Another Species Is “Dye”ing Off

As humankind has expanded across the globe, we have been responsible for the extermination of many native species. And now, if we aren’t careful, we will be responsible for the extinction of one of our own…the redheads.

National Geographic quotes genetic scientists in saying “redheads are a dying breed and will be extinct in 100 years.”

They claim this is due to the redheads smaller population. This genetic mutation first appeared in northern Europe a 1000 or so years ago, but actually first appeared in known history about 50,000 years ago in Africa. Scientists claim that redheads can be born from a single redheaded parent, which brings me to my suggestion – Project Breeding!

Project breeding works like this: redheaded women should have as many children as possible to ensure this genetic anomaly continues to exist! Redheaded men can also breed I guess, but I am not as interested in them. Though progeny of redheaded men and women increase the odds of redheaded children. But I digress, the point is we need redheads!
Think about it…redheads tend to be fiery and passionate. We need these passionate people or else the world will become stale and boring. This is especially true when it comes to the bedroom! If we let this group of people go extinct, we may as well throw out kinky and just get used to missionary! Who Framed Roger Rabbit and The Little Mermaid taught us that redheads are sexual divas! I know I will never look at a fish or a lounge singer in quite the same way ever again!

Witches need redheads too! It’s a known fact among witches that the best poisons are made from fat red headed people…usually fat men – sorry guys! We can’t leave these bitter old hags without a way to kill young maidens that are fairer than they are, can we? If the wicked witch from Snow White had not used a redhead to poison that apple, how would she have turned out? I imagine a lot like the Wicked Witch of the East – with a house on top of her! And that is not nearly as cutesy a tale!

Ireland’s tourism is dependent on three things: leprechaun’s, alcoholism, and redheads. Its the only reasons to even visit that country! We have to preserve the species just to keep from having to repo an island!

Some conspiracy theorists believe that redheads are actually alien-human hybrids! That humans are descended from aliens is the core belief of Scientology too. So we have to preserve these people just to give cults and wackos something to talk about! Also, this may have some truth as many believe redheads don’t have souls…which leads me to my next point…

If redheads don’t have souls, they can do whatever they want without fear of reprisal in the next life! This means any kinky thing that you have ever thought of, any dangerous liaison, and any crazy, no way in hell you would try it, idea is okay for a redhead to do!

Also, redheads tend to be a lot more fun to hang out with! The different shades of red should be all changed so they end in awesome. For example instead of cherry red colored hair, it should be Cherry-awesome – which sounds like those cool trees from Japan!

So folks, go forth and have sex with many redheads in the name of preserving their genetic codes! Ladies, you should have multiple children! Guys, you should try to spread your seed in hopes of continuing your genetic purity! Both of you take many, many partners to ensure the survival of your species!

But, luckily for us all, if Project Breeding fails then Lady Clairol has a plan in place to help extend the lifespan of this silently fading star. I hear its Nice N Easy to do and uses our Natural Instincts to wash and color our ever-evolving world.


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