The Finest In Luxury Automotive’s!

Once upon a time I owned a “Beamer.” That’s right a BMW!
Now sure it was an older model at the time – this was 2004 and I owned a 1982 coupe, but that car was great.

The story of my car starts on a cold morning in October. My friend Ian and I were searching for a new vehicle for me and we saw an advertisement in the paper for a $200 car. The picture and the ad made this car seem like it was in mint condition.

Folks. If something seems too good to be true, it usually is – but in this case, it was awesome! So wondering what an awesome looking/sounding car was doing unsold at a mere $200, Ian and I headed to the Car Casino. I would learn that it was named this because you were gambling on whether any vehicle bought there would last fifteen minutes after the papers were signed!

Once we arrived there, the owner of the Car Casino showed us the car…in all its bond-o glory! There wasn’t much left of the original chicken shit green paint job and the rust colored bond-o coating looked like someone had attacked the car with a Brillo pad. The leather interior was slashed and it was missing some seatbelts. The radio had been stolen and the rear view mirror was attached with duct tape. A coat hanger served as an antennae – though without a radio, this was a pointless addition! The car looked like a family of raccoon’s had been making a home there for the last few decades. The trunk has latched using bungee cords, and a smell of something dead emanated from that area!

Thinking there must be a mistake, I questioned the owner – and he informed me that there in fact was no mistake and that I should buy it now before anyone else had a chance to drive this excellent machine.

Undaunted, Ian and I took it for a test drive. Unfortunately, after getting inside of the car we realized that there were no door handles on the inside. So I decided that I would let down the windows, at which point we discovered only the passenger side backdoor actually let down! Shrugging, we decided we would try to drive it anyway.

A few minutes down the road it began to get really hot, so we turned on the A/C. This worked fine! For about 3 seconds, because at that point yellow Styrofoam-like particles began to fly out of the A/C ducts! Coughing and sputtering, we turned the air off and let down the one working window and opened the sky light. It was at this point that the car began to emit black, acrid smoke and sputter. Thinking we were about to die, we pulled into the gas station to get some cold water. I turned off the car and it sputtered and lurched for about five minutes before finally getting quiet. It was like that car from that Stephen King novel!

Laughing nervously, we bought our drinks and let the car rest before continuing our journey.

I started the car up again and giggled as it jumped and sputtered before finally starting up – I had an image of my car having seizures! It was then that we learned that this car didn’t have reverse. Ian, laughing, got out and pushed us backwards as I steered. People were starting to stare and we acted like it was the normal way to get around! “What? Your car doesn’t look like the chimney of a factory and smell like an active paper mill? Man you are missing out!”

We drove back to the lot and I wrote the owner a check.

This car turned out to be a godsend for the three months it lasted. I saved so much on gas, because no one ever wanted me to drive them places. They would be like, no man let’s take my car – you can leave yours at home!

I also didn’t date much because of it! This also saved me a ton of cash!

Looking back I miss my German made POS, and wonder if it is looking down at me from auto-heaven. I like to think it is.


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