After I Spank You On The Couch, I Will Spank You At Bowling

Everyone I would like to take this moment to wish you the Happiest of Valemercialism Day’s! If you don’t know what Valemercialism is just click here.

Many people today are trying to solve their problems with cheesy cards, junk food, and the vagina of plants. And some people are trying to solve other people’s problems by forcing them to buy those things!

A judge from Broward County, Florida, is trying to put the act of love back into acts of domestic ViOLEnce. 

Earlier this week, Judge John Hurley handed down a sentence that sounded like it was straight from a Hollywood movie…the sentence was given to Joseph Bray after he was charged with domestic violence.

Bray and his wife started their evening arguing because Bray, like many men, forgot that it was his wife’s birthday. His wife was absolutely livid that he hadn’t wished her one, even though it was on her Facebook wall that she called out the husband’s neglectful behavior. Instead of saying “Happy Birthday” to the woman that chooses to sleep with him, Bray became angry and acted as if his wife was making up the fact that she had been born. This soon escalated until Bray had no choice but to choke the shit out of his wife. Plantation City Police arrested Bray for what they believed was a crime, but the judge had other ideas. After hearing the story, Judge Hurley allegedly agreed that if he had been in Bray’s place, he would have choked the shit out of her too. He showed this agreement when he handed down the sentence.

Normally, a sentence for domestic violence in the State of Florida would include a minimum (I’ll stress that again – minimum) of 5 days in jail. But Judge Hurley doesn’t believe in the law. Instead he sentenced Bray to a much harsher penalty…dinner at Red Lobster.

And he has to take his wife with him. So basically the judge said to this poor woman “I know he beat the shit out of you, so not only am I not going to make him serve any time…I am going to force you both to get E.Coli and go on a date together.”

But that isn’t the extent of Bray’s “punishment.”

Bray was also sentenced to buy his wife a birthday card and flowers. And to take her bowling.

I don’t know about you, but nothing says non-violent more than playing a game that requires you to throw a heavy object into smaller objects in the hopes of smashing them to hell like bowling does.

The judge felt that it was a “minor incident” and that it “wouldn’t be repeated.” That’s because choking isn’t bad if you eventually let the person breathe and in his spare time, Judge Hurley subs in for Miss Cleo.

If choking the life out of someone is minor then I would hate to find out what a major incident is.

Judge Hurley also proclaims that normally the court takes acts of domestic violence seriously but due to the fact this case was a waste of his time he found some alternatives.

He even told Bray that he didn’t have to let his wife win!

So there ya have it folks, the moral to Valemercialism, it brings batterers and victims together for cheesy biscuits and 10 pin!

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