Praying The Gay To Stay

Folks, a lot of people get frustrated by religious groups and their practices. Especially, when those practices infringe upon the rights of others. Like that neighbor of mine at the lake who thought he was Jesus and told everyone that God demanded he always be naked in public and he should start a colony in his back yard – I don’t like speaking ill of the dead, but I am glad George isn’t with us anymore!

And speaking of the dead, that brings us to what started this whole blog – Mormons. Now before anyone gets all angry and upset let me say, I have known many, many Mormons and they are really cool – although sometimes, odd people. As a matter of fact, I practiced with them for about a year in my effort to understand them.

But I digress.

This morning one of my readers made me aware of the Savage Love blog. And on this blog was the following rant:

HEY, EVERYBODY: You know how Mormons “baptize” dead people who weren’t Mormons—including Holocaust victims—because Mormons believe they have a right to choose Mormonism for the deceased? And you know how the Mormon Church says that being gay is a choice? The same church that doesn’t think you should have a choice about being posthumously baptized? Well, now you can choose homosexuality for dead Mormons! Just go to, enter the name of a deceased Mormon or ask the site to find a dead Mormon for you, and—presto!—that dead Mormon gets to have a gay afterlife!

Between their magic underwear and baptizing the dead, Mormons can’t get any respect. They are like the Rodney Dangerfield of religions!

Now this whole debate came about when the Church of Latter Day Saints claimed that “you can’t be born gay, it’s a choice,” kind of like whether to eat pasta or steak. Now this upset many in the Gay and Lesbian community, who then chose to be offended. After they were offended, someone chose to lash out at the church. By creating a website that let’s you convert Mormon’s into homosexuality. The idea is the same, in the first the Mormon’s make the choice to baptize you for you – no consent or knowledge necessary! And now, people can do the same to random Mormon’s. And if you don’t know any Mormons don’t worry – the website will randomly find one for you! It’s like the one stop shopping for gayness!

Mormons perform baptism for the dead so that everyone can go to Heaven – you can now baptize dead people so that their Heaven is fabulous. But I don’t think this idea is taking it far enough!Why not have a website called “All Dead Klan Members Are Gay” or “That Dead Misogynistic Asshole Is Now Gay Since He Hated Women SO Much He Won’t Have To Share His Afterlife With One.”

And since you can make anyone gay, what would happen if someone typed in “Jesus” – would that make our Lord and Savior now gay? Would salvation require assless chaps? Would the Catholic Church make people say 5 Hail Mary’s and recite lines from Queer Eye For the Straight Guy?

I’d bet there would be a parade and everything to get into the City of Gold…speaking of, isn’t gold tacky? Would they repaint?

Perhaps in the afterlife, people can finally be accepted for who they are. Since Mormons are erasing all other religions,  there will only be Mormonism in Heaven. And since people can now make dead Mormons gay, there will be no sex discrimination either.

I think the idea of making everyone in the afterlife gay would be a great one – just make sure you make me a lesbian!


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