Internet. It was through the Internet that he learned how to make ricin – one of the most deadly substances known to man! He even taught himself to create a silencer out of toilet parts! After he felt he was sufficiently trained, Eid was left with a small problem…how do you build a clientele?

Rather than resort to shady dealings with mob bosses or powerful drug lords because that could be too dangerous, Eid decided he would make a website. Now I can’t fault him for that…make a site that subtly alludes to the fact that you murder people for money – which he totally did and named

This was definitely a subtle website! It gave detailed price lists for every way you could picture murdering someone. Want to tie someone to a tree, cover them with honey, and allow nature to eat away all the evidence – that costs you $52,000!

Now many people would have thought this would be a joke website, but several people actually took it seriously and hired him to kill the people they don’t like!

One of his first clients was a fifth grader from Kentucky that wanted him to kill a classmate. Another woman wanted him to kill her ex-boyfriends new lover. A woman wanted him to kill her boyfriend for trying to force her into a threesome. Another guy called him with the license plate of someone that cut him off in traffic!

The problem was…Eid didn’t really want to kill anyone. So what to do? Well, Eid concocted a great plan! He would confront his victims and tell them he was hired to kill them. He would offer to spare their lives for whatever part of his fee hadn’t been paid. And they would be so grateful to him they would pay that remaining part! He would leave his name, phone number, and any other contact information with these victims and give them a few days to “think it over.”

Perfect plan!

Until he was hired to kill Anne Lauren Royston by putting “a bullet in her head.” The woman’s ex-lover, Marissa Mark, 28, hired Eid to kill her, because she was “a royal bitch.” So, Eid confronted her and told her that her jackass girlfriend needed her dead and had paid a paltry sum of $19,000 – appropriated from three different stolen credit cards. He told Anne that if she paid an additional $37,000, he would spare her life. Feeling quite smug, he left her to ponder her fate.

Anne, however, didn’t need that much time to think it over. She immediately called the FBI and Eid’s career as an assassin was now over.

So, let’s recap…Eid got tired of working at one of the coolest jobs in the world…decided to get an even cooler job…but can’t actually fulfill his job duties…so he instead resorts to extortion…but his career ends suddenly, because the Feds don’t like it when you hire yourself out for murder…


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