Folks, are you as upset as I am that there are no decent candidates running for our highest office in this years upcoming election? Sick of all the Mormon jokes? Disgusted over an old man’s “swinging” lifestyle with his really ugly wife? Were you planning on just keeping our current President because you don’t think you have a real choice?
Well worry no more because I have found the candidate for you! She is a big supporter of freedom, as well as trailer parks and french fries. This mystery female candidate is…drum roll please…Roseanne Barr.
You may remember Roseanne Barr from the 80’s/90’s sitcom Roseanne. This was a cute family dramedy that taught us wonderful moral lessons like “what to do when your teenage daughter gets knocked up” and “why alcohol solves family issues.”
Roseanne feels that she “gets the American people.” Kinda like that time she showed how well she related to American Idol failures by screeching the Star Spangled Banner while grabbing her crotch.
Roseanne announced her bid for the Presidency on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno – which Jay is probably thankful for since this will give him plenty to talk about for a while! She was seeking the Green Party nomination. For those not in the know, this is the political party that Ralph Nader built. I honestly have no idea what these people believe, but there are over 300,000 people registered to vote under this affiliation. Maybe they don’t know what they believe either, because after reading their Wikipedia page, I must confess that I still have no clue what they stand for!
So all I can go on is what Roseanne herself claims she stands for. She recently did a Snickers commercial where she was working as a logger – I guess this means that she is willing to get dirty in her campaigning.
She has also said that she has 5 essential points that represent what she wants to do to our country.
1. She wants to abolish the two party system and end the electoral college. She says this will make her ability to lead easier. I think Castro held the same ideas when he was “elected tryant of Cuba.” Besides, we all know that the Electoral College doesn’t work – it was just a gag that the founding fathers worked into the Constitution in order to piss off voter’s. I bet when they look down at us, they laugh over the fact that we thought they were serious!
2. She doesn’t believe that corporations are people. She plans to create a Constitutional Amendment outlawing this thought. I guess she also plans to get rid of the process of creating amendments when she gets rid of the Electoral College as well…
3. She also wants to make companies stop shipping jobs overseas. I agree that we should put Americans to work! She also wants to tax the hell out of every rich person in America and every corporation in America. I think this is a great idea, after all once all the rich people and the corporations leave America, there will be more jobs and resources left for us poor people!
4. She also hates the military. She plans to shut down over 100 bases around the world as well as bring home every soldier from every conflict. This is a great idea, because this way our enemies can just fight us over here. This will solve two problems: A) it will give all those soldiers she fired something to do while they wait on their unemployment check and B) help with overcrowding and overpopulation.
5. She will legalize weed. I think she probably was smoking some when she thought up this list.
Other things I know about Roseanne convince me she is qualified for the job! Look at how well she ran her “family” on her TV show! Any fake parent that can handle scripted events like teen pregnancy, abortion, infidelity, and naked old people as well as none scripted events like obesity can easily handle being President! She is even qouted as saying “if the show had gone on, DJ would have died in Iraq and the Conners would have lost their home.” Now nothing says fiscally responsible like that statement!
So come on voters, we need to cut the fat in Washington. And since you have to spend money to make money, wouldn’t you also have to get fat to trim it?